My Senior Year
by senorjustino
Summary: It is Ryan's senior year at Berkeley and he has the arrival of two ex girlfriends to cotend with, as well as other surprises.
1. Chapter 1

Ryan Atwood sat by his computer and signed on to check his email. His girlfriend April slept peacefully on the bed behind him and as his computer warmed up, he stole a glance at the sleeping redhead.

He was very comfortable and happy in his new apartment; true he had only been living there for three weeks, but already he felt like he was at home. Ryan was entering his senior year at the University of California, and after three years of dorm life, Sandy Cohen had decided that it was time for Ryan to enjoy having his own place.

The apartment was a comfortable one, small and clean and only three blocks away from campus; it was Ryan's reward for being an honor student, for being on the Dean's list semester after semester. Going into his senior year, Ryan had a bright future before him: He had started to apply to Stanford University and its famous architecture program and all his professors had a strong confidence that he would get into the university and thrive there.

The computer ready, Ryan logged onto his campus email and smiled at the notice that Seth had sent him a message. Seth and Summer were currently in France, visiting Ryan's ex girlfriend Taylor Townsend and helping her pack her things. After graduating from the Sorbonne, Taylor had turned down an offer write for a Parisian literary journal so she could return to America and study philosophy.

"You know of course that she's heading your way. Expect a phone call in a few weeks" the email had read. Taylor and Ryan had dated for five months three years ago but the relationship had flickered out while she had studied in France; it had been a mutual and fairly painless breakup and in the few emails they had exchanged over the next two and a half years, Ryan had learnt that Taylor had dated a Spanish cook on and off and had decided to get her master's and PhD in philosophy from Berkeley.

The last email he had received from her had arrived in early March, four months ago. She had told him she had been accepted into Berkeley and that she was moving to San Francisco, so he should expect to see her and spend time with her; the email had been entirely friendly and without any underlying subtext. Ryan doubted very much that she had any feelings for him and his conversations with Summer—who was Taylor's close friend, seemed to confirm this.

That was all well and good because Ryan really enjoyed his time spent with April. They had met in the beginning of his junior year and Ryan had been so impressed by April that he had left the girl he had been dating for her. It had created a scandal amongst his friends but he could not help himself; her red hair and deep blue eyes had bewitched him and he had not regretted a single moment of his time with her.

As he watched April, she stirred and awoke; it was almost like she was aware of his eyes on her.

"What are you going?"

"Just checking my email—did I wake you up?"

"No—I had a dream that you were trying to bake the world's biggest pizza."

"Did I do it?"

"No—you were buried by an avalanche of molten cheese." She giggled at the memory and then yawned because of her efforts. "Why don't you come to bed?"

"Let me just finish reading this email."

"Who is it from?"

"Seth—they're having a good time in France." Ryan had been invited by Taylor to come along but he had been too busy with work and life to go. "Summer says hello."

"Hello Summer." Yawning again, April turned onto her stomach and stretched out her body. "You gave me a good workout Ryan."

"Well I do what I can." As Ryan watched her in amusement, he wondered why he had never told her he loved her. Honestly, in his heart, he did not know if he did or not. Certainly she was fun and beautiful and bewitching, but something held him back. It was almost as if fate had other plans in store for him but had not yet made up their minds as to what those plans were.

"Maybe I can return the favor in the morning?"

"Well I better get to work in making the evening disappear." April smirked and blew a kiss at him. As Ryan laughed he turned back to his email and finished reading. Seth and Summer were staying for two more days and then going back; Taylor was staying for an extra three days and then flying to Newport for a few weeks to spend time with her mother.

"She hopes that you'll have the time to take her apartment hunting. Dinner will be a form of repayment." Taylor was always one to make a game plan and it seemed that she was forming one already. Veronica Townsend had searched San Francisco for apartments herself and had formed a list of five very attractive prospects; it was Taylor's charge to narrow those five into one. Apparently, it was Ryan's charge to show Taylor where said apartments were located.

"Taylor wants me to take her apartment shopping."

"Oh? Will you?"

"I guess so—she usually gets what she wants once she gets an idea in her head."

"Well that's sweet of you." Ryan's blue eyes were on April's, trying to get a sense of how she felt about this ex girlfriend appearing on the scene.

"I wont if it's weird for you."

"Is it weird for you?"

"No, not really." He was certainly over her and it seemed to him that Taylor was certainly over Ryan.

"Then it isn't weird for me. She's a part of your life again and I don't want to keep that from you." That was April, always so very sweet.

"You're nice."

"I know." Again April blew him a kiss and demanded that he come to bed. "You can dream about your friend Taylor later" she teased him and laughed.

"Only thing I'm going to dream about is you."

"Well come over here and show me what your dreams are made of." Ryan turned off the computer and joined April in bed.


	2. Chapter 2

"It's too bad that April couldn't make it over tonight" Sandy Cohen said as he grilled the steaks. "I always appreciate when you bring home a girl with a good appetite."

"Well she had work tonight." Ryan made it an effort to come to dinner at the Cohen household once a week; he did so when school was in session and when school was out—to him it was a link to the past and his old life in Newport. That life seemed miles away now. "But it looks good for next week."

"She works a lot during the summer doesn't she?" Kirsten Cohen sat down a salad bowl and took a seat next to Ryan. "Her manager treating her any nicer?"

"Yeah—she sat down with him and they had a talk—apparently he listened." April was a waitress at a local seafood restaurant near the campus; the girl had been working there since her high school days and had a love/hate relationship with her manager. "Seth called today—did he talk to you guys too?"

"He did—he says he booked his flight this morning and will be back in Newport in three days. Summer too."

"It sounds like Paris did her some good."

"She's had a hard time." Sandy paused for a moment, thinking about the deceased Dr. Neil Roberts. Summer's father had been killed in a car crash in the winter and Summer had not been herself since. "But you're right; France seems to have cheered her up some."

"Speaking of Paris"

"I hear your old friend Taylor Townsend is on her way back to America."

"San Francisco in fact."

"Oh that's nice." Kirsten smiled warmly for she liked Taylor very much; when Ryan had dated her, Taylor had been a strange but rather sweet girl. Sandy and his wife had not seen Taylor in years and they were very interested in seeing how three years abroad had changed her. "You should bring her over to see Sophie—I know I'd love to see her again."

"I'll see what I can do."

"Will it be weird for you?" Sandy was never sure where Ryan stood on his relationships with people; Ryan could be so maddeningly light lipped about his affairs that it was truly any ones guess where the land lay.

"To see Taylor? I don't know—I don't think it will be that weird."

"You're over her, aren't you?" There was a slight shake of concern in Kirsten's voice. She did like Taylor greatly, but April was an amazingly sweet girl who did not deserve to be dragged into a love triangle.

"Yeah—absolutely; and I'm pretty sure she's over me too."

"Didn't you say she was dating a painter or something at one time—an Austrian?"

"No—not to my knowledge. She was dating a Spanish chef; Summer says that Taylor's only interested in European men now, so I suppose that makes me safe."

"She had very expansive tastes." Sandy chuckled to himself; he had seen Taylor bring an Asian boy to her senior prom, marry a Frenchmen and run after a very American Ryan Atwood. "Look's like the steak should be good in about 5 minutes or so."

"I'll go get some wine." Kirsten rose. "Or do you boys want some beer instead?"

"I'll have a beer." Sandy motioned for one as well. Ryan watched his adoptive father mind the steaks for a moment or two before clearing his throat and asking a question. "It's not unfair of me to be friends with Taylor—is it?"

"You mean about April?"

"Yeah—she says she's okay with it—but I don't want to freak her out or anything."

"April's never really struck me as the jealous type."

"I know—it's just that—well you remember how I met April right?"

"I do at that." Sandy smiled at the memory. Ryan had started dating a sweet, pretty, girl named Emily in the spring of his sophomore year and the relationship had been going well until she had introduced Ryan to her friend April, who had spent her sophomore year studying in Germany. That summer had turned into yet another confusing love triangle for Ryan Atwood, one that had ended with April the winner and Emily sobbing at the Cohen doorstep. "You're worried that April might worry the same thing will happen to her."

"Something like that." Was Ryan over thinking all this? Surely he was over Taylor Townsend; at the same time however, Ryan had been completely satisfied with Emily—pretty, blonde Emily—until the day April had walked up to him and said hello.

"You can't control these things Ryan." Sandy cut into the meat and heard an encouraging pop. "Look at Summer and Seth."

"What about Summer and Seth?" Kirsten returned and handed both men their drinks. "Julie called; I told her I'd call her after dinner."

"She probably wants us to come down to LA for something."

"My dad mentioned something about a party." Right after Kaitlin had gone away to Williams, Frank and Julie moved to Los Angeles so he could get a better job with his accounting firm and she could take classes at California State Los Angeles.

"Well there you go—a party with the Cooper—Atwoods."

"But what were you guys saying about Summer and Seth?"

"How unlikely a couple they are."

"We were just talking about Taylor and her European boyfriends." Sandy had seen a flicker of concern pass over Kirsten's when they had been dicussing Taylor and April; being that Sophie was sick with the chicken pox, he didn't want to add any worry to his wife. "Ryan wasn't sure if he saw Taylor with a cook."

"Well stranger things have happened." Kirsten too thought about her son and his relationship with Summer. "No one expected you to fall for Taylor."

"Including myself." Looking back in the past, those days when he had been courted, and in turn had courted Taylor were a blur. Memories of those early moments, which had once been so vivid, had turned murky and confused. It was the same story with Marissa; her touch and laugh and smile sometimes eluded him.

"It will be good seeing her again." Sandy took the meat off the grill and gave Ryan a quick, searching look.

"I agree." His blue eyes were on Sandy's, hoping that he was right about that.


	3. Chapter 3

As Ryan approached the entrance to the café, he found himself pausing slightly. He hadn't been nervous about actually physically seeing Taylor at all but now it was starting to come upon him like a crashing wave.

"It's not a big deal," Ryan said to himself; taking a deep breath, he pushed through the door and stopped. The café she had selected was one that was a few blocks away from the campus they would soon be sharing. It was a small, elegant, place that played folk music and jazz. There was local art hanging on the walls and the kitchen smelt of melting cheese and flash broiled chicken.

"How many for you today sir?" The hostess, a rather pretty thing with strawberry blonde hair, smiled perkily at Ryan. She seemed to hope that he was here by himself and would be open to her obvious flirtation. "Just one?"

"I'm actually looking for a friend." A quick glance around the café found Taylor reading a letter the back right corner. "I just found her." The hostess followed his eyes and frowned in inappropriate disappointment. "Thanks."

Walking over to Taylor, he felt the strange surge of nervousness rush through his body. His mouth suddenly felt dry and twisted and his stomach began tightening into a vicious knot. Ryan was rather close to her table when she heard his approaching footsteps and looked up from her letter.

"Ryan!" Her hazel eyes exploded with excitement and her mouth broke into a fabulous grin that only complimented those hazel stars. "How are you?" Rising quickly, Taylor threw her arms around him and squeezed him tightly.

"I'm good—how are you?" He took a seat and watched in amusement as her grin only got wider and wider.

"Wonderful thank you—it's very exciting to be back in California—I didn't realize how much I missed America until I came back." She had not in fact returned to the United States since she had started at the Sorbonne. Taylor, Ryan knew from Summer and Taylor's own sporadic emails, had traveled much in her three years in Paris. She had gone as far east as Poland and as far south as Jerusalem. "But you look wonderful as always—Berkeley has been kind to you."

"And the Sorbonne you." There she sat in a simple red sundress but her simplicity served her well. Ryan had always thought Taylor lovely but now she was remarkably breathtaking. Taylor had grown plumper, more full and pink and delightful. There seemed to be a strong sensuality about her that was new and exciting; Taylor was fortunate to be able to match that with a quiet, easy confidence that to Ryan, was just starting to manifest itself.

"Yes—it was a very good time—best decision of my was going back to Paris." The waiter came up to them and asked Ryan for his drink order; he ordered an ice tea, Taylor asked for another glass of wine. "You have no idea how often they drank in France. I was very unprepared." Taylor watched him with her happy, smiling eyes and asked him if he enjoyed looking at her. She seemed to have learnt vanity in Paris too.

"What?"

"It's a horrid question but do I seem prettier?"

"Yes." His answer sounded a tad too enthusiastic in his heart but his brain was starting to move in a different direction. "You look amazing."

"You're sweet—but I hear your girlfriend is very pretty too." Taylor smiled at him and leaned back in her seat. Turning to the waiter, who was bringing their drinks, she flashed her startling hazel eyes on him and said thank you in such a way that Ryan was sure that the man was probably stricken in love with her. When Taylor looked to Ryan, that radiating heat in her eyes had gone and there was nothing but a momentary passing of indifference.

"She is—red hair, blue eyes. April's very sweet."

"That's very good—it's nice to be with someone that you can't stop thinking about." She sipped her wine as she boldly studied him. For Ryan, it was like she was studying him, sizing him up; it was rather unnerving.

"Are you enjoying watching me now?" The waiter again came back to take the food order, preventing Taylor from coming back with a quick reply. "I'll have the roasted turkey sandwich."

"Summer green salad for me." Now Taylor's voice was one of bored indifference; why was she playing so hot and cold to an obscure waiter? Ryan did not really understand the game she was playing with the waiter or Ryan. "Yes I was enjoying watching you. Like I said, Berkeley has been kind to you. Rather fortunate for April, wouldn't you say?"

"I would say." His voice shook with annoyance; he could not understand her and why she was being like this. If she was trying to impress him with all the social skills she had learnt in Paris, she was failing badly.

"I'm excited to meet her—Summer's told me a little about her." Suddenly, Taylor sounded very sincere and her voice sung with a sweetness that he had forgotten could be so bewitching. "She doesn't mind you showing me around for places does she? I would ask Summer and Seth but they're in Rhode Island for most of the summer."

"No—she's okay with it."

"Good—you know I don't want to cause any problems for you Ryan, right?" She looked so sweet and hopeful and good—the Taylor he had so fallen in love with. "I really want to be friends."

"I do too." She had taken him off his guard a little and when Taylor smiled at the waiter, who was refilling Ryan's glass, Ryan did not see any games in her beautiful face—no, it was simply the friendly girl of old. "Sandy and Kirsten can't wait to see you again."

"I can't wait to see them—and little Sophie. She's gorgeous no?"

"And sick—she has the chicken pox."

"Poor little dear." As she said this, her right hand absently played with the letter she had been reading earlier. Ryan could not help but notice her movement and he could not help but wonder if it was her way of trying to draw attention and interest to the author and contents of that letter. Her little ploy worked because he found his vocal cords and mouth forming the question that Taylor undoubtedly wanted to hear. "Oh it's from an old friend of ours." She paused, hoping that he'd take the bait and guess. When he didn't she sighed in slight annoyance and told him it was from her ex-husband Henri-Michael.

"You still talk to him?" It was strange, but the man Taylor had once been married to was still able to cause Ryan jealousy. "Really?" The waiter brought by their food and seemed to hover for a moment, hopeful of catching a radiant glance from Taylor again.

"Yes." She turned to the waiter and asked for more wine and turned back to her friend; obviously whatever game she had been trying to play with the waiter had bored her. "I was in Paris for about seven months when I started talking to him again—I think it was soon after we broke up that I ran into him at an art show. Turned out we were running in pretty similar circles."

"How is he?" He really wanted to know if Taylor was still seeing him, but he didn't want to give her the satisfaction of seeming to be jealous.

"Still writing poetry—it isn't bad but his best days are behind him."

"And your friends have their best days in front of them."

"Yes—most of them are rather young and talented. They were mostly painters and sculptures but I knew some writers obviously." Taylor explained to Ryan that she had run with two sets of people during her time in Paris. The one set was the set of the wealthy and dull people she knew through her friend Odette from the Sorbonne; it is there she mostly picked up the ease and poise and cold calculation that she currently was showing; the other set of people she ran with were interesting and intelligent and mostly poor or low middle class. Yes they were idlers and very different from the people she knew in the closed drawing rooms of the _Fourborg__ Saint-Germain_, but they had opened her eyes and mind to so much. She was sometimes rather ashamed of her old self, she told Ryan as she concluded her story. "It makes me embarrassed to think how ignorant of the world I was."

"Taylor…" He wanted to encourage her, but the only thing Ryan could muster was that she had changed so much.

"You don't approve do you?" Her hazel eyes weren't downcast; no, she rather faced him boldly.

"I didn't say that—it's just different for me—I mean, we haven't seen each other in years."

"You're still the same sweet guy. I don't regret you at all, ever." Taylor reached out and took Ryan by the hand and squeezed it. Again, if by magical means, the old Taylor of his memory was before him. Ryan was not sure if this was the true Taylor, hiding behind a mask, or if this was a mask she was wearing for him. "I think you'll grow to like the new me."

"I already do." Ryan wasn't sure how much he meant that, but he was willing to give her a try. "You should come over tomorrow night for dinner—everyone will be there."

"April?"

"April too."

"Good—I'd like to meet her." Again Taylor reached out in spontaneous warmth and squeezed Ryan's hands tightly. "It's so good to be home again."


	4. Chapter 4

"Taylor should be here any minute." Seth and Summer sat on the couch holding hands and Summer looked up at Ryan and smiled sweetly. The young woman had become very different since her father's death. The old Summer, that spitfire of a girl, had been replaced by one of quiet and tired sadness and the medicine she was taking to level her out of her depression had not seemed to take hold of her yet.

"April helping your mom?"

"Yeah—they're making the salad." Ryan took a seat next to the pair and looked to Seth for help. Ryan was increasingly feel uncomfortable about this evening and the meeting of April and Taylor. It didn't help that Ryan also had come to feel incredibly awkward around Summer; she hardly seemed to listen to or notice him at times and her medicine only seemed to be making her more absent.

"Well if there's one thing that can make or break an evening, it's a salad. I hope that April and my mom don't screw it up."

"Thanks man." They settled into a difficult silence as Seth put his arm around Summer's shoulder and hugged her tightly. Paris had helped Summer some but Seth had confided in his friend that he was still very worried about his girlfriend. They listened to the bustle in the kitchen and further off, the dint of music that Sandy was listening to as he grilled the fish they would be eating that evening.

Seth was about to open his mouth to speak when there was a ring at the door; it had to be Taylor.

"I'll get it." Ryan rose slowly and made his way over to the door. Once again he felt a surge of nervousness as he moved towards the door. What would Taylor be like tonight? Would she be the stranger or the girl he had fallen in love with? Which one did he want? How would she interact with April and how would April take her? Taking a deep breath, he opened the door and smiled as the key to those questions walked through the door.

"Hi Ryan." Taylor hugged him and kissed his cheek. "Thanks for inviting me over tonight." Ryan took her purse and the two bottles of white wine she had brought.

"Anytime." As he walked, he caught the soft fragrance of her perfume; it was one she had worn when they had dated and he had always loved it. "You look pretty tonight." Again her simplicity served her well; she wore a long black skirt and a dark blue low cut top and though he tried to fight against it, Ryan could not but steal a glance at her waist and lower body as he walked her through the hall and into the family room.

"Hey guys." Seth and Summer she had seen the night before; Seth raised his hand in welcome and Summer reached out and pulled Taylor into a quick and tight embrace. If there was one person Summer responded well too still, it was Taylor. "Where are your parents?"

"Cooking and preparing salads. April's in the kitchen helping mom."

"Oh okay." She took the seat that Ryan had formally occupied and smiled up at Ryan. "I would put those away—you don't want the wine to get room temperature." Taylor had smiled so sweetly at him that his stomach had done a small summersault.

"Sure thing." He took the bottles into the kitchen where April was cutting strawberries and chatting absently with Kirsten, who was putting together a vinaigrette dressing. "Taylor's here." April looked up from the cutting board and Ryan saw a moment's panic pass over her blue eyes.

"I'll go tell Sandy." Kirsten left them alone for a moment and Ryan took advantage of that to go up to April and wrap his arm around her waist.

"You nervous?"

"Actually yeah, a little." Ryan kissed her neck and whispered that she had nothing to worry about.

"Let's go say hello." Taking her by the hand, he led April by the hand and back to the company. As he passed into the room with April, he saw before him Taylor talking to Seth about some Japanese film director; Summer listened and watched in amused silence. "Look who I found in the kitchen."

"Hello." April walked forward and Taylor rose from her seat and smiled majestically at the redhead.

"April— so nice to meet you." Ryan listened intently as he tried to discern any trace of irony or sarcasm in Taylor's voice; there was none, so far, his ex-girlfriend was the woman he had remembered her being.

"I've heard so much about you from every one." April seemed more at ease now and she turned to Ryan with a pleased look on her face; it told him that she did not feel threatened by Taylor, yet.

"Taylor." Kirsten and Sandy burst through the kitchen door and hugged the girl. "It's great to see you."

"It's been a while. Thanks for having me over for dinner."

"Of course—we're glad that you could make it." Sandy excused himself to finish cooking the fish. "How do you like San Francisco so far?"

"It's nice—not as pretty as Paris but still very nice."

"I bet you miss Paris a lot."

"Yes—every day." She explained to Kirsten that one of the main reasons she had returned was that her mother had been asking her to for nearly a year. Taylor had finally given way and though she did not say anything to him about it, Ryan felt like the death of Summer's father had helped Taylor make the decision. Taylor and her mother had grown close in the previous three years and Ryan supposed the fear of losing a parent you were finally coming to love had propelled Taylor out of Europe. Ryan himself knew that he would be badly shaken if his father, a man he was slowly but surely learning to love, had been suddenly taken from him.

"Dinner is served." Sandy poked his head through the door; April and Kirsten exchanged looks of brief horror as they realized that they had to put the finishing touches on the salad.

"Give us like three minutes." April kissed Ryan and followed Kirsten. Before she passed through the doorway, April looked back and subtly winked at Ryan; it wasn't subtle enough as he heard Taylor giggle next to him.

"She's very pretty."

"And very sweet."

"I'm starving." Seth whined; Taylor and Ryan both turned and looked at him and Summer sitting on the couch. Summer still sat there, her body languidly pressed against Seth's.

"Dinner will be ready soon."

"This is almost like old times." Summer's voice seemed far away, almost like the past she was thinking about. "The four of us, dinner at the Cohen household."

"Ryan looking remarkably handsome." Taylor's eyes were hot as she regarded him. "You do look very good tonight."

"Thanks." It disturbed him that the words had excited him so. It was strange, the ability she had to sting his soul at a moment's notice. There was a sparkle in her eyes now that he had once treasured; they now made him nervous. Could she have the power to conquer him the same way April had conquered him?

"Let's go and see if they need any help." Seth had watched the mute scene between Ryan and Taylor and seemed to want to escape the oncoming storm that he must have seen coming. He took Summer by the hand and led her out of the family room.

"Summer isn't having a good night tonight is she?" Taylor drew Ryan near her by the arm and whispered to him. "I didn't think she was very good in Paris."

"No—today hasn't been a good day for her at all." Because they stood close together Taylor's smell was strong in his nostrils. She smelt so wonderful and her skin looked so olive and soft; looking up into her hazel eyes, Ryan felt himself trapped by their power. For a dangerous second he so wanted to kiss those lovely pouting lips.

"Maybe we can do something to cheer her up?" There was a cry of celebration in the kitchen from Seth; the salad must have been laid on the table. Seth's cry had broken the moment between the two and Ryan followed Taylor into the kitchen feeling bewildered and bothered. "It smells wonderful."

"Grilled swordfish with a pineapple mango glaze."

"Well it looks delicious." Taylor took a seat next to April and smiled at Ryan's girlfriend. "Was this your pick?"

"No—I'm more of a hamburger girl myself." Taylor nodded her head in silent understanding and turned to Summer who was sitting on her left side.

"Would you pass me the wine?"

"Sure." Ryan watched the two girls interact and there seemed to be a flash of understanding, of intelligence between the two friends. What exactly was Taylor's eyes imparting to Summer as they made passing conversation whilst Taylor poured herself a drink? Did it have to do with April?

"You all there man?" Seth smirked as Ryan nodded his head.

"Yeah—just waiting for you to pass me the fish." Seth handed him the serving dish; Seth's sarcastic eyes implied that he knew what was going on in Ryan's head. They all made small talk as the food and wine went around the table. When all the plates were piled with food Sandy silently cleared his throat and raised his glass.

"A toast."

"Oh no." Seth rolled his eyes and received a gentle smack from Summer.

"To Taylor—for her graduation from the Sorbonne and for returning to America." Sandy smiled at the girl. "We're glad to have you back."

"To Taylor." She beamed as they drank to her.

"Thank you Sandy." In response she raised her own glass and toasted her hosts, as well as their daughter Sophie, who was upstairs sleeping. "Hopefully she feels better soon."

"The doctor's give it a few more days."

"I hated having the chicken pox—my mom was really sweet about it though, she stayed home for the entire week and kept me company." April looked over at Taylor and asked her what she missed most about Paris.

"The parks mostly—we'd spend days there talking and thinking; I used to sit for a friend at this one place." Taylor turned to Summer. "Do you remember it? It was the park with all the hawthorns and lilacs."

"It was very pretty."

"Yes—I had a friend who was obsessed with painting me surrounded by lilacs." Taylor laughed at the memory of it. "His studio was full of me and lilacs from every imaginable angle and color shade. I don't think his wife was very happy with him though—she destroyed a lot of those pictures."

"That's a shame." Ryan's voice contained more sarcasm then he would have liked; he turned to April and half smiled at her confused and slightly concerned look. Taylor seemed to ignore him.

"You would have liked him Sandy—he was a lawyer and he painted on the side—his office was always so filthy with paint and charcoal."

"He sounds like a fascinating man."

"Paul was very sweet—his paintings weren't very good but he was very enthusiastic about his work and his subjects." There was Taylor's ability to strike at Ryan again; for whatever reason, this French lawyer, with his deplorable paintings, was causing Ryan jealousy. In his mind he could imagine Taylor, naked amongst the lilacs. She must have had an affair with this man, why else would his wife destroy all of Taylor's paintings?

"Did you know any good artists?" Again his voice had shook in rising irrational anger and sarcasm. Now everyone's eyes were on him; Kirsten and Sandy gave him quizzical looks, Seth eyed him with bemusement while April again eyed him with perplexed worry. Only Summer, who had not seemed to pick up on Ryan's strange resentment, remained placid. She looked at Ryan and then over to Taylor and smiled sweetly at the girl.

"Yes a few—they were strange but brilliant. My friend Fleur painted; we went to Balbec together and she did some very pretty seascapes; I can maybe get you one, just to prove that I do know _some_ good artists." Taylor seemed indifferent to Ryan's jealousy. Her shining eyes lacked luster for a moment but then a mischievous sparkle warmed them again. "This is excellent swordfish by the way Sandy."


	5. Chapter 5

"What was that all about?"

"What was what all about?" Ryan knew the answer of course but he wanted to hear it from April's mouth.

"Dinner—Taylor was obviously pissing you off." April had been angry at Ryan once or twice in their relationship, but this was as upset as he had ever seen her. "And the only thing I can think of is that you were jealous about her."

"That's ridiculous." It sounded unconvincing to Ryan and as he watched April, knew that she felt it too.

"It's not." They were back in his apartment after dinner and drinks and coffee had exhausted away most of the evening. For the most part, it had gone well. Ryan had not really opened his mouth about much the rest of the evening, but he knew that everyone could tell what was on his mind. "Do you still love her?"

"April!"

"I have a right to know." She sat down on the bed and she reached out and took his hand. "She's beautiful and smart and interesting; it's obvious that everyone loves her."

"I don't know—I don't think I'm in love with her still."

"Not yet." Her voice was bitter and when Ryan's blue eyes grew sullen, she shrugged her shoulders. "She certainly made an impression on you Ryan. You can't hide that."

"It's true—it's been hard seeing her, harder than I realized."

"I get that Ryan—I get that you're feeling sentimental for the past. That's what it is, isn't it? Taylor shows up and being with her reminds you of the time you spent with her, loving her?"

"I don't know. I don't know why I got jealous when she was talking about that guy, but I did."

"I think I know." April rose from her bed and walked over to a picture of herself and Ryan. "Emily told me when I took you from her that she'd hope I'd feel one day what she felt." The girl laughed at herself and picked up the picture. "The guess that day is coming soon—Karma can be such a bitch." She replaced the photo and turned to Ryan. "You aren't the most complicated of men Ryan Atwood; it's pretty easy to tell when something is bothering you and right now something is absolutely bothering you."

"I can't help it April but you have to believe me when I tell you that there's nothing to worry about." Ryan stood up and put his arms around her waist. Looking at her, he moved in slowly to kiss her but she pulled away before their lips could touch.

"No offense—but I'm not sure how much I believe you." April went over to Ryan's desk and grabbed her purse. "There's something missing in your eyes that was there three days ago."

"Are you breaking up with me?"

"No—I don't want to break up with you—but I don't want to be around right now—not until you get Taylor Townsend out of your system." They looked at each other in silence and then she told him goodbye.

Ryan didn't follow her. He was too angry at her for having such little faith and he was too bewildered by her words to move from where he stood. Yes, April had struck a nerve all right. Taylor had bewitched him; he wasn't sure how she had done it, but her laughter and smile and the burning intensity of her beautiful eyes had enchanted him. Though he had not spent a large number of hours with her, Ryan couldn't help himself from thinking about her and the past they had spent together.

Yes, it was certainly true that a sentimental melancholy had taken hold of him. True Taylor seemed different, but to Ryan, her airs and affections were just an act; in her heart of hearts, Taylor Townsend was still the beautiful and sweet young woman he had fallen in love with three years ago. As he sat down at his desk, Ryan opened a drawer and pulled out a photo album he had been keeping since college had started.

Taylor herself had purchased that album for him in Paris and had sent it to him at the beginning of his freshman year; the girl had instructed him to make sure he used it—to document all the major events and important people who were fluttering through Ryan's life. Seth, Sophie, Summer and the Cohens loomed large in the album. There were two photos of Ryan and Taylor, both taken in the hectic days after Julie Cooper's almost wedding.

Looking at them now, Ryan felt a long forgotten surge of love and affection for the girl. Had they been wise to break up like they did? Ryan had hated being long distance with the girl and as their lives had gotten busier, it just had seemed like it was too much to deal with. Their breakup had been friendly and Ryan had moved on with his life reasonably quickly. The same had seemed true with Taylor.

Why then this feeling of remorse about losing her? Why then this feeling of nostalgia for her and the past? Thinking about her, Ryan realized that the distance of the Atlantic Ocean and the busy schedule of college life had provided the perfect buffer between the two. Living in separate continents, it was extremely easy to forget how good the relationship had felt; having Taylor in Europe had made life easier for Ryan because his loneliness had made him gravitate towards other women. If she had been close by this entire time, no doubt he would still be with her.

There was a knock at his door and it broke his train of thought. Again the knock sounded and as he rose from his chair, he could hear Seth's voice calling for him.

"You in there man?"

"What are you doing here?" Seth entered without a word and turned and faced Ryan. "Is Summer okay?"

"Summer's fine—it's you I'm worried about."

"If this is about dinner…"

"Dinner, before dinner, what the future will likely bring."

"What are you taking about man? Did Sandy send you?"

"Sandy's worried, so was mom."

"They think I'm obsessed with Taylor."

"Yeah man, just a little. You were getting pretty pissed at dinner and I haven't seen that side of you in a while; for the past year or so you've been a pretty happy Ryan and I was starting to get used to it."

"I don't know what happened at dinner—I guess I just got a little jealous."

"And I understand that—I really do. You never really got over Marissa so I doubted you'd be over Taylor. Plus seeing her again, looking all hot and Taylorish, probably is making you wish for the good old days of love triangles with French ex-husbands and setting your dad up with Julie Cooper."

"Maybe—so why do I get the sense that you just didn't come over here to tell me that."

"Because even though I support you one-hundred percent, I just want you to be careful. She's not the same person."

"She seems pretty all right to me."

"I think it was an act dude—she wanted to put on a good face for you and my parents. I'm not saying that Taylor's turned into a total bitch but there's something there now that wasn't inside of her when she loved you. Taylor has a mean streak in her and I don't want you to get hurt by her."

"I think you're wrong about her—I think deep down inside she's the same girl." Seth looked at his friend and sighed deeply; he seemed to give up.

"Well you have this love connection with her so I'm not going to argue about it. Just know that whatever you do about Taylor Summer and I support you."

"Has Summer said anything about me and Taylor?"

"Only that Taylor said she was really excited about seeing you. You're still taking Taylor to those apartments tomorrow?"

"Yeah—she's leaving for Newport the day after."

"Okay well have fun with that." Seth started to go but then stopped as he was opening the door. "I guess April wasn't too happy—seeing that she's not here right now."

"Yeah she wasn't—she left about twenty minutes ago."

"I figured—that's why I just kind of dropped by; she seemed kind of pissed at you as dinner dragged on."

"We'll work it out."

"Whatever you say man." Seth gave his friend one last look of concern and then left.


	6. Chapter 6

If Ryan hadn't been infatuated before, he certainly was by the time he and Taylor had seen three apartments and eaten lunch. The way she smiled at him and laughed at his jokes had made him dizzy all day; her touch had felt electric whenever she let her hand or fingers or arm brush against his. Yes, it had certainly been a near perfect day. They had talked the entire time of this and that and as they day progressed, he found himself wishing for and longing for her and the past they had once shared.

Like the rising sun, the advent of Taylor on that day slowly but steadily banished April from the horizon. Ryan had tried to call her in the morning but she had not answered his calls; at first he had been disappointed, but as the morning had surrendered to the afternoon, Ryan found himself not caring that April had not called him back. He had been enjoying himself too much at Taylor's side.

Ryan was not enjoying himself now though. It was nearly 5pm and Ryan was getting tired of driving around and looking at different apartments. They had both loved the third place, a small, clean and pretty old building that was close to campus; Taylor, however, had insisted that they look at the other two apartments, just to be sure. It was this last place that was causing him grief.

His grief came in the shape of a tall and broad shouldered black gentleman who was the nephew of the man who owned the flower shop in which the apartment was attached too. Since Taylor had set her eyes upon the man, she had prattled and smirked and done all the things she had been doing to Ryan all day. It was like the sun had suddenly decided to stop shining on Ryan; he felt cold and isolated and now, as he pretended to examine the condition of the sitting room's wallpaper, he was fighting an urge to go over to them and take Taylor away.

"Yea I totally get what you are saying." Taylor dazzled the man with a wide grin and Ryan watched with anxiety as she titled her head in that seductive way he enjoyed so much. Turning to Ryan now, her eyes seemed to be teasing him, mocking him with her power. "Are you enjoying the wall paper Ryan?"

"Sure." He didn't know what to say; for whatever reason she was leaving him tongue-tied.

"What do you think of the place?" She walked to him and as she did, Taylor played with her long auburn locks. "I like it a lot."

"I wonder why." Taylor raised an eyebrow in sarcastic consideration.

"You sound grumpy."

"It's been a long day—do you want to get out of here?" They were supposed to meet with Seth and Summer for dinner later on in the evening. Since Taylor was gone the next day, this would be the last time Summer and Seth would see her before they left for Rhode Island in a few days.

"Sure—he just wants to show me the bedroom real fast." Her face grew into a large grin and as she approached the man, he leaned in to whisper something into her ear. As she giggled at his words, Taylor turned to Ryan and gave him a coy smile. Her eyes shined in impish delight, and whatever the words were, Taylor's look was enough to lacerate Ryan inside.

"I'll be outside." Ryan's coldness vibrated through the room and before Taylor could react to him, he was out of the apartment and walking blindly down the stairs in anger. Damn it, why did he feel so stupid? Why was this girl, who wasn't a girlfriend or lover, causing him so much despair? The answer was obvious to Ryan of course, he had strong feelings for her, he wanted her and he wanted her to want him. Hadn't she been showing him that she wanted him to entire day? Hadn't she flirted outrageously through lunch with him? Ryan hadn't stopped her, no, he had relished it. Now she was turning her eyes elsewhere, had it been all a mistake? Had Ryan gone temporarily insane and seen much more in Taylor's words and actions than she had intended?

"Ryan?" It was Taylor, walking slowly down the stairs. Ryan's eyes slowly moved up from her long pretty legs, past her cute pink mini skirt and up her to gorgeous face which was framed by her auburn locks. "Why did you run off like that?"

"I think you know."

"Because I was flirting with Tony—so what?" She took a step closer to him and stared down from the staircase. "I don't have a boyfriend."

"No you don't." He was angry and she could sense it; his anger used to upset her but now she did not seem to fear it. "The way you've been acting today made that clear."

"And how have I been acting?" Her words hung dangerously in the air.

"I don't know Taylor—I thought…" Ryan didn't really know how to continue. Should he say the words he wanted to, that he thought she wanted him the same way he wanted her? Again he felt tongue tied in her presence; he didn't want to make a slip and look like a fool before her. That had never bothered him before, but now, today, being a fool in the eyes of Taylor Townsend was the last thing he wanted.

"You thought what Ryan?" He didn't know how to respond but she didn't give him much time. "Come here." Her voice was suddenly tender and sweet and as he took a step up and came close to her, she took him by the arm and pulled him in close to her. "Kiss me." Her perfume was soft and light, like her skin and like her lips. When he kissed her it was a soft and tender kiss—she melted into his arms and he held her close to him in the cool shadows. He listened to her heart beating peacefully against his and when he kissed her neck and pulled out of the embrace and smiled happily at him.

"I've wanted you to do that all day."

"I did too—that's why I left." He took her hand and she squeezed it. "I don't understand you sometimes."

"How about I give you a chance to get to know me." He leaned in and kissed her again; it was more intense and passionate this time. She moaned softly as his lips moved to her neck and his hands found her legs and thighs. "You're going to get it tonight." Taylor purred into his ear and then nibbled on it playfully. "We'd better get back upstairs."

"You'd better behave yourself when we do." She laughed and told him that she could promise him nothing.

"You'd better catch me before I get back up there." Taylor teased him and as she turned around, raised up her skirt to reveal a pale pink satin thong. "If you can catch me you can take that off me tonight." Taylor started to run up the stairs but Ryan was quicker. He took her by the waist and bodily carried the girl up the stairs and put her down by the apartment door.

Tony opened the door as they stood their laughing and gave Ryan a questioning look.

"Are you guys okay?"

"We're fine."

"What do you think of the place?"

"It's very nice." Taylor turned and looked at Ryan before returning her gaze to Tony. "But not exactly what I'm looking for."


	7. Chapter 7

As Ryan pulled into April's driveway, he could see the girl sitting on the porch, smoking a cigarette. He had called her earlier that morning, after finally dragging himself home and out of Taylor's bed. She knows what's about to come, Ryan told himself as he cut off the ignition.

How had it happened so fast? Only a week ago he had been with April, happy and content with his relationship with her. It was true that he had never fallen in love with her, but so far that hadn't bothered him. Even knowing that Taylor was coming back to America had not really bothered him; he suspected that seeing her would be at first awkward to be sure—but Ryan had been confident that he and his ex-girlfriend would have fallen into a casual and easy friendship.

Now however, as he got out of his jeep, Ryan was on his way to breaking up with April. It had to happen because of what had taken place to evening before. After leaving that final apartment, Ryan and Taylor had gone first to get a drink to celebrate Taylor's new apartment; that one drink that turned into three more so by the time they had met with Summer and Seth, both Ryan and Taylor were feeling buzzed and affectionate. Summer had been overjoyed when she had spotted Taylor and Ryan enter the café hand and hand—Seth had shown considerable more hesitation but had still welcomed the new couple with a smile.

A new couple; yes, in Ryan's mind that is what they were. After dinner Taylor had taken him back to her hotel room and they had slept together. It had not been making love, it was not tender. She had kissed him and scratched and clawed at him as if she had not tasted a man in years. When their lust had been spent, she had lay in his arms and asked him what it had meant for him and April. Ryan had pronounced simply that it was over for them; Taylor had only smiled and kissed his neck and fallen asleep. Ryan wasn't exactly sure what he was getting himself into, but he felt propelled to take the steps necessary to secure a future with Taylor.

"Hey." April flicked some ash from the tip of her cigarette and attempted to smile up at Ryan. Her eyes were red from crying and Ryan felt a rip at his heart as he beheld the redhead.

"Hi." He felt horribly awkward in front of her; Ryan hated break ups by there was nothing to stop him now. Taylor's taste, her perfume and those brilliant hazel eyes commanded him hither to her bed.

"So you wanted to talk—talk."

"I called you yesterday morning."

"I know—I just didn't feel like talking." Taking a deep drag, April closed her eyes and reopened them to watch the smoke flutter into the air. "I guess you were with Taylor all day?"

"I was."

"And I guess that's what you want to talk about now?"

"Yeah." Ryan opened his mouth to speak but she cut him off.

"You know—I had a lot of time to think yesterday and do you know what I thought about?"

"I think you're going to tell me without having me guess."

"Why you never fell in love with me. We were together for awhile, weren't we?" She made sure to accent to past tense of the relationship. "But yet in that time you never told me that you loved me."

"You never loved me either."

"Wrong—I did once."

"You never told me." She watched him wordlessly for a while and for a moment Ryan almost thought she had not heard him.

"No—I didn't. For a few weeks I thought I was in love with you, and I thought that you loved me too—but you never said anything to me and the feeling passed." April shrugged her shoulders and threw the cigarette to the ground. "I didn't really mind that you didn't love me—we're both young and I don't think either of us are incredibly romantic people." She pulled out another cigarette and before she lit hers she offered one to Ryan—he refused. "But the reason that I speak of love is not to blame you for not loving me—I don't regret for a minute having fallen in love with you. No, I realized yesterday that one of the reasons you never fell in love with me is because you were still in love with Taylor—always have been in love with her; I just don't think you realized how actively in love with her you were until you saw her again." She stopped and smoked and waited for Ryan to reply; he said nothing, her words were holding him in his place, striking him silent. "You are silent and I think the reason you are is because you can't defend yourself—you do love her and your time with her yesterday proves it. I could tell at dinner—she completely memorized you."

"I'm sorr"

"No—I don't want to hear it." She stood up and her blue eyes were suddenly bright with anger. "You don't regret what's happening—you called me this morning with the intention of breaking up with me."

"You don't know that."

"Oh Ryan please don't be an ass. You can barely look me in the eyes and when you called me this morning I could tell in your voice that you were ashamed about something. You slept with her last night, didn't you?"

"April—things happened last night—it's complicated." Ryan didn't know what to say to her, all what she was saying was true but he couldn't find the words to make his side of the story. Maybe it didn't matter; he had behaved poorly of this girl and whatever blows she managed to inflict she no doubt deserved.

"No—it's not so complicated Ryan. I'm going to make it easy for you—we're finished."

"Just like this?"

"Oh so you wanted a scene? You wanted me to try and fight for you Ryan? Is that what Taylor would have done if there was another girl in the picture? No Ryan—I'm not going to fight for you—I'm not going to waste time on a guy who is so hung up on his ex-girlfriend."

"I didn't want it to end like this—so bitter." The words seemed hollow in his ears; had he really ever expected something different? Ryan had known her relatively calm reaction from the other night had just been a way of April not showing her hurt and disappointment. That's why he had tried to call her in the morning. Ryan had wanted to reach out to her, but at the same time, he asked himself, how much effort had he really wanted to make? If April had asked and pleaded for a second chance, would Ryan have caved in? Looking at April now, he told himself that no, he would not. He would still be doing the same thing he was doing now.

"If you want to see bitter, go talk to Emily about you." April laughed and looked at Ryan with a fleeting moment of fondness. "You were a pretty nice guy Ryan—I hope that it doesn't end in disaster for you." With that she tossed away what was left of her cigarette and turned away from Ryan. Before disappearing into her doorway, she turned and gave him one last look. "Take care of yourself, all right?"

"Sure."


	8. Chapter 8

It was Friday night and Ryan was in Newport with Taylor. He had come down for the weekend, their first weekend together since he had broken up with April six days before. Since then Ryan had gone back to work and Taylor had spent her days packing in the afternoon and dinner at the club with her mother and her friends.

"Her friends are boring Ryan." They were in Taylor's bedroom, listening to the rain that fell outside and looking at pictures of Taylor's time in Europe. "They try to talk to me and think they sound intelligent but they all sound like fools." She stood up from the bed and took the bottle of wine that was on her dresser. Veronica Townsend was in Los Angeles for the weekend and so Taylor had decided to take all her meals in her bedroom so she could have privacy with Ryan. "Do you want some more?"

"No thanks." He watched her as she poured out a glass of a Spanish red. Taylor and alcohol always seemed to be connected nowadays and it was something that Ryan was determined to watch out for. "How many have you had?"

"Today? I think this is my fifth glass." She looked at him and for a moment the smile that crept across her face was a dangerous one. "Why do you ask?"

"I was just curious—I mean, don't you think your mother will wonder if you drink all her wine this weekend?"

"Oh most of it she gets as gifts from clients." Taylor sat down on the bed and ran her hands through Ryan's hair. "I'm really glad you came down this weekend."

"I'm glad too—big house, all to ourselves." Ryan crept close to her and started to kiss her neck. He felt her shudder in pleasure as a low gasp escape her full lips. "You don't want to spill your wine."

"I'm in firm control of my drink." She pulled away from him and grinned boldly at him. "You're getting a head of yourself Ryan—you can't have me just yet."

"Oh." He pouted at her and gave her his most adorable puppy dog look. "Even if I seduce you with my soulful blue eyes."

"You're sweet." She kissed him and stood up and walked over to her closet. "I went shopping this afternoon before you got here and bought you something nice."

"Is it another teddy? Because you gave me one once before."

"Well a boy can never have just one." Taylor teased him with her eyes and they looked at each other in a comfortable silence as she sipped her wine. "Summer called me today."

"She's sounding better."

"Yes, the beach seems to be cheering her." Summer and Seth, upon their arrival back in Providence, had taken down to the beach daily. The sun, her doctors said, would be good for clearing her head and making her feel healthier and so far it had been working. "Will you behave yourself if I come back over there?"

"Only if you promise me my surprise soon?"

"You'll get it soon enough—I'll have to send you downstairs though to get some champagne though—I need to make the mood romantic." Taylor laid her wine on the floor and took Ryan's face in her hands and pulled him into her sweet, wine stained lips. As he kissed her, he could taste the dry sweetness on her lips and tongue; the wine mingled with her perfume and as he slowly ran his left hand up her legs he felt her swoon slightly and melt into his arms. She moaned something in French into his ear and as she did, she parted her legs for him and allowed his hands to slide up under her skirt, closer to her treasure.

Slowly, slowly, Ryan's hand crept up past her inner thigh and as his fingers slide under her silk panties, Taylor let out a loud groan of feverish desire. Ryan felt his head spinning from the wine, the intoxicating smell of the wine on Taylor's breath as well as the smell of her hot wetness; the room seemed to be smoldering from their lust and for a moment Ryan felt Taylor surrender to him as she whimpered submissively in his ear.

He was about to press deeper inside of her when she suddenly pushed him away and giggled in seductive delight.

"You are being bad."

"And you're a tease." He was annoyed at her and she could tell. Taylor pecked him and the cheek and recovered her drink from the floor.

"You almost had me Ryan—but you don't want to ruin your present."

"You're really building up expectations."

"And you love every minute of it." She finished off what was left of her wine and went over to pour out what was left in the bottle. "You're in luck though—I think we'll be needing the champagne soon."

"Can I pour said champagne all over your body?" He knew a champagne bath was one of the things that really got Taylor going and he could see her fluster increasing as she thought about it.

"Mmm." She purred as she returned to Ryan's side. "We didn't get through much of the picture album." Taylor turned around and picked it up and placed it on her lap. Ryan watched her as she absently flipped through it. "He was a sweetheart."

"Oh really?" The man in question was a good-looking young blonde gentleman. In the photo, he stood outside of a tavern with his arm around Taylor's waist. They both looked cheerfully into the camera and as Ryan watched Taylor smile at the memory of that day, he felt a surge of jealousy. "Who was he?" Ryan did not know much about her past in Europe and frankly he feared to learn about it. Her stories about an untalented painter had pushed him into anger; he did not want to know about the talented young men she must have been familiar with.

"Karl—he was just a friend of mine." Taylor smiled at him shyly and Ryan felt that she was lying to him.

"You guys seem pretty friendly." There was an edge in his voice that made Taylor look up at him; her hazel orbs iced in temporary annoyance.

"If you're jealous Ryan you should start learning to hide it better."

"Who said anything about being jealous?" His tone, like hers, was now defensive.

"No one." Taylor laughed at him and suddenly it was if a strange and malevolent spirit had departed the room by Taylor and her whims. "We shouldn't fight about the past—it's silly."

"I know." For a madding reason, Ryan felt like he had to know about Karl. Why did he want to know Taylor's past? For a man of jealousies like Ryan, it would do him no good to ask about Taylor's time in Europe; she had been active all three years, she had known painters and writers and artists and aristocrats. No doubt she had spent time in some of their beds; in fact he was sure of it because Summer and Seth had always hinted that Taylor had taken lovers. He knew in his heart that it shouldn't bother him; Ryan hadn't been a boy scout either while Taylor was away but there was something bothering him the same.

Certainly if Taylor had returned to America the same sweet girl he had fallen in love with, Ryan would not be as worried or interested in knowing of her past. Taylor was different however; the young woman that had completely bewitched him had a seductive power over him that attracted him and scared him. What in her three years in Europe gave her such power? What had she seen and done to arrive back in America as such a mature, beautiful and potentially dangerous creature? Ryan doubted, as Taylor flipped through the book, lost in her own world, that he was unable to keep up with her.

"What are we Taylor?"

"What do you mean?" Her eyes were lost both in memory of the past and in confusion of his question.

"This thing we're doing—are we in a relationship?"

"Well we're certainly not just friends." Taylor brushed a lock of her hair away from her face and then leaned close to Ryan. "I'm really crazy about you Ryan but I'm not ready for anything more than just this." She kissed his neck slowly as he thought about her answer.

"What exactly is this?"

"I don't know—spending time together, having fun. Nothing too serious right? I mean, you just got out of a pretty long relationship." Taylor nibbled on his earlobe and she whispered something French, something soft and seductive to him. "Let's take it slow—we have lots of time."

"I have one more year at Berkeley."

"A year is a long time to figure it out." Her mouth moved to his lips and he kissed her back with the same passion. "Have I kept you waiting long enough?" Taylor's eyes were heavy with desire and as her lips curled up into seductive enchantment, Ryan felt his blood rising in sensual anticipation.

"Yes."

"Good." He knew they would both be tired and sore in the morning.


	9. Chapter 9

When Ryan woke to the glaring sunlight of the morning, he found that he was alone in the bed. Looking over to the clock on Taylor's nightstand, he noticed the time was about nine AM; as he rose from the bed, he yawned loudly and smiled. The memories of the previous evening flashed through his mind and he felt with his foot the reality of his memories as his heel bumped against the empty bottle of champagne that had played such a role in their debauch.

Ryan walked out of her bedroom and called out for her. Getting no answer, Ryan logically assumed she was in the kitchen and was having breakfast. He walked downstairs and past the maid Veronica Townsend had just hired early that summer.

"Is Taylor in the kitchen?"

"Sorry?"

"Is Miss Townsend in the kitchen?"

"Oh yes—Miss Townsend—_si_—yes, she is in the kitchen." Ryan smiled at the young woman and pushed open the door. He stopped for a moment and admired the image of Taylor, her auburn color bright and warm in the morning haze. Sitting there, absently reading the newspaper and eating a fruit, she looked beautiful and angelic. Again a wave of memory swept over him and a less angelic, but just as beautiful aspect appeared in his mind.

"What are you doing, standing there?" Taylor eyed him playfully. "You sleep well?"

"Pretty well." He came to her and kissed her on the forehead. "How long have you been up?"

"Since eight; I didn't want to wake you." Taylor put her hands in his and squeezed them affectionately. "Last night was pretty amazing."

"I'm glad you think so too." He leaned forward and kissed her neck and as his lips brushed her skin, she giggled and leaned into his body.

"You better watch it or I might just have to attack you." Taylor murmured something French into his ear that he did not understand and smiled brightly. "You must be hungry."

"I am—do you have any bagels?"

"No—we have cereal and fruit and bacon and eggs."

"Bacon and eggs sounds great." Taylor rose and went to the intercom next to the kitchen door. Pressing it, she called out for the maid and turned to Ryan with an attractive grin.

"Breakfast will be ready shortly." The maid entered the kitchen and listened as Taylor gave instructions in Spanish. As the servant started to get materials out of the refrigerator, Taylor rejoined Ryan at the table. "What do you want to do today? I was thinking we could hang out by the pool and have lunch out there."

"Sure—and tonight I'll take you to the club for dinner."

"Yes." Taylor's smile turned into a sudden frown. "No—well, maybe not. I just remembered that we're invited to a dinner party at Holly's."

"Holly invited us to a dinner party?" Ryan had never liked Holly, ever since she had cheated on Marissa with Luke. Ryan further had never known Taylor to be friends with the girl either.

"Well she invited my mom to the dinner party weeks ago—Holly's husband wants to get in good with the mayor's office and of course my mom knows people there. Of course this emergency meeting came up and my mom can't go. She's already sent an RSVP so I feel like it would be bad form if a Townsend didn't show up."

"So you want to go?"

"Not really but again I don't want us to look bad—it might be an all right evening, Dr. Kim will be there and so will the Ward twins and their mom." Ryan must have looked unconvinced because Taylor further promised that they could leave right after the dinner course was served. "You can take me out for a drink afterwards—I don't know, get me drunk on champagne." Ryan's breakfast was delivered—the eggs and bacon looked delicious and he looked up to the young woman and thanked her for the food. "Do you want coffee Ryan?" He nodded his head and Taylor asked for some coffee for _senor_. "I'll call you if we need anything else." Taylor watched the maid go out of the kitchen and sighed to herself. "She's good but she needs a lot of direction."

"When did you become such an expert on how to handle the help?"

"In Paris a lot of my friends had servants—I don't know, I just got used to having things done for me. I didn't have someone for myself but it was always nice going to a dinner party Friday or Saturday night and not having to lift a finger."

"So you're glad that your mom keeps a maid."

"Yes—it is nice having someone keep the house in order—she's a very good cook, don't you think?"

"These eggs are good."

"She'll make a good lunch too—I was thinking chicken with a summer salad—we can have some champagne—which reminds me that I need to get a new bottle cold."

"You do love your champagne."

"I do—its my favorite thing in the world—we used to drink champagne every evening at Fleur's." It was on the tip of Ryan's tongue to make a comment about her drinking, but so far it had not really been a factor in her behavior. He had gone through Kirsten's alcoholism but with Taylor, there were no signs that it was a dangerous path she was on, yet. As the evening before, he made a mental note of her drinking and was determined to watch out for it.

"You said she might come this summer?"

"In August I hope—she's sweet—you'll adore her." A secret smile spread over her face—she had temporarily fallen back into a past that was closed off to Ryan. "We had some good times together." Taylor laughed to herself and turned her hazel eyes to Ryan. As she was coming out of her memories, Ryan noticed a passing sadness on her face.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah—just miss people sometimes."

"Well you have us now—Summer, Seth, me."

"I know—it is nice but I do miss them." Taylor rose from her seat and poured out some coffee. "Do you want more coffee?"

"No—I still have some." He returned to his food and in the silence remembered that he had wanted to see Marissa. "I was actually thinking about visiting Marissa after breakfast." He hadn't been to her grave in almost a year and he knew it would do him some good to see her again.

"Do you want me to go with you?"

"No—I haven't been there in awhile so I was thinking I'd go myself."

"Sure." Taylor sat down next to him and leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "Take as much time as you need." Ryan thanked her and finished with his food.

"I'm going to jump in the shower and head out there." Ryan left Taylor reading the newspaper and headed off to shower; afterwards, he said goodbye to her and drove off to the cemetery where Marissa and Dr. Roberts were buried.

The day was hot and still and by the time Ryan had made it to the gravesite he was hot and sweaty. Marissa's grave was well kept and a single pink rose kept guard of the tombstone.

Sinking down next to Marissa, Ryan ran his fingers over the lettering of her name.

"Hey." It was hard for him to believe by she had been dead now these six years. So much had changed since then but here he was, still at her side. Ryan had certainly loved her and he realized, as he sat by her, that if she hadn't died his life would have gone along a different path. No doubt they would have dated on and off while at Berkeley together; would April and Emily ever had existed in his life? Furthermore, would Taylor have ever existed for him romantically? In all honesty, Ryan told himself, the answer would probably be no. Marissa's death had made it possible for Taylor to come into his life, had made it possible for Julie Cooper to fall in love with his father and made it possible for Summer to become a dedicated environmentalist. Those few moments along an empty road so many years ago had changed things for all of them but at the same time things had very much remained the same.

Ryan knew that he was wrapped up in Taylor the same way he had been wrapped up in Marissa. Like Marissa, Taylor had a hold on him no matter what relationship he was in and how good it was going. When things had died for him with Lindsay and Sadie, it was Marissa he had returned to. Likewise, Taylor was a force that his heart was unable to shake off. His inability to fall in love with Emily or April proved that for him.

"I still love you, you know." Marissa was unresponsive but that was okay for Ryan because he knew that she had loved him until the end. Love—he had only really loved two women in his life, Taylor and Marissa. If anyone would have asked him who he had loved more, Ryan would be unable to say. It was an unfair question and it was an impossible one for him to answer—Taylor knew better than to ask it because she probably realized that Ryan could not tell her anything. He didn't love Taylor now but he would fall in love with her again; he could fell it in his body—it was inevitable, just like it was inevitable that the sun would rise the next morning.

The ringing of Ryan's cell phone broke the spell that had been hovering over him. It was Sandy and Ryan fought his initial response the answer the call. He didn't feel like talking to anyone right now, he just wanted to be along with Marissa. So he sat with her in silence and watched the bright, sun drenched world around him. Birds flew through the blue sky and bees lazily fluttered between flowers. Watching this still, quiet scene, it amazed Ryan that there was death and sorrow in this world. His phone rang again—it was Taylor this time sending him a text message; she wanted to know if she should tell Rosa to start lunch.

Looking at his watch Ryan realized he had been gone nearly two hours. He messaged Taylor back that he was on his way and as he walked, Ryan dialed his voice message; walking down the hill, Ryan suddenly froze. Sandy's message had been to convey the news that Dawn and Trey were in San Francisco, and wanted to see him.


	10. Chapter 10

Ryan waited impatiently for his brother and mother to arrive. It wasn't that they were very late; it was rather Ryan's own wish to get this meeting over with. He had not seen Trey since his senior year of high school and the sad and bitter memories of Trey's short stay in Newport still were fresh in Ryan's mind. Much of the sadness that had taken place in Ryan's life four years previously had stemmed from Trey's near rape of Marissa. Her shooting him had driven her from Harbor and into the sympathetic and willing arms of Johnny Harper; that strange love triangle had introduced them all to the man who took Marissa down that bad path that had lead to her death.

He hadn't really wanted to see Trey again, but his mother had been very anxious about her two sons coming together again and Ryan had felt himself relenting, albeit very unwillingly. As to his mother, Ryan was not overjoyed about the prospect of seeing her either. Ever since the reappearance of the reformed Frank Atwood, Dawn's already tenuous relationship with her son had been further strained. She had not understood how Frank could return back and make such strong headway in the life of Ryan when Dawn had fought so hard for all her second chances. Ryan and his mother had fought about the subject of Frank Atwood very bitterly during Ryan's freshman year of college and ever since then, he and his mother had hardly spoken.

Now, however, both Ryan's brother and mother were in town and wanted to see him. He had wanted to go alone despite the fact that Taylor, Sandy and Kirsten had all been more than willing to go with him. Ryan's wish to shield Taylor from his family was obvious; Trey had tried to force himself onto one girlfriend already, Ryan didn't need his brother developing a violent attraction to another girlfriend. As to Sandy and Kirsten, Ryan wanted to keep them away from the drama of the Atwood family, at least for now. If they both proved to be different and better people, Ryan would open up the doors of communication a little more.

Finally, Ryan spotted them. He rose and watched as Dawn Atwood, Trey and a thin and pale young woman approached him.

"Hey baby." Dawn was misty eyed as she hugged her son. "How are you?" Apparently all the bitterness of their last fight seemed to have been forgotten.

"I'm all right." Ryan felt nervous and anxious; his brother stood before him, silent and ashamed. "Hey man."

"Hey." The two Atwoods stood silently facing each other, each not sure what to say or how to act.

"Give your brother a hug." Dawn prodded Trey who smiled shyly and reached for Ryan—the younger brother stood rigid as Trey wrapped his arms around Ryan and hugged him tightly.

"I've missed you brother."

"Yeah." Ryan could think of nothing else to say. He stood awkwardly for a moment and then looked towards the young woman who was standing meekly at Trey's side. "Hey."

"Come here sweetheart." Trey seemed very proud of himself at that moment as he introduced the young woman to Ryan. "Lisa, meet my little brother Ryan—Ryan, this is my wife Lisa." As a flabbergasted Ryan reached out for Lisa's thin hand, he noticed for the first time the wedding ring on Trey's hand.

"Married? Congrats."

"Thank you." Dawn explained that they had been married just this February. She looked proudly at her son and daughter-in-law, who seemed to be just as uncomfortable at the entire situation as Ryan.

"How did you guys meet?" They took their seats now and Ryan forced himself to smile at both his brother and mother. The fact that Trey was married and on seemingly good terms with Dawn was strange for Ryan; Dawn and Trey had been fighting for years so this sudden era of good feelings between the two was shocking to Ryan.

"In Las Vegas about two years ago." Trey looked at his wife and smiled at her. "I met her through her father."

"At the casino?" The last Ryan had heard of Trey he was working as a bartender at a less than reputable gambling hall.

"No—my father's never gambled." Lisa's voice was sour which matched the sour expression that seemed to always exist on her face; Ryan wondered if the girl was perpetually miserable.

"He didn't mean anything by it." Trey turned to his brother and his face became very animated. "Her father's a minister in the city; he's the one that saved me."

"He's saved many through Christ." For a brief moment the girl's sour expression was replaced by a bland affection.

"Trey was going through a bad time Ryan—Dwight was the only one that would care for him." Dawn reached out and squeezed Ryan's arm. "We've all made a lot of mistakes but God has been good to us lately."

"I was going through a bad drinking bought and had lost my job at the casino—Lisa's dad found me in the gutter one day and brought me to his ministry." Trey told the story of how he had resisted Dwight's message at first but Dwight never for a moment gave up on him. "He told me that I was a sinner—that we were all sinners—and that he could help me find some peace."

"So now you're here trying to save me too?"

"Not to force you Ryan—I made mistakes brother, you know that." Trey's excitement became replaced by shame; he had trouble making eye contract with his younger brother and almost seemed to be on the verge of tears. "I"

"Tell him honey." Dawn's voice was sweet and coaxing. "This is hard for him Ryan."

"I messed up bad with you and Mari" Ryan got up before the rest could come out his mouth. The café had become too hot, too crowded; angrily he left the café and cursed bitterly for a moment. All of this was too overwhelming and strange. So Trey had found God? What was he expecting of Ryan, that he could show up and say he was sorry and expect to be forgiven, for things to settle into their old brotherhood. "I know this is tough for you." Trey had joined him outside, shame and penance prominent on his face.

"Yeah just a little—you show up here and say that you're sorry and expect what?"

"A second chance—I don't know—like the one you gave dad, or don't you remember the hell he put us all through?"

"No—I remember; dad changed."

"I have too—and so has mom." He looked so sincere standing there, his dark eyes hopeful and sad at the same time. "Come back and stay—for ten minutes at least." Dawn came out of the café and her eyes were deep with worry.

"Ryan—honey, we just want a second chance."

"To be a regular family?"

"To be any type of family; we don't want to replace the Cohens, we just want to have you in our lives."

"It's been so long."

"And I know a lot has happened—but when your father came to you, you gave him a chance—give us a chance." Dawn seemed on the point of saying something but then stopped; no doubt she wanted to say what had just flashed through Ryan's mind: Frank Atwood had put them all through so much but had been accepted by Ryan. He had opened his heart up to him and now Ryan and his father got a long very well. Dawn and Trey had all been a team once, they had all looked out for each other, or had at least tried to. They deserved the same opportunity that Frank Atwood had been given.

"Do we have the time though—I mean, it's going to take time to make things okay—how long are you even going to be up here?"

"Well that's the other thing we wanted to tell you." Dawn smiled at Trey and they both turned to Ryan with sparkles in their eyes. "Trey and Lisa moved up here because they're going to help run the soup-kitchen over on Brown St."

"Lisa's dad is friends with the director there and he set us up—we're going to help them out up there and spread the word."

"So that means you guys are going to be up here for a while?"

"At least two years, maybe more if things go really well." Dawn seemed to be full of the same zeal that flowed through Trey whenever he talked about Christ and the ministry that had saved him.

"You should come by one day when we're all settled in."

"Come on a Saturday morning and help serve breakfast." Trey explained to Ryan how moving an experience it was to help those who were poor and needy; he himself had never felt more humble than when he had served others. "It's why we were put here on earth, to serve one another."

"So what do you say—we've kept Lisa waiting by herself for too long and I'm starving. Have lunch with your mother?"

Ryan looked to both Dawn and Trey, both so eager and hopeful. He had given his father, a man who had committed so many wrongs against them all, a second chance. No doubt they deserved another shot as well.

"Sure—I haven't eaten all day."


	11. Chapter 11

"So where is Taylor this weekend?" Frank Atwood poured out two large glasses of ice tea and handed one to Ryan.

"She went to Miami for the week with her mom—she had some clients to see down there and Taylor's never been before."

"Didn't she hate her mom?"

"She did—but they've apparently bonded since then." The earthquake of 07' had started a slow but steady birth of friendship between mother and daughter; true the relationship was far from perfect but Taylor for the most part enjoyed her time spent with Veronica Townsend. "But we're good."

"Sandy told me she's gotten prettier." Julie Cooper sipped her wine and eyed both Frank and Ryan affectionately. "And calmer."

"I've always found her very pretty."

"And she's certainly calmer—in fact, I think you'd hardly recognize her."

"So she's changed greatly? I don't think I've seen her since I almost married Gordon."

"She has changed a lot—sometimes she's almost a complete stranger." From the next room the sound of Adam crying made Julie rise from her seat. Their son was four now and was seemingly always running into things or falling down and hurting himself. He'd usually cry for a few moments and then start running around again like nothing had happened.

"I'll get him." Julie went off to get her son and left to two Atwoods alone for a moment.

"So Taylor—do you like who's she become?" Frank had liked all of Ryan's girlfriends but of course there was a special place in his heart for Taylor—she had been the one that had helped win Julie for him.

"Some of her—she's a lot more calmer and balanced about things but at the same time there's a mean streak in her that I don't like."

"She doesn't treat you well?"

"Taylor can get a bit bitchy sometimes."

"Well that's true for all woman." Julie had rejoined the conversation. "Adam's up and running once again."

"But she was never really like that before." No, the current incarnation of Taylor rather reminded Ryan of Marissa sometimes. Marissa could be unpredictable at moments and Ryan could see the same in Taylor. "I don't know—I don't like how I feel around her sometimes."

"How does she make you feel?" If anyone could understand losing one's cool around a woman it was Frank. He knew a thing or two about the Atwood temper and didn't want to see the same in Ryan.

"Jealous—insecure. I mean I've been jealous before but never like this. It's just that I can't stop thinking about her past."

"You mean the time she spent in Paris?"

"Yeah—there's this three year period I hardly know anything about and when I do get glimpses of it, it drives me crazy. I don't know, sometimes I worry that she's experienced so much that I can't keep up with her or make her happy."

"Didn't this happen before with you two?"

"Yeah—we broke up because of her French husband."

"You made it work then." Julie swept her hand through the air almost like she was sweeping away the problem for good. "She's with you now."

"I know—but it's just that sometimes she goes into her own world and she makes no effort to share that world with me. I can't stop obsessing over who she was with and what she did."

"That doesn't sound like you Ryan." Frank frowned in deep concern. "You've always been pretty level-headed about your girlfriends."

"That's why I don't like the way I get around her sometimes. For whatever reason her life in France makes me very uncomfortable."

"What do you know about it?" There was something in Julie's voice that made Ryan think that she thought the problem less severe than Ryan imagined. Was he overreacting, was he wrong to be so concerned and worried about Taylor's time in Europe?

"Not much—made a lot of artistic friends, posed for some painters; got along very well with French high society, went to a lot of dinner parties." From the few things Taylor had shared about France, it sounded like all Taylor did was attend school and bounce between cafes and high society drawing rooms and dining rooms.

"That doesn't sound so bad."

"It doesn't but when I see pictures of her with men in cafes and bars I can't stop imaging her sleeping with them and it kills me inside."

"Have you asked her about it?"

"Frank—what is he supposed to do, ask her if she made her way through half the bedrooms in Paris?"

"Of course not—but maybe it's not nearly as bad as Ryan thinks." Julie was about to reply to this when they heard a crash and Adam's crying. Frank rose to check but Julie stopped him and told him that she'd take care of it.

"She's really good with him."

"She's amazing." They drank their ice tea in silence for a few moments. "Trey called yesterday. He wants to get together for lunch."

"I saw him and mom on Tuesday."

"You met his wife too?"

"She's quiet."

"He seems happy though." Ryan only nodded his head. The rest of their lunch had gone fine; it had been awkward the entire way through but in the end it had been all right. Ryan didn't know when he would get together with them again, but he at least wanted to give it a try. "I'm kind of nervous." Frank's words broke Ryan's thoughts. "I haven't seen Trey in nearly nine years."

"Did mom talk to you too?"

"No—your mom and I don't have much to say to each other."

"She's doing okay." Dawn too had found Christ; after his conversion, Trey had sought out his mother. He had found her working at a diner in New Mexico and had stayed with her for a few weeks. Trey had convinced Dawn to move to Las Vegas with him and once there, she had been born again into Christ. Ever since then, she had moved with the same missionary zeal as her son and daughter-in-law.

"Your mom deserves some happiness."

"I hope she finds it in Berkeley."

"I hope your brother is as open as you were."

"Give him a chance—I think you guys will be okay."

"Something tells me his wife won't be as supportive as Taylor."

"Well Taylor was one in a million." They both noticed the use of the past tense. Julie came back to report that Adam had cut his forehead but that he didn't need stitches.

"I cleared the cut and put a band aid on it." Frank smiled up at Julie and leaned up for her kiss. "You boys still talking about the Taylor situation?"

"I was just telling Ryan that I doubted Trey's wife would be as sweet and energetic as Taylor."

"No—probably not." The topic of Trey was a difficult one for Julie. He had been the one who tried to rape Marissa and the entire plot to frame Ryan for the shooting was one that Julie and Ryan would rather forget. Truly, it rather amazed Ryan when he realized that he and Julie Cooper were friends and had grown to love one another. They had once been sworn enemies and now thought of each other as family. "I'd be curious to see how she's turned out."

"When she's back from Miami you guys should come up for the weekend."

"That would be nice." Julie rose and poured herself some more wine. "Do you guys want some more ice tea?" Frank gave his glass to Julie and looked lovingly at her whilst she poured the drink.

"Thanks babe." She blushed slightly and seemed self conscious suddenly about Ryan seeing how happy they were.

"Which Taylor do you want?"

"What?" Julie's question caught him off guard.

"The old Taylor before she went off to the Sorbonne or this current version?"

"I don't know." The old Taylor had been sweet and loving and energetic but at the same time she had been needy and inquisitive and very insecure. The old Taylor had been so thirsty for love and affection that the relationship had nearly been derailed. This new Taylor was not needy or insecure or thirsty for love; she was very confident and sure of herself and not at all the hectic rambler of the past. At the same time, that sweet innocent that Ryan had fallen in love with had been replaced by a sometimes cocky snob who seemed to enjoy playing games of affection with the men who passed through her line of view. Also the old Taylor had been very open about her life; the new Taylor seemed to exist in her own secretive world sometimes and had a whole past that had not shared with Ryan at all. "I'm just getting to know the new one."

"I think you're nostalgic for the past."

"What do you mean?"

"Once your mother and I broke up—I think we had been dating for about five months and then we broke up after a fight. We didn't talk or see each other for several months until we ran into each other at a barbeque. Seeing her again, it brought back all these good memories; I completely forgot or choose to forget the reason we broke up in the first place. We got back together because we both wanted to recapture those earlier months of magic" Frank's voice grew very sad for a moment. "We never did though, we had become completely different people."

"And you think Taylor and I got back together just because of nostalgia for the past?"

"I don't know—maybe. You just have to figure out if you are just trying to recapture sometime that doesn't exist anymore or if you really think you can make a future together—you're both different people, you just have to figure out if you can make it work in this new reality."


	12. Chapter 12

The month of July passed quickly for Ryan; work kept him busy, as did his relationship with Taylor. That month was a good one for them, the jealousy of the past seemed to be slumbering in the hot summer air and Taylor did her best to keep Ryan laughing and happy. It was a happy time for Ryan, but it was also a strange time for him. His mother and brother had indeed settled in Berkeley and kept mostly busy working the soup kitchen and crisis center. Ryan managed to see them a few times and there relationship was a formal but slowly improving one.

"You'll come by and have brunch with us, won't you Ryan?" It was a warm early August evening and they lay in bed naked together; a fan blew soft, slow currents of cool air through the otherwise still room. "She wants to see you."

"Sure, whenever you want me to come by." Taylor's friend Fleur was flying in the next evening and Ryan was pleased to see that Taylor was so keen on making sure Fleur met him. "I can come Sunday if you like."

"I'd like that." She rolled on top of him and kissed him long and passionately. "Sex probably wasn't the best idea in this heat, was it?"

"No—probably not." He ran his hands along her back and down to her bottom and as he did, he relished the feel of her soft warm skin. "We've had worse ideas."

"Yes—like the time we tried to have sex after you lost all that blood during the earthquake—I thought you were going to faint on me." Taylor giggled at the memory, so obscure and buried by the past until now. She kissed his neck and got off of him and sat at the edge of the bed. "Do you want a drink?"

"I'll have a beer." Taylor left the bedroom and as Ryan lay hot and sticky in Taylor's bed, he could hear her fishing through the refrigerator. He sighed in happiness at being here with her. They had only been together a short while, two months in about three weeks, but already Ryan felt himself falling in love with her. This month together had been so good for them that Ryan's old jealousies seemed too small and foolish. His talk with Frank had certainly helped; Ryan had been stuck on their time together four years previous—he had just needed to see how wonderful and good Taylor had become to fully appreciate her.

"I come bearing gifts." She handed an ice-cold bottle of beer to him and took a drink from her own. "I don't know why you talked me into buying this." Taylor made a face of mock disgust and grinned as Ryan chuckled at her displeasure.

"You know you love it."

"What I love is a bottle of _White Star_. This I can deal with; I think I went through my beer phase when I spent the summer in Belgium."

"Which summer was that?"

"After my first year in school—some friends and I spent the summer in Brussels. I think we probably got drunk almost every day."

"Sounds fun."

"It was at the time." Taylor shrugged her shoulders in the darkness. "At the time it was the greatest time of my life—we'd go from café to café, from bar to bar and drink and laugh and dance." A shadow of sadness passed over her face as she spoke. "I met so many people in Brussels—we promised to stay in touch but of course that never happened; we lose so many people in our lives. It's funny isn't it, how one day someone can be so important to your world and then the next they are just a memory."

"That's a happy thought."

"No—but it's a true one." She drank more of her beer and then forced a smile. "Fleur came up for a couple of days with Henri-Michal; he was in love with her you know."

"Did that make you jealous?" He could feel it inside of him, slowly stirring and growing warmer—that jealousy.

"That he was in love with Fleur? Not in the least, I tried to help him out, tried to get him interested in other girls but it didn't take." She sighed deeply. "Poor Henri—she wouldn't look at him."

"Why didn't she like him?"

"Fleur is such a snob—he didn't come from the 'right people'."

"I thought he was rich."

"He's certainly well to do but that wasn't good enough for Fleur—no, you had to be a Saint-Loup or De Crecy to catch Fleur's eye. Taylor said it so simply that Ryan believed that Taylor did not find her friend's behavior strange or wrong. "We went to a ball at the Spanish embassy there and Fleur was in heaven; I don't think she'd seen so many princes and duke's in one room together."

"I wish I could have seen you there—dancing with all the princes."

"Yes—it was a wonderful evening—I loved the dress that I wore; it was silver and had a black sash at the waist—Fleur found it for me.

"Do you still have the dress?"

"No—I lost it; I think it was stolen by someone at the hotel, probably by a maid. I remember I was so upset because of it—it was very pretty. Fleur told me that I was the prettiest woman at the dance that night."

"That sounds like a high compliment coming from her."

"It is—she doesn't give them often." Taylor tossed her head back and closed her eyes. She kept still and seemed to be reliving a moment from that evening in her mind. Who did it pertain to? Had she love someone that had come to the dance? Had he been able to see her looking beautiful in the soft Brussels nighttime? "There was this Spanish colonel there who couldn't take his eyes off of Fleur and I. I remember that he told us that he fell in love with both of us in an instant."

"Was he a lover?" The question came out before he could stop his vocal cords from processing the words.

"Yes." Her voice was soft in the darkness. "It was a long time ago." Her hand found his and gripped it. "You mustn't worry about the past Ryan; I had lovers in Paris but it was a long time ago."

"It wasn't so long ago." For whatever reason, Ryan felt a terrible sadness about Taylor now. He knew he loved her then and the thought of her being with other men, no matter how fleeting it had been, made him sad.

"No—it wasn't." She leaned over to him and kissed him longingly. "I love you though. I always have and I always will." He opened his mouth to speak but she stopped him before he could continue. "I want you to promise me something—remember that I love you, even if I'm bad to you."

"You won't be bad to me." He said it with a bravado that he didn't feel.

"No—I don't want to be bad to you." Her lips found his again in the heated darkness and in the blackness of the night Ryan gave himself up to the hot pleasure of her body. After they had made love she told him again that she loved him. As he lay at her side, watching her sleep peacefully, the moonlight crept slowly across her hair, illuminating a halo around her auburn locks.

She looks like an angel, Ryan thought to himself. No, an angel wasn't the right word for her; she was like some mystical creature that was capable of bewitching him. What had her words meant? How was she going to be bad to him? Certainly if Taylor loved him she would not cheat on him—that was something that he could not see Taylor doing. Did she have some deeper, darker secret that she was hiding from him? Was there something she had done in Paris that she was horribly ashamed of, something that would crush him? He could not imagine it.

"I don't understand you sometimes." Taylor continued to sleep peacefully; the moon had passed by her and the halo was gone, almost as if Ryan's thoughts had brushed away her brittle crown.


	13. Chapter 13

Ryan approached Taylor's apartment door with a degree of apprehension; ever since the their last night together, when Taylor had made Ryan take that strange promise, he had felt alienated and disconnected from her. They had slept together that night, but in the morning Ryan had felt cold and sick, almost as if a part of him had died a little. Taylor seemed to notice a change in him and had told him that if he had felt strange about things, then it might be better for him to stay away for a couple of days.

Here he was however. Ryan had promised he'd visit this day, at this time. Part of him was also fascinated by the prospect of meeting this Fleur; she was a link to Taylor's past and it seemed to Ryan that much of what Taylor had become was due to this brilliant young woman. He knew a few details about the life and history of Fleur de Charlus; her parents belonged to ancient families that a century ago had been of royal blood. When the nobility had been dissolved for good, they had kept their fortunes and invested wisely; Fleur's people went into banking and the government—they lived in the most fashionable part of Paris and Fleur had gone to the best private school in Switzerland before coming back to Paris to study the French masters at the Sorbonne. Now school was over for the girl and she could easily afford not to take up a career for a good few years. In a word, Fleur was a rich snob; for whatever reason, one that completely escaped Taylor herself, Fleur had taken an instant liking to Taylor and for three years they had spent much of their time hopping through the French country side drinking and painting and making love to men who caught their fancy.

Ryan knocked at the door and a rather pretty young woman, with jet-black hair and violet eyes, answered the door.

"Hello." She wore a pale green sundress that hung attractively to her body. 'You are Ryan, Taylor's friend?" The young woman, who Ryan guessed had to be Fleur, spoke impeccable English that had only a slight trace of a French accent; obviously she had studied her English well in Switzerland.

"Yeah." He entered the apartment and she closed the door behind her; she smelt of coffee, cigarette smoke and wine. "Where's Taylor?" He figured she'd be there waiting for him, at least with a smile to greet him, but she was apparently out.

"Out to get some liquor from the store—can you believe that she doesn't have any whiskey or gin? You must keep a sharp eye out for her, she drinks much too much champagne and wine, makes her too much of a philosopher."

"Did I just miss her?"

"By a moment or two. When you knocked I thought it was her, forgetting her keys." Fleur sat down on a chair and reached for the coffee table, which was littered with unread magazines, cups of drank espresso and an ashtray full of cigarettes. Next to the ashtray was a nearly empty pack of French cigarettes. Ryan watched wordlessly as the girl lit a smoke. "Do you want one? They're Turkish."

"No thanks—I don't smoke anymore." They stood, watching each other silently. Ryan noticed something out of the corner of his eye and turned around to Taylor's sofa. On the middle cushion rested a small portrait of Taylor. "Did you paint this?"

"No—one of her friends from the cafes painted it—Taylor begged me to fetch it from him. Do you like it?"

"I don't know." It was a painting of Taylor at a café, drinking a cup of espresso and smoking a cigarette. She was looking boldly at the painter and her mouth was curled in a sensual leer. What shocked Ryan the most about the painting was Taylor's eyes. They were impish eyes, expressing not sensuality but wickedness and cruelty; there was a malicious shine to her hazel orbs that Ryan doubted the painted meant to convey. As he stood there, looking at Taylor's leering sexuality, he realized that she could be bad to him.

"I believe she wanted to give it to you."

"That's sweet of her. Who painted it then?"

"Robert Morel. I never approved of her café friends but I always thought Morel was the finest out of the group." Ryan turned around now, her words drawing him into Taylor's past. "She always wanted me to go down to the cafes on Sundays with her but I never did; they got her into many bad things." Fleur's eyes glowed with the same impish fire that Ryan saw in Morel's painting.

"Tell me about them."

"I only met a few of them, one night, but Taylor told me many stories about them. Friday night's and most Saturdays she'd spend with me in the _Saint Germain_; she was well liked and we were always well entertained; she had all the champagne she'd ever want there and the men adored her; she was quite popular with the husbands and the wives—I don't understand why she was so interested in the set that went to the _Rue de Guarmantes_ but she was; they drank too much cheap Spanish wine and absinthe." She paused for a moment and continued to smoke her cigarette. "You ever drink absinthe Ryan?"

"No." He knew about it though; it was strong stuff and it surprised Ryan that Taylor had drunk it so regularly.

"It isn't bad; too much of it gives you crazy ideas though. They smoked opium too but Taylor never did any of that; only" She paused for a moment, trying to grasp the right English word out of the air "only some pot I think you call it."

"I don't believe Taylor ever did drugs."

"But she did Ryan; we smoked together—you Americans have such silly ideas about drugs. You see I am not so much a snob not to enjoy pot now and again." Fleur half smiled as she said these words, seemingly proud that she had chosen the right American slang word for marijuana. All of this was rather intense for Ryan; he didn't care about her drug use but the excessive drinking, all the men that she had known? His head was spinning because now he was being exposed to the Taylor he had obsessed over and worried about. All his ideas about her time spent in Paris were coming true. "Do you want me to stop?"

"No—I want to know; she hasn't told me much about Paris."

"There isn't much you know—no doubt your time in college has been as exciting as hers."

"I want to know about the men." It was like a knife wound in the gut, it would hurt him but pulling the knife out quickly would at least make the pain stop.

"It isn't important; it was a long time ago."

"Not so long ago." Taylor's words were ringing in his head now. She had told him 'I don't want to be bad to you.'

"Of course there were men."

"A lot of men?"

"Yes." She sighed into the bluish air around her. "Does that bother you?"

"Honestly—yes."

"Americans have such a strange way at looking at sex—she didn't love them you know."

"She says she loves me—how do I know she didn't tell them the same things?" He felt dirty about Taylor now. Had she slept through half the beds in Paris?

"Taylor is an honest girl." Fleur finished her cigarette and lit another one before continuing. "Will it make you feel better to hear all of the truth? She'd never tell you because she doesn't want to hurt you but if you are so intent on knowing her past; yes, she had many lovers: in Paris and Balbec and Brussels and Berlin and Lisbon. Many of them were painters and writers, some were businessmen; some were married and some were not. You look at me now like you think she is a whore—she deserves better than that."

"That's not her—that's not Taylor."

"People change monsieur; she was rather innocent when I met her but she spent enough time in society to become vain and conceited; lavish enough praise on a woman's beauty and intelligence and she goes over the moon, as the English say. How many months were you together that year?"

"Five months when she came back from France."

"Yes—it was January, right after _Noel_, she seemed a bit different then. I think she took the break up harder than she ever let on to you." Right at that moment Ryan could hear a key turning in the lock and the door opened. Taylor entered carrying two paper bags and when she saw Ryan she smiled at first but then her smile cooled as she saw the pained and confused frame of his eyes.

"Hey Ryan." She put down the bag on the kitchen table and walked towards Ryan and Fleur. "Sorry I kept you waiting." She went to kiss him but Ryan turned his head and gave her his cheek.

"I've just been getting to know Fleur." The young Frenchwoman looked up at Ryan and Taylor and smoked her cigarette silently.

"Yes—I've been telling Ryan about some of our Parisian adventures."

"Oh good." Taylor put on an air of nonchalance as she went over to the kitchen table and took out a bottle of gin and Canadian whiskey. "They only had Canadian, is that okay?"

"That's fine by me." Fleur rose from her chair and took the bottle of gin from Taylor's hand. "I saw we have a drink."

"No thanks." It was barely eleven-thirty and already Taylor and Fleur smelt like a distillery. He watched as Fleur shrugged her shoulders and began to pour the gin into the two glasses that Taylor had set out. They did not mix the gin with anything, they just put a few ice cubes into the glasses.

"Bottoms up." Taylor drank down the gin with a flourish and laughed as Fleur finished hers. Both girls' faces were flushed and warm from the alcohol. "Are you sure you don't want some Ryan?" Taylor's eyes shown brightly with amusement and intoxication; there was a startling brilliance to them that Ryan found himself allured to, even though he was angry and hurt at her.

"No—it's a little too early for drinking."

"We've been up all night." Ever since Taylor had picked up Fleur from the airport they had been talking and drinking and flipping absently through magazines.

"Are you drunk Taylor?"

"No." Her breath told him otherwise.

"You drove to the liquor store like that?"

"Like what—I'm not drunk." There was an edge on her voice that reminded him of Kirsten's when she had denied her drinking problem. This was all too much for him to handle, he had to get out of there.

"Forget it—I'm leaving." Ryan was out the door before Taylor could respond but he had hardly gotten to the stairwell when she called out his name.

"Don't leave." She ran up to him, her eyes bright with lust and excitement. "We're just having some fun."

"You're acting stupid Taylor—don't you know how dangerous you were acting."

"I made a mistake." Taylor took his arm. "Come inside and have a drink with us—I know it was silly of me to drive but we were out of alcohol."

"You drink too much." She dropped his arm and looked at him angrily.

"I don't remember you being like this—you were always so sweet to me."

"And I don't know who you are anymore—Fleur told me about France—all the men you were with, all the drinking—the drugs."

"Like you were a saint at Berkeley? Don't think I haven't heard things about you from Summer and Seth—breaking that girl Emily's heart. You shouldn't be so quick to judge someone's morals."

"I never committed adultery."

"Fuck you." She slapped him before he even saw her hand move to make the strike. They both stood there, looking at each other and in an instant Taylor knew it was over.


	14. Chapter 14

"I told them you were on suicide watch." Seth told Ryan with a sly smile. "They really believed you were going to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge at any moment."

"Thanks for humiliating me to your professors." Seth had needed a reason to get out of an exam and his well-structured sob story had bought him a well-needed vacation. It was a week since Ryan's fight with Taylor and since then they had not spoken. She had called him that evening to apologize but he had been out running; when he had called her back a day later, she had not answered.

"Anytime." Seth, Summer and Ryan all sat at a round table at the _Blue Midnight Bar and Grille_. It was a nondescript college bar near campus that Ryan seldom ever went to but since this was Summer and Seth's first night back in Berkeley, he figured it would be a good place to go and find a little cheer in alcohol.

"Do you want me to talk to her?" Summer once again offered her help and once again Ryan shook his head. Right now he wanted a break from Taylor Townsend, and he knew if that he gave license to Summer to get Taylor talking, it would be done. "She feels pretty awful."

"Well she should." There was Seth, always on Ryan's side. "I don't want to hurt your feelings Summer—because I know she's your friend, but we might have to reorganize the 'We Hate Taylor Club.'"

"There isn't going to be a 'We Hate Taylor Club.' Maybe a 'We Don't Understand Taylor Club.'" Summer turned to Ryan. "I love Taylor to bits but I get where you're coming from—I don't understand what was going on inside Taylor's head because obviously I'm not her. I'm more than happy to play the messenger for a little while between you two but honestly I think it's probably for the best you want your space—I know she does too."

"Then why do you keep asking Ryan if he wants you to talk to her?" Seth, as always, did not understand the logic in his girlfriend's pretty little head.

"Because I'm just letting Atwood know—just like I let Taylor know—that I'm here for him if he wants my help."

"And I thank you for that." Ryan smiled sadly. "Right now Taylor and I need a break—who knows, maybe it's for the best if we just end things now."

"No—I know she really loves you Ryan."

"Why is she acting the way she is?" Summer shrugged her shoulders; she did not understand Taylor's current wild streak and the things she had heard from Ryan had honestly surprised her.

"People change man." Ryan remembered Seth's warning. Seth had seen Taylor twice in Paris with Summer and as he later confessed to Ryan, had seen remarkable change come over the girl both times. "You met Fleur—that's the type of people she spent all her time with."

"Or druggies."

"It's just such a one-eighty for her."

"We all change." Summer raised her shoulders in resignation. She too had changed; the past two months seemingly had been good for her—her medication had begun to work like they were supposed to and the hot Rhode Island sun had also made Summer a little happier, a little more like her old self before her father had died. "I mean—I've changed a ton in four years."

"That's because you lost your best-friend."

"That certainly helped yes—but it also had to do with the people around me—Taylor was on her own." No doubt, Ryan thought, this change would have overcome Taylor four years previous if she hadn't gotten married and fled France for Newport's safety. They all sat in silence and drank, Ryan and Seth with beer and Summer with club soda. Summer's words were true however, Taylor had no one in France to connect her to what she was, why wouldn't she become what was around her?

"I'm out." Seth had drunk only two beers and already he was a little tipsy. "I definitely need to go pee."

Summer watched him leave the table in quiet amusement. "He needed to get away—summer school's been rough on him."

"And you're doing much better."

"I am thank you." She sipped her club soda.

"When did you talk to Taylor last?"

"Last night—she's in LA for a few more days." Fleur and Taylor had taken in Berkeley and San Francisco for two days and then had repaired south to Los Angeles and were planning on staying there for a few days before going further south to Newport and Veronica Townsend. "Have I been a bad friend? Was I not there enough for her?"

"No—you were there for her; I don't think you could have stopped her growing or maturing or whatever you want to call it."

"I just feel bad—I never really noticed how she was or how she was changing. God knows I was so busy with G.E.O.R.G.E. that first year and then catching up at Brown after."

"We all were busy. You visited her at least—you tried."

"I did—I guess I never really noticed anything because we never really went out with her friends—I mean Fleur showed us around some but that was it—mostly it was Taylor taking us on day trips." Summer lapsed into silence for a moment "Sounds like she's having a good time in LA though."

"Well that's good."

"What's good?" Seth sat down and leaned over to plant a kiss on Summer's cheek.

"That Taylor is having fun in Los Angeles."

"Well we're going to have fun here in Berkeley—isn't that right Ryan?"

"We are." They high-fived one another and Summer shook her head in mock embarrassment.

"You guys are such dorks."

"That we are." Seth and Ryan smiled fondly at each other. Looking down, Ryan noticed his glass was empty. "You want another one man?"

"Sure." Ryan rose from the table and as he left he could hear Summer warning Seth not to get too drunk. As he walked to the bar, Ryan couldn't help think about Taylor. Did he miss her? A part of him did, a part of him wanted to see her again, to hold her again; in his heart he wanted things to work out, he wanted to understand why she was the way she was and learn how she had ended up on this path. Another part of him however could not escape the pain that her past caused him or the worry of how she currently was; did the good outweigh the bad? Could he trust her? Did Taylor even want to settle down?

"Ryan?" A voice interrupted his thoughts. He was at the bar now and the voice again called for him. "Ryan Atwood is that you?" Turning around he saw a pretty young woman, dark hair and dark eyes, smiling up happily and hopefully at him. It took him a second to register the face and the voice, but then memories of the past burst upon him and he was smiling and laughing.

"Sadie—" They hugged one another and as they separated both Sadie and Ryan continue to look each other up and down. "How are you?"

"Pretty good—god it's been years." Ryan had always liked Sadie; she had been a very sweet and good girlfriend and he had been truly sad when she had stepped out of his way so he could go to Berkeley on his own.

"Too long—do you live here?"

"In this bar no—but in San Francisco yes—I moved here about a year ago."

"How do you like it?" Their reunion was interrupted by the bartender testily asking if Ryan wanted anything. He ordered and turned his attention back to Sadie. She was still lovely, Ryan thought to himself as she told him her story. Since they had last seen each other, Sadie had moved to a small town called Sunnydale and had worked in a clothing store that sold vintage jewelry.

"It was a strange place—I moved there right after we broke up and spent about two years there; I almost got engaged to this guy but things didn't really work out." Ryan drank his beer as Sadie continued her tale. "I left after an earthquake destroyed most of the town." Ryan remembered when that had happened; it was about a year after Newport's earthquake. "After Sunnydale I went to LA for about two years and then came here; it's nice. How about you, at Berkeley I assume?"

"Just about to start my last year." Ryan turned around as he heard Seth approaching.

"Ryan I was.." He stopped when he noticed Sadie; it took Seth a second but before Ryan could reintroduce them the face and smile of the ex-girlfriend clicked in Seth's mind. "Well well—isn't it Sadie Campbell?"

"Seth." They hugged for a moment and Sadie laughed awkwardly as they all three stood together, searching for something to say. "Small world, don't you think?"

"Yeah we just need Oliver to show up next." Sadie looked confusedly at Ryan, as if she was trying desperately to remember an Oliver person who was friends of theirs.

"I don't remember him—but are you still dating Autumn?"

"Summer—and yes."

"And you're probably with Marissa again?" Her smile faded as she noticed the pain that shot through Ryan's face.

"Marissa died four years ago."

"Right after our high school graduation."

"Oh God I'm so sorry." Sadie hugged Ryan tightly and then let him go with a sad and slightly embarrassed smile on her face, as if she was shy about her sudden surge of affection. Sadie was about to say something else when a voice called for her from behind her. "One minute." The young woman turned back and smiled at Ryan. "I have to go but let me get your number—I want to catch up."

"Yeah—we could go out for coffee or something."

"I'd like that." She took a napkin and pen from the bartender and wrote down her phone number. "I gave you mine—that way I'll know that you're interested." She said goodbye to Seth and starting walking away; before she had gone far, however, she turned back around and beamed a very pretty and happy smile at Ryan.


	15. Chapter 15

A week after Sadie's appearance at the bar, Ryan Atwood found himself meeting Taylor at a much fancier French restaurant for lunch. Her trip to Newport with Fleur had to be cancelled because Veronica Townsend was sick with the flu and hadn't wanted any visitors. Fleur herself than had started to feel unwell and had decided to cut her stay a bit short. All this Taylor had imparted to Ryan over the phone; she had than requested his company for a lunch date.

"Ryan." Taylor waved at him from the bar. It had taken a little prodding from Summer but he had not stood Taylor up. A part of him still very much wanted to make things works with her but there was still that same strong fear at the prospect of being hurt by her as well as anger at her thoughtless and drunken behavior.

"Hey." She looked very pretty that Saturday afternoon; she wore a snug blue skirt that gave ample space for her to show off her long, pretty legs; her hair was pulled up over her ears, showing off her very kissable neck and as he sat down next to her, he could smell her sweet and expensive perfume that she had purchased in Nice that he liked so much.

"How have you been?" Though she looked very pretty, her hazel eyes lacked the impish, lustful excitement that he had seen the past few months. No, her eyes and face were sad and slightly humble.

"Not too bad—working, hanging out with Trey."

"How are things with him?"

"Not bad." The bartender came by and Ryan asked for water. "He seems to be getting on pretty well." Ryan tried to manage to see his brother and mother once or twice every few weeks; they kept hectic schedules keeping the soup kitchen and shelter open. "We don't really have a lot to talk about."

"No—I can see that." Taylor took a sip from her martini and looked at Ryan. "I owe you a very large apology. I was horrible that day and I hope that you can forgive me." She reached out and took his hand in hers. Ryan let it linger there for a moment and then pulled away.

"Have you changed though? I still see it hasn't stopped your drinking."

"No—but I promise I'm not like that Ryan—I guess it was seeing Fleur again, she can bring out the worst in me."

"I'd never seen you like that before Taylor—I didn't even know that you were capable of being like that."

"I didn't either." She finished her drink and looked over at the bartender and singled for another. Turning to Ryan she smiled at him and sighed deeply. "I've missed you so much these past weeks."

"I've missed you." As he said the words he realized that they were true; he did miss her and still loved her, despite her problems and imperfections. Sitting there, looking at her, he realized, again, that no matter how hard he might try, he could not completely shake his heart of her. It had been true with Marissa as well. "We have to go slow though."

"I know—and no more lies." Taylor thanked the bartender and watched Ryan as she tasted her martini. "I don't want to give up Ryan."

"I don't either, not yet."

"Fleur shouldn't have told you all that—I should have."

"I wasn't sure how much I wanted to know." He watched as she impulsively grabbed at her purse and pulled out a packet of cigarettes. They were unlike the one's Fleur had been smoking; the package was soft and long and pink and the cigarette she pulled out was thin and long.

"I always go to get one out and then I remember that you can't smoke anymore at bars." She gingerly put the cigarette back and replaced the pack in her purse. "Fleur turned me on to them. I had ran out and Fleur was sweet enough to bring me some from France; they're impossible to find here."

"She turned you onto a lot of things." Taylor shrugged her shoulders. "What happened Taylor—what made you change so much?"

"What do you want me to say Ryan? I matured, I grew older."

"Fleur told me something about us right before you came home—that you took the breakup harder than you let on—what did she mean?" Taylor seemed to hesitate for a moment but then seemed to give into Ryan's deep and eager eyes.

"You hurt me."

"I hurt you? How? I thought we both"

"Wanted to end the long distance thing? Yeah it was tough on me Ryan but I would have kept at it. You obviously weren't happy being so far apart and I didn't want to drag out the inevitable and have you resent me for it. I was hurt when you said you couldn't do it anymore, that it wasn't working for you." She drank her drink and sat in silence for a moment. "When I went back to Paris after the earthquake, when we thought we'd never work in Berkeley, things just clicked for me. I was making friends and creating a life for myself that I never had the chance to do in America. I didn't feel weird or like I was out of place; I was making friends and finding a niche for myself and it felt great, I felt so good about myself. Then we got back together and I thought the puzzle was totally complete." Taylor reached out and took Ryan's hand. "I loved you and you loved me and everything was going to be perfect. France was great; I had friends and people were seeking me out, were inviting me out to parties and day trips to the country. I met Henri-Michal at a small art show and he was so sweet and kind; he asked about you and seemed generally happy for us." Ryan listened intently and watched as Taylor slipped further and further into the past, into a world that existed as only dreams and fantasies for Ryan.

"He was the one that introduced me to Fleur. That autumn I did everything with Fleur and wanted desperately to share it with you. There were guys that liked me but I was faithful to you Ryan, believe that." Her voice slipped into bitterness but it passed quickly. "We met so many people that autumn; some were fascinating and some were so dull. It helped that I had been married to Henri because everyone was very excited about meeting the inspiration for _A Season for Peaches_; I was a celebrity that season and Fleur could get us invited into anything we wanted. Society practically worshipped her so it was very easy to get whatever we wanted."

"Then we broke up."

"Yes—we broke up and the last line of communication to my past was severed. Seth never really kept in touch; he was only really a friend because of you and Summer and she was so busy with the campaign trail that we hardly spoke that year. When we broke up I had nothing to bind me to who I once was. That spring Fleur urged me to enjoy myself, to really throw myself into things; it was easy with her though, she was so wild and carefree it was easy to follow her lead and get lost in it all. Of course I knew other people; some of my friends at the Sorbonne she didn't approve of. She didn't like Morel because he was a 'charity student', as she called it. I didn't care if he was rich or not; I was never a snob like her. I admired his work and he introduced me to his friends; I spent my Sundays with them because Fleur's people are so pious, they go to Mass on Sunday and expect Fleur to go with them."

"What did Henri think of Morel?"

"He liked them all—he thought Morel was terribly gifted; that's another reason Fleur never really liked Henri, she thought he was degrading himself by being with us. Henri had fallen in love with me again at the time so I suppose he thought I'd be grateful that he showed interest in my friends; I never gave him the time of day though so he decided to fall in love with Fleur. That's what his problem was; he was always falling in love just so he could be in love. It didn't matter what the girl thought though. It was Morel who convinced me to go to Brussels with them; my mother wanted me back in Newport and I would have gone except that Summer was going to be on the road all summer and I didn't want to stew in Newport. You'd had a girlfriend by then so I knew I wasn't going to see you much."

"You might have."

"No—I didn't want to see you, you see? I figured you were in love with someone else. It made me realize that I hadn't really grown up at all; I had all these friends and a wonderful life but still the fact that you being with someone else was enough to hurt me showed me that I wasn't as strong as I thought. I didn't want to be the one of those girls who can't move on with their lives and get over their exes."

"That's when you started seeing all those men, in Brussels?"

"Yes—I had slept with Henri in the spring but I stopped when he told me he loved me; it was too much for me. I wanted to get away from love; the one man who had loved me had hurt me so I didn't want to bother with it—not for a while at least. Like I said, we drank that summer away and by the end of it, I finally began to see I was becoming a different person. We can't stay static Ryan; I wasn't going to return to Newport the same vulnerable and neurotic girl who left for France."

"I loved her."

"And you can't love me?"

"I can—I just need the truth. Why didn't you tell me about this before we really started seeing each other—for health reasons at least."

"I was always safe Ryan and I promise I got tested before we started sleeping with each other." Taylor absently twirled the remaining liquor in her glass. "When I was in high school I always called the promiscuous girls sluts and whores behind their backs; I imagine Summer did too. I remember how the guys looked at them and talked about them. They wanted to fuck them of course but they never wanted them as girlfriends, too slutty they'd say. It's an amazing thing, the sexual double standard. A guy can do what he likes but if a girl sleeps with more than six people in her lifetime, everyone, men and women, think she's a dirty tart."

"I wouldn't judge you like that Taylor. I didn't when you got divorced."

"No—but I had only slept with just him." She shrugged her shoulders, as if weary of the topic. "How was I to know how you'd take the information that your formally sweet and relatively innocent ex-girlfriend had slept with almost thirteen men? I really wanted things to work with us Ryan and I thought maybe you'd think I was too dirty for you now. I remembered how the guys in school were and what they'd say."

"You have to have more faith in me Taylor."

"I know." Her hands were in his again. "What do you say? We take things slow and try and make it really work?"

"Taylor." He looked into her hazel eyes, so full of affection and remorse for the pain she had caused him. "Yeah—I want to be with you."

"Just me—we're in this together one-hundred per cent."

"Yes—one hundred per cent."


	16. Chapter 16

"So what's going on with Sadie?" Ryan was at dinner with Sandy and Kirsten and he did not escape noticing that Sandy had asked about Sadie before asking about Taylor Townsend, his girlfriend.

"Not much—she's away for the weekend."

"That's a shame—you should bring her over sometime."

"I'll do my best." It was three days before the start of school and Ryan was over for a delicious state meal. Taylor had been invited but she had flown down a few days earlier to Newport for a few days to see her mother; Ryan could tell that Sandy at least was not very upset about her absence.

"How's she liking her job?"

"It's been busy—a lot of people have been buying her jewelry lately so she's had a lot of orders to fill." She had moved to San Francisco because her jewelry work had impressed a shop owner in town; he had offered her a stake in the store and a regular job as an assistant manager. Sadie of course loved the work and had shown off her work to Ryan. She had been so proud that day that Ryan had been genuinely touched by her enthusiasm and her desire to share that part of her life with him.

"Then it's good that she got away for the weekend." Sandy flipped the steak over and seemed satisfied with the progress of the meal. They sat in silence for a few minute while Kirsten was busy in the kitchen making a salad and cutting up bread. This all seemed so familiar to Ryan. Had many months ago had it been when Sandy had been glad to hear of Taylor's arrival in America? His time with April seemed so long ago, but yet it was so close.

"It's too bad Taylor is away this weekend too." Kirsten put down the salad on the patio table and smiled at Ryan. She was at least trying to support Ryan's relationship with Taylor.

"Yeah too bad." There was a thinly veiled sarcasm there that Ryan couldn't but help not notice. Sandy's reasons for being angry and hurt at Taylor's past behavior were certainly legitimate; Ryan just wished that he would try a little harder in believing that Ryan and Taylor were happy and could make it work. "Steak shouldn't be too long now."

"Do you boys want some beer with dinner?"

"Sure." Kirsten escaped again to the kitchen and out on the patio there were only the sounds of fly's buzzing and the sizzling of the steak.

"So things are going well with you and Taylor?"

"Yeah not too badly—she's pretty excited about school."

"That's good." They fell into a silence that had become increasingly awkward whenever Taylor was mentioned. On the few occasions Taylor had come over to the Cohen house, her reception had been mild at best. "What's new with Trey and Dawn? You haven't told me much about them lately."

"It's pretty much the same story always. They all spend most of their time at the soup kitchen and shelter. Trey seems to get out some; he's been addicted to _Starbucks_ lately so whenever we go out to do something it usually involves coffee."

"Well I'm glad that they're getting on so well. Has his wife improved any?"

"No she's pretty much the same—quite."

"In the end I always pegged you for falling for the quiet type."

"Well Emily was pretty quiet." Kirsten handed Sandy and Ryan their drinks and then went over to Sandy's side and watched him cook with an affection smile on her face. "She was nice."

"I heard she was dating someone—a law student at Stanford."

"Oh who did you hear that from? Did you run into April?"

"No—when I was at _Starbucks_ with Trey I ran into a girl whose friends with her." Ryan opened his beer and began to drink in silence. How many women has he been with? There were so many in Chino and then in Newport there was Marissa, and Lindsay and Sadie and Taylor. True he had not slept with them all, but had slept with many of them; Ryan had never felt badly about himself, and his male friends had always been impressed with his abilities. Ryan thought again of Taylor's words. They were certainly true; men could do what they wanted but if a woman showed any sexual appetite she was labeled a slut.

"Dinner looks just about ready." Kirsten went to grab the bread and as Sandy sat down, he smiled in appreciation of his grilling job.

"Cohen's aren't good at a lot of things, but they are good on the grill."

"It's a family superpower." Kirsten smiled, very happy to have one of her sons with them. "I know it probably makes me a bad mother, but its nice having a quiet dinner for once." Little Sophie Cohen was at a friend's birthday party and was going to spend the night with her girl friends.

"Cheers to that." They all raised their glasses and touched them together. Sandy looked at Ryan while he took a sip; a light went on in his eyes, as if he had just remembered to ask Ryan something he had been thinking about for a long time. "What does Taylor think of you hanging out with Sadie?"

"She's pretty okay with it—she doesn't have anything to be jealous about so she's fine." He had run into Sadie almost a month ago and had only hung out about three times, but Ryan was very happy for the friendship. There had been an awkward moment in the beginning, when Ryan had told Sadie about Taylor; a little spark had gone out of her eyes, but she had played it off well. It was obvious to Ryan that Sadie had been, or maybe still was, interested in more than just a friendship.

"Well Taylor's a mature young woman—I'm sure she had boyfriends in Paris who had a lot of female friends." Yes, Ryan thought to himself, she certainly did at that.

"She still comfortable at her place? I thought the apartment was very nice."

"Yeah she likes it pretty well; sometimes the upstairs neighbors can be loud but it really hasn't been that much of a problem."

"Well that's nice." Kirsten smiled back at Ryan while Sandy ate in silence. He had not been at all happy when he had heard about the fight Ryan and Taylor had and when he had heard the two had made up, he had been very closed mouthed about the relationship. It was strange for Ryan to see Sandy being like that; usually he was very local and supportive of Ryan's love affairs. He had certainly been a fan of Taylor's in the past.

"Taylor thinks so too." They ate in silence and Ryan felt a tension in the air now that she had become the subject of conversation. They were all mature adults; surely they could air this type of information out in the open, couldn't they? "Are you okay Sandy?"

"Sorry?"

"You don't seem to have any interest in what's going on with Taylor. I mean. I know she's not your favorite person right now."

"Honestly, no she's not. Not in the least."

"Sandy." Kirsten's voice was full of apprehension and warning.

"No it's okay—I want to know."

"She's treated you badly Ryan—very poorly; and I'm sorry, you're my son and I have to look out for you."

"I get that—but she's trying to make it work—she's sorry about the way she treated you."

"I don't doubt that she is—but it still doesn't change the fact that she was awful to you kid. I know Taylor can be a sweet girl, but so could Marissa. There were times when I didn't want you to see her because she dragged you into a lot of bad things."

"It's not the same with Taylor—she's not going to land me in jail."

"No but she'll break your heart again and again if you let her."

"Sandy—I think you've proved your point."

"And you think I should be with Sadie? You haven't been very subtle about that."

"Maybe so—I always thought she was a very sweet girl; she made you happy and she seems to be a genuine person."

"While Taylor is so fake?"

"She brought back some bad habits from France."

"I know." Sandy looked so sad to be telling Ryan these things; he must know that he was hurting Ryan but that didn't stop him from speaking his mind. "Should I not bring her around?"

"No—you know Taylor is always welcome here." Kirsten looked pointedly at Sandy. "Isn't that right?"

"She's welcome whenever you want to have her over." The offer didn't matter much; she wouldn't be coming over, not any time soon at least.

"Thanks." They all went back to their food and ate in small nibbles. Did Ryan resent Sandy? No, he couldn't, wouldn't. He had his reasons for not liking Taylor very much at this point, and Ryan had his reasons for believing in his girlfriend. As Ryan looked up at Sandy and Kirsten, he knew that no girlfriend or wife could ever form a wedge between their relationship.

"We good?"

"We're good." They smiled at one another and Sandy put his arm on Ryan's shoulder.


	17. Chapter 17

"So this is nice." Taylor cooed and pushed her body closer to Ryan's. It was a gorgeous September day and the two lovers sat on a bench in the Berkeley campus; they sat in the mild autumn sun, a sun that promised the oncoming decay of light and heat and life. Ryan held Taylor and her soft, warm skin felt good against his. He absently stroked her long auburn locks and kissed her head in silence. "Don't you think this is wonderful?"

"Yes." He put his arm around her shoulder and breathed a small sigh. The summer had ended and with it all the summer's madness; it was time for the softness of autumn and within his heart Ryan felt the same softness, the same stillness. His love too for Taylor had changed with the seasons; the hotness of the summer had been replaced by a serene love that wished to give comfort and protection. "How much longer do we have?"

"All the time in the world." She reached into her purse and pulled out her cell phone. "I don't have class for another forty-five minutes." Ryan was done for the day but Taylor had to be in class at four.

"You want to go grab some coffee or something?"

"No—I think this is perfect." Yes, things had been going very well for Ryan and Taylor these last few weeks. She had been so happy to see him when she had returned to Newport; she had kissed him so passionately and had begged him to make lover to her that afternoon; he hadn't needed to be asked twice. No, Sandy was wrong in not having faith in Taylor. She was making him happy and wanted to make the relationship work.

"What are we going to do this weekend?"

"Well Anthony is throwing that party Saturday night for the USC game." The Bears were playing for an early lead in the Pac-10 and Anthony had invited all the philosophy graduate and doctoral students to partake in the excitement. In fact, the entire Berkeley campus was buzzing at their Bears' early season success.

"That might be fun." Ryan didn't really care for Anthony; he seemed a little too interested in Taylor. "Is that all that's going on?"

"I'm sure there are other things—what is Sadie up to?" Taylor could never refrain from talking about Sadie with a hint of mockery. If there was anything that Ryan wasn't happy about, it was Taylor's seeming need to belittle Sadie Campbell.

"Out with friends."

"She didn't invite you along?" For a moment Taylor's hazel eyes were bright with a cold maliciousness.

"I told her I had plans—with you." Taylor softened at that and kissed him, seemingly all negativity forgotten.

"Well you're very sweet—we don't have to go to the party though if you don't want to—I see those people almost every day."

"We could stay in—cook some dinner and have a nice romantic evening in." Taylor smiled brightly at the suggestion.

"Are you thinking you might get lucky that way?"

"Maybe I am." He pulled her close and kissed her until he felt a shiver of desire pass through her body.

"Well something tells me you won't have to work too hard." Taylor played with her hair and bit her lip. "Have I ever told you I love it when you cook for me?"

"No—and what makes you think I'm going to cook for you?" She grinned wildly at him and whispered in his ear that she'd make it his worthwhile.

"I was bored last night so I stopped off at _Victoria's Secret_ and bought something nice for you—thought you're due for a surprise." Despite the cool fall air blowing through the campus Ryan suddenly felt very hot; his blood was on fire and he could see the same heat burning in Taylor's hazel colored stars. He felt the familiar madness sweep over him whenever he thought of her soft and submissive body clinging excitedly and desperately to his. Her living, breathing corpse, as it snuggled against his, flowed with volcanic fire and electricity that made his heart beat faster and faster. The thought of her and how she allowed him to take her made Ryan squeeze Taylor roughing against his aching body.

"I don't know if I can wait that long."

"I don't want just a quickie."

"Blow off class?"

"No." Taylor purred; "I promise that you can have me tonight if you can't wait until Saturday."

"I can't."

"Good—neither can I." She kissed him with such a hunger it was like she was thirsting to suck out all of his love and passion; she kissed greedily and moaned in disappointment when he pulled away.

"We just got some dirty looks." Two professors had passed by them and Ryan had caught their withering stares. "Maybe we shouldn't be making out here."

"Who cares—we aren't being that indecent." She played with her hair. "I think my panties are ruined though."

"Well." Ryan didn't know exactly what to say to that; he just laughed and shook his head. What a remarkable woman, Ryan thought to himself as he watched Taylor take out a small vanity mirror from her purse.

"I look a little bit ruffled but nothing too awful." She patted down some stray locks of hair and laughed at Ryan. "You almost had me considered not going to class today—I was starting form a plan and then you ended it all."

"Well I don't want to steer you wrong."

"No—you wouldn't want to do that." She looked at him affectionately. "I love you."

"I love you too." They looked at each other in wordless ecstasy; Taylor was about to speak again when Ryan heard someone calling out her name.

"Hey Taylor." A young Spanish man, no older than Ryan or Taylor, came walking up to them. He was a good-looking young man, in excellent shape; he reminded Ryan of a soccer player.

"Hey Carlos—going to class?"

"Yeah just got some reading done." His smile slipped a little as he turned to Ryan. "Hey I'm Carlos."

"Sorry Carlos—this is my boyfriend Ryan." Taylor smiled up at her Spanish friend with a startling affection.

"Hey man what's up?"

"Not too much." Carlos turned his attention to Taylor, who seemed to be at rapt attention. They started talking about their philosophy class and very quickly Ryan felt himself lost in a sea of names and ideas he had never heard of. No, his mind was not really concentrating on their words; Ryan was instead looking at the way Taylor seemed to regard Carlos. Her face was plastered with a very agreeable and friendly smile and her hazel orbs, those portals to her mysterious soul, glowed with a fire that was more than just mere friendship. They shown with brilliance he rarely saw except when she was with him, in the building, burning, dance of desire they routinely did. In a word, he could tell that she was beginning to lust for Carlos. "Well I have to run—have to talk to Professor Andrews."

"Bye." Carlos went off without saying good-bye to Ryan; Taylor did not seem to notice and said nothing to Ryan for a moment; on her face was a residue of lust that slowly dissipated in Carlos' wake.

"He's a nice guy."

"Sure." Taylor turned to him, her eyes bright with fire. She impulsively kissed him; her lips were warm with desire, his were not.

"We have some time before class." She leaned into him and rested her body against his. He said nothing, he just held her, his thoughts elsewhere. "Don't you think it's wonderful when life is like this?"


	18. Chapter 18

As Ryan waited for Sadie, he could not stop thinking about Taylor; they had such a good evening, the night before, and the memories of her words and her soft touches made him smile. His jealousy from the previous week, when he had seen Taylor's interaction with Carlos, had been smoothed away. Taylor had picked up on it of course; she was always noticing and correctly interpreting his emotions.

"Don't be jealous Ryan—I think it's sweet of you but you have nothing to be jealous about." She had teased him and coaxed the jealousy out of him. No, she was just friendly and if she flirted just a little, it was fine because Taylor was high-spirited; didn't Ryan do a fair bit of flirting with Sadie himself?

"Hey Ryan." It was Sadie herself, appearing almost as if out of a dream. She wore a pair of tight blue jeans and a tight black t-shirt that highlighted her full bosom.

"Oh hey—I didn't see you come in at all." They had decided to meet on this fine Sunday afternoon at the same bar they had run into each other over a month earlier. "How's it going?"

"Not too bad." She took a seat next to Ryan and smiled brightly at him; yes, she was certainly lovely. If Ryan weren't with Taylor, he thought to himself, she'd make a pretty splendid girlfriend. Sadie and Taylor had only an affection for alcohol really in common. Sadie had never gone to college, had no real taste for literature and philosophy and dressed not at all fashionably. "I hope that you're not too many ahead of me." She pointed to Ryan's nearly finished glass of beer.

"No—just this one."

"Sorry if I kept you long." Ryan shrugged his shoulders; she hadn't at all. "My mom called me right as I was going to walk out the door; she loves to talk my ear off."

"Yeah Sandy shares a similar trait."

"How are they doing?"

"Pretty good." As Ryan looked into Sadie's dark, glowing eyes, lit with affection, he thought of Sandy's seeming desire for them to be together and his wish for Sadie to come over to dinner. "They want you to come over for dinner sometime."

"I'd love that." She smiled brightly and then turned to the bartender to order a beer. "Tell them I'm in."

"I will." They lapsed into silence for a moment that was not at all uncomfortable. Even though it was a Sunday, there was no football on the television screen because the Giants were playing for the pennant and the two watched as the Giants' left fielder got onto second with a double.

"We needed that hit."

"We should go to a game sometime."

"We could try and score World Series tickets if they get that far."

"The Tigers would kill them though." Ryan always enjoyed his time with Sadie; there were some things, like sports and video games, which he could take to her about. Taylor had no interest in these things and sometimes Ryan wished just a little that her mind would step down from the philosophical heights it stood on.

"So after we have some drinks what do you say to a movie?"

"I don't know—is there anything really worth seeing?"

"I'm sure we could find something." Ryan motioned for the bartender and asked for another beer and the day's newspaper. "As long as it isn't too much of a chick flick."

"You've had enough of those nights with Taylor?"

"No—movie night with Taylor usually involves some obscure foreign film that I can't make any sense of but she thinks is brilliant."

"I see." Sadie paused to smile thanks at the bartender. He seemed attracted to her, Ryan noted, but she either did not notice or was not interested. Ryan didn't understand why she didn't have someone, she was very sweet and attractive so it didn't make much sense to Ryan why she never talked about other men. "How are you guys?" Her voice interrupted his thoughts. "Still doing okay?"

"Yeah we're pretty good." He noticed a subtle, a very subtle, passing look of disappointment flutter over Sadie. She knew all about their history and she had expressed her disapproval over Taylor's behavior only once. Otherwise, Sadie showed a bland and polite interest in Ryan's relationship with Taylor. It was like she just wanted him to talk about himself and all the other important things in his life.

"That's good." Her voice betrayed a lack of enthusiasm but she quickly brightened at the sight of two Giant runners scoring on the television. "World Series here we come."

"I think Sandy has some connections—he could get us tickets."

"Taylor wouldn't mind if we went?"

"No—she'd be thrilled that she wouldn't be dragged to the game." Sadie smiled blandly at that and finished her beer. She asked the bartender for another one and seemed to deliberate whether to ask a question lying on her tongue.

"So what do you guys talk about?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean what do you guys talk about—say you were out to dinner or at a bar—what would you guys talk about?"

"I don't know." Ryan paused, not sure how to answer such a direct and seemingly odd question. "Everything really—school, friends, movies, books."

"But do you share the same interest in books and movies? Can you talk to her about sports?"

"Well no—we don't really have the same interest in books or movies but we talk about them—sometimes Taylor does most of the talking but we have things in common." Sadie seemed very intense when listening to his answers; her eyes were focused straight on his and her pursed lips seemed to suck in his words, and with them, his essence.

"As long as you're happy." Sadie drank her beer and quickly glanced up at the baseball game. The Giants were still losing to the Phillies 7-4 and the game had passed into the eight inning.

"I am—and what are you trying to say?"

"Nothing—it's just I don't want you to get hurt."

"And you think that Taylor's going to hurt me?"

"I'm just saying that it doesn't seem to me that you guys have a lot in common—I don't know; you tell me things about her and I can't help not liking her. She seems to treat you badly sometimes"

"And you'd treat me so much better?" He didn't know why he said it; his mind had always told him that Sadie, subconsciously or not, was trying to steal him away for herself. His mouth had spoken the words long before his mind had told him not to.

"Ryan." Sadie pulled away, almost as he had struck her. There was a flash of pain and frustration cross over her face; as they looked at each other wordlessly, Ryan could see the wheels turning in her head. She was weighing her words carefully now.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be—what you said was true; I would treat you better Ryan—it was true last time, wasn't it?"

"Except you left me."

"I know—that was a mistake—I guess I shouldn't always try to do the right thing."

"Getting me to leave Taylor isn't the right thing either."

"Not in the cosmic sense no; but it would be the right thing for me." She grabbed her purse from behind her bar stool and stood up. "I know I'm probably putting a damper on our friendship, but I want to be honest with you Ryan. Ever since we ran back into each other I haven't been able to stop thinking about you—I like you and want to be with you."

"I'm with Taylor—I love her."

"I know." She looked at him and in her eyes Ryan could see her hopes being swept aside violently. No doubt she had expected it, but Sadie still regarded him in silent sadness. She opened her mouth to say something but then shook her head and walked away.


	19. Chapter 19

It was two weeks since Sadie had confessed her feelings for Ryan; they had spoken only once and it had been awkward for him. They had both agreed that it might be better to give each other some space; Sadie would need that to both get over Ryan and recover the humiliation of not having her affections returned.

As it was now, Ryan was a little bit hung over as he approached Taylor's apartment. He hoped that she wasn't completely feeling wild because he wasn't sure if he had the energy to be clawed and mauled. He smiled in lustful remembrance at Taylor's text-message, asking him to come over to her place first thing in the morning. The last time she had done that she had answered the door in only a thin robe and had mauled him as soon as he had passed through her doorway.

Ryan Atwood knocked at her door and he could hear the patter of footsteps on the other side. Taylor opened it but when she stood there, in her silk pajamas, Ryan could sense that something was wrong. Her hazel eyes were dull and her face expressed sadness and worry.

"What wrong?" Taylor only smiled weakly and let him in wordlessly. "Is everything okay with your mom?"

"She's fine." Ryan could see a bit of the old Taylor coming out of his girlfriend as she played with her hair nervously. She paced back and forth the room quickly for a moment. "I have to talk to you!"

"What is it?" The first thing that flashed in his mind was that Taylor was pregnant.

"It's." She stopped and for a moment seemed to be on the verge of tears. "I'm sorry Ryan." Like lightening, she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly. "I tried to be good."

"What did you do?" He felt cold and dizzy suddenly and he unconsciously pushed Taylor away from him. "What happened?"

"Last night I"

"You did what?"

"I was with Carlos a" The coldness had been replaced by a burning fire in his head and stomach. He didn't know if he wanted to storm away or stay and fight.

"Are you kidding me? Are you seriously telling me that you slept with Carlos?"

"Yes—I fucked up Ryan but I've been trying so hard."

"You keep saying that—what were you trying?"

"To be a good girlfriend—to be just with you; I can't Ryan, I just can't, not yet."

"I thought you loved me."

"I do." Ryan could not help but laugh at that. "I do love you Ryan—I've never loved anyone but you."

"That didn't stop you from fucking Carlos—or was that just an accident, you got drunk and couldn't help yourself."

"You have a right to be angry."

"You bet I do." She stood there, humble and sad, taking it all. In Taylor's eyes, Ryan could tell she had no excuse to offer.

"I'm sorry Ryan—I just couldn't stand being in a relationship—I felt like I was suffocating." She rang her hands in nervous misery. "I just feel this heat inside of me and it's burning, burning and nothing can put it out—not yet."

"So I wasn't enough for you—God Taylor, do you want to collect all the hearts in Berkeley?"

"It wasn't you Ryan—you were wonderful to me and you deserve to be happy." She sighed deeply, her energy gone. "I do love you and it scares me how much I love you—sometimes I think I could marry you."

"I love you too…" Her words were confusing him; if she could see herself marrying him, why was being with him so tough. "If you love me so much, why don't you want to be with me?"

"Because if we keep getting serious then we'll want to settle down, and I'm not ready for that—I'm not ready to be married or engaged and I feel like that's going to come sooner than we think. I don't want to be married and thinking I had missed out on it all."

"I thought Paris was for that."

"I thought so too." She shook her head in silence. "Believe me Ryan; I wanted to make it work but when school started I met all these people and we weren't enough for me; I want you but I want more."

"I can't give you any more."

"But you love me Ryan—please, don't let it end like this. Forgive me and be with me."

"And what? You'll stop seeing Carlos—I don't know if I can trust you."

"Let's see other people and each other."

"What?" Taylor took a step closer to him.

"Why can't we love each other and see other people—if you can count on anything Ryan it's my love for you."

"You can't be serious." His tone and his words stopped her in her tracks.

"Why not Ryan—we're still young; it's only for a short while Ryan, until I'm over this madness."

"I'm not going to share you—and I can't believe you 'd want to share me." He looked at her and a flicker of disgust at her behavior and suggestion passed over him. "I didn't think you'd ever do something like this."

"I know—I did tell you I'd be bad to you though."

"Yes—you did." Somehow he had thought they were long past that. They stood and faced each other in silence.

"I guess that's a no then." She laughed bitterly to herself. "A part of me believed you'd say yes."

"You don't know me very well then."

"No maybe not—and you didn't know me very well either—or if you did you didn't like me very much.

"That's not true—I love you."

"You were in love with a shadow—with the past." She sat silently on a chair and looked up at him. "I've treated you badly but I never stopped loving you." He thought about her words; yes, looking into those hazel eyes, bright with collecting tears, he found himself tempted to give in, to accept her proposal. It would be easy; lift her from the chair and take her to the bedroom. Their aggressions and anger and anguish would be played out on Taylor's bed, and in the exhaustion her kisses and lingering fingers would make him submit to her ideas. Could he cool the fire, the madness that burnt through her blood? Could he share her and watch her make love to other men with her eyes and her smiles? No doubt the pain caused by her wandering heart would be eased by her eager and burning flesh. In his mind Ryan could also imagine having Sadie; she had wanted him and now Taylor was giving him approval to take whomever he wanted. "What are you thinking?" She saw his hesitation now.

"I'm thinking." As he looked at her, she smiled sweetly, trying to seduce him, encourage him. No, this was not right. His memories fell back into the past, towards Newport. He remembered a Taylor who had been sweet and vulnerable and who had wanted to spend all her time with Ryan; then he had been the world to her. She had changed, and Ryan realized fully then that he would never get back the woman he had loved. He was in love with a shadow and he loved more the memory of her then what she was or maybe could ever be. "Taylor; I can't."

"Oh." It seemed that his words had replaced her dreams and hopes with a bewildering void.

"I should go."

"Good-bye." She whispered the words so softly that Ryan could barely hear them.


	20. Chapter 20

The bottle of tequila in front of Ryan was starting to lose its attractiveness. He had drunk half the bottle in the past three hours and now he was starting to regret his decision to ease the pain of his breakup with alcohol.

The day before had been terrible; after leaving Taylor's Ryan had slunk back to his apartment and had sat in a dark, silent misery. It was almost an hour later when Seth had called Ryan to find out what the hell had happened; it hadn't taken Taylor long in calling Summer to cry her eyes out—apparently they had gotten into a fight too over the phone because Summer had been so pissed at Taylor. Seth had tried to talk Ryan out of his blues, and when that had failed, Seth had immediately broken his promise not to tell Sandy and Kirsten and had called them about Ryan's depression. Before long they had invited him over for dinner and to stay the night.

Now, however, Ryan was back at home. He had purchased a bottle of _Jose Cuervo_ on the way back to his apartment and as he had stripped his apartment of all things Taylor, he had fallen into a slightly intoxicated state. The tequila was working its magic now; Ryan had lost his drive to stir from his seat and had instead begun thinking of Taylor.

It was supposed to be like this, he figured. They had tried—correction, he had tried—but it was not to be; they both had wanted different things and now Ryan was the one sad and depressed. Taylor, according to Seth, felt fairly awful about it all but wasn't so broken hearted as not to go out last night with some of her friends. Summer of course was still outraged by her best friends behavior and Seth suspected the breach would last a while.

"Tell her I'm fine—she doesn't need to do that for me." Seth had relayed the message to Summer, who seemed to be crushed about Taylor's actions and their own fight.

"I don't know what to do Ryan—you're my friend and she's my best friend but she's totally in the wrong." He had appreciated her concerns and her worries but Ryan had assured her that Summer should be there for Taylor, and would not think the worse of the girl for being there for her best friend. "I'll try to talk some sense into her—I just don't get her."

Taylor had called Ryan of course; she had called his cell phone to apologize again for making things so awful but Ryan hadn't answered, nor had he called back. He had no real desire to see or speak to Taylor for a long time and he didn't want to hear her excuses. No, that was all over; his heart hurt, but she had treated him too unkindly for him to be utterly devastated.

He looked at the time; it was four o 'clock and Sadie was officially ten minutes late. Ryan had called her, while he had been making his way through the first quarter of the tequila. He didn't know why he had called her; they hadn't really spoken in two weeks and he had felt awkward at the prospect of seeing her after her ill-fated declaration of feelings but as he had been playing with his cell phone he had seen her listing; the alcohol in his blood made him sentimental and did the rest. Now he was waiting for her and hoping for a soul to share his sadness with. There were others he could have turned to; but her name was one of the first ones he had noticed on his phone and the memories of her goodness and sweetness had made him dial her number.

There was a knock at his door; surely it was she. Rising to his feet, a mild, dull drunkenness swimming in his head and stomach, Ryan made his way to the door.

"Hey Ryan." She smiled at him with a mixture of wariness and affection. "I'm sorry." She hugged him tightly and the soft fragrance of her delicate perfume momentarily took him out of himself; she had worn the same perfume four years ago. "How are you?" She noticed the tequila and picked up the bottle. "I like a man who drinks to his sorrows."

"You want some?"

"Sure." She watched him as he went to the kitchen and pulled out another shot glass. "This is a nice place—very Spartan."

"I like to keep it simple."

"The pool house was the same way—I like it." Sadie thanked him as he passed her the shot glass. Taking the bottle from the table Sadie poured herself a full shot and took it without flinching. "I have to catch up fast."

"Yeah." Ryan flopped down on the couch next to her and looked at her, almost as if noticing her for the first time anew. Her dark brown eyes sparkled from the heat of the alcohol and from her own inner fires; she again was dressed simply, tight blue jeans and a tight blue Dodgers t-shirt that accented her small, perky breasts. Ryan found her very beautiful at that moment and the tequila in his brain made him feel weak for his sudden lust for her.

"So I guess its over you guys?"

"That's what it seems like."

"Have you spoken to her since the fight?"

"No—she called but I don't really want to talk to her—I think we said everything that needed to be said to each other."

"Sometimes it's best to give each other space—you don't want to just get back together because you don't want to be alone."

"Is that what happened to you?"

"Yeah—I stayed with a guy for all the wrong reasons—I didn't think I'd find happiness again."

"But you did."

"I did—it was really a blessing in disguise because otherwise I'd never would have ended up here—I wouldn't be here with you." She took another shot of tequila and watched as Ryan did one himself. Sadie's eyes radiated lust, but there was something else in her dark eyes that Ryan found more appealing: affection and just the early whispers of love.

"Thank you for coming over."

"Thank you for calling me—I'm sorry if I embarrassed you that other time."

"It's fine—that's the past."

"Yes—certainly." Ryan poured out two more shots; they went down fast and Ryan, who could usually hold his alcohol, realized that he had not eaten since ten this morning. His head felt fuzzy and the heat in the apartment was starting to overwhelm him. Ryan stood up and threw open the window in the kitchen and in the living room. "That feels better."

"I met someone." Her words completely took him off guard; he turned around and looked at her; her own eyes were heavy with meaning and anticipation. "We went out on a date or two."

"Are you still seeing him?"

"No—it didn't work out."

"I'm sorry—what happened?" He began to walk back towards her; Sadie's eyes never left Ryan.

"I didn't care for him—I couldn't stop thinking about someone else, about you." There it was; the words he had felt to be on the tip of her tongue the past two weeks. Had he called her just to wring this confession out of her, to take advantage of her desire and wants just to ease his own pain? A part of him, a greater part of him, was revolted by this, but another part of him knew it was a possibility.

"Sadie."

"Please just be honest with me Ryan." She stood up. "I know you're hurting and probably a relationship is the furthest thing from your mind but do you think we could have something? I don't care how small it has to start off, but tell me, is there any place in your heart for me?"

"There's always been a place in my heart for you." He spoke honestly about that; Sadie had always been very sweet to him and he had regarded her, even when he hardly ever thought of her, as a young woman who had been an extraordinary girlfriend.

"I don't want much Ryan." She was walking towards him now, a mixture of boldness and apprehension on her pretty face. "I just know I want to be with you—even if we take things really slow—I don't care—I just want to be with you." She gingerly reached out and took his hands. There was such an honest hope, such real kindness and affection in her eyes that Ryan could do nothing but squeeze her hands.

"I'm not sure how much I'm ready for—I don't even know if I'm over Taylor."

"No—I understand that—but I want to be there for you Ryan—I want to make you happy again." She moved her body closer to his and again her perfume brought back memories of their earlier courtship. Sadie had helped Ryan mend his heart bruised by Marissa; no doubt she could do it again.

"You can make me happy."

"I did in the past—remember?" Her words were barely audible as her lips brushed against his neck and ears. "Kiss me."

"I" He didn't finish his sentence because her lips were on his; she tasted of tequila and lip gloss and as her lips parted their kisses became more passionate, Ryan found himself lost in her dark eyes, in her sweet smelling hair.

"Please don't hurt me Ryan." Her face was serious now. "Please don't use me as a rebound."

"No—I wouldn't." Her lips found his again and before he knew it, they were on his couch, their hands and mouths exploring one another's. How long they stayed there, kissing and touching and exploring one another, Ryan did not know; eventually she pulled away from him, satisfied. He put an arm around her shoulder and felt her body press happily against his.

"Do you feel any better?" She murmured, seemingly pleased with herself and the world at large. It was a surreal moment for Ryan; two hours ago he had been depressed and drunk and thinking about Taylor. Now he had an ex-girlfriend, who seemed determined to become the new girlfriend, purring on his shoulder.

"I do—but I'm hungry." Ryan desperately needed some water and something greasy to eat.

"Do you want to order a pizza—my treat?"

"Is this how this relationship is going to work—you seduce me and buy me dinner?"

"Only if you want me to." She kissed his neck and rose to get the phone book from the kitchen. "Where is the phone book? I thought everyone kept it on top of their refrigerators."

"It's next to the phone—where any normal person would put it." He watched her walk in her tight jeans and his mind could not help but think about the pleasure he would get when her legs would be wrapped tightly around him.

"How does sausage and mushroom sound?"

"Pretty good." Sadie flopped down on the couch and began dialing. "Do you even know my address?"

"I found you didn't I? And I have an excellent memory."

"I see." Ryan watched her, smiling in sudden amusement, as she ordered a large pizza. "You're such a good provider."

"Don't get too used to it—I still except you to treat me in some style." Sadie seemed to become suddenly shy. "I mean, if you want to give this a try?" Her eyes were hopeful and happy. As he looked at her, her lips framed in sweet repose, he asked himself if he should give love another chance. Taylor had hurt him badly; she had betrayed him and all the love he had felt for her. As he thought of her, he could not summon in his mind an image of her pretty innocence. No, all he could see was her cruel, impish eyes. How different then were Sadie's honest, open, brown orbs. Yes, he would give it a try.


	21. Chapter 21

The air was full of the impending Thanksgiving feast. The Berkeley campus had already started its mass exodus and as Ryan walked along the campus green, he found the silence of the campus remarkable. He paused for a moment to tie his shoes and as he did Ryan let his mind settle on Sadie, his girlfriend. They had been seeing each other since September; things had moved slowly, just as he had wanted, but as the weeks progressed and he spent more time with the girl, the more he found himself liking her and wanting to be with her.

Taylor was of course not forgotten; she still lingered in his mind and he did not pass a single day without thinking about her. He often wondered if she thought about him as well; she had certainly taken the break-up in stride. She had been sad, Taylor had told Summer, about how things had worked out, but she didn't want to put her life on hold. Taylor hadn't waited to take up dating Carlos; Ryan spied them around campus from time to time; at first the sight of them had driven him mad with anger, jealousy and remorse, now however, he could see them together and not really feel pain. From Summer Ryan learnt that Taylor was seeing other people besides Carlos; at least she was living the life she wanted, Ryan told himself as he continued to walk through the campus.

He stopped again when he heard his cell phone buzz with the notification of a new text message. Sadie was just texting to say hello; she missed him and he smiled at the memory of their morning together. He quickly wrote her back and thought about her. That he was not in love with her was certain; she was however a very sweet and interesting and attractive young woman who made him happy. She was easy to get along with and fairly without drama; Ryan liked that. It was easy spending time with her and already, after only two months, Ryan felt very comfortable and secure in his relationship with her.

Sadie wrote back to tell him that she was making him a special dinner for that evening and would also let him help her make dessert for Thanksgiving. Ryan smiled at that; she usually didn't let Ryan help out in the kitchen, she liked to cook for him and that was that. He wondered what the surprise would be and wrote her back about what she was making for Thanksgiving dessert; the answer came back quickly, "blueberry pie." Thanksgiving was going to be a big to-do at the Cohen household. Frank and Julie and Kaitlin were coming up from LA and Ryan was going to have to prepare himself for potential disaster because Dawn and Trey and Lisa were coming over for dinner as well. Of course both parents had promised to be on their best behavior, but it still worried Ryan because this was the first time in many years that his mother and father would be in the same room together.

Ryan picked up his pace; he was done for the day now and was going to go back to his apartment so he could put the finishing touches on a small project he had to turn in the next day, the last day of school before Thanksgiving break. As he was walking, Ryan passed by a small green space and stopped. A good thirty or forty yards away from him was Taylor, Carlos and another young man Ryan had never seen before. They were all sitting, eating lunch and laughing. Even from the distance Ryan could tell Taylor was enjoying herself; she laughed uncontrollably at something the other young man said and as she stopped laughing, Taylor's face was lit up in fiery amusement.

For whatever reason, Ryan felt himself transposed to that spot. He stood there, watching Taylor hold court with the two men. He had seen her only a week before, and even though he had not spoken to her and she had not noticed him, he had been okay; his heart hadn't swelled with unhappiness like it had in the past, nor as it was now. He watcher her, and for the first time since the early days of their breakup, he wanted her and missed her. He knew that it was an unrealistic goal, and one that lacked merit or was worth pursuing, but then and there, whatever had happened to them in the past, he wanted her. Ryan wanted to be the one who Taylor's eyes shone brilliantly one, warming the soul; he wanted her gorgeous smile to be the result of something witty and funny he had said. To those lingering hands and soft, petal like fingers, Ryan wished to reach out and take them in his and kiss them gently.

As he remained frozen in his thoughts, memories of their time together resurfaced. He thought of her in Newport, eager to be with and share something with him. Ryan thought of the early days of their courtship, the happy days of long ago when they had been caught up in the delirium of learning about one another and the unmistakable happiness of finding out what secret treasures each person held. Small seconds, moments that had seemed forgettable at the time, came streaking through his mind. He remembered holding her while they waited for Seth and Summer to show up for a double date; he remembered silently holding her hand while waiting for a movie and the feelings of pride and happiness he had because she had been so beautiful that day. Yes, there were fragments of time, but together they had put together such a beautiful picture. Pity then that the picture had lead to nothing but a piercing sadness. Had it been so long ago that she had come over to Thanksgiving dinner at the Cohen household? Had it been so long ago that she had once been a refuge from her mother's home?

"Hi Ryan." It was Taylor, her hazel eyes glittering in merriment.

"Hey." He must have been completely out of it because she had appeared almost out of thin air.

"So what's up? I saw you standing here; I don't think you blinked for like two minutes."

"Sorry." He felt incredibly embarrassed and awkward now. How long had it been since he had heard her voice, had stood only feet away from her? Her scent was as he remembered it but her voice seemed deeper, more mature and sensual. "I should go."

"No wait—I wanted to say hi to you. How have you been?"

"Not too bad—all right I guess." He tried to smile but all that came of it was a shy grin. She looked lovely standing there, in the fading afternoon sunlight. The sunlight illuminated her locks, which created a halo of light through her hair. They stood in silence, both not sure of what to say next. Taylor had not really changed since their break up, still gorgeous and overpowering in her beauty.

"Summer says you're having a big party for Thanksgiving."

"Yea—my mom and my dad are coming over so that might be a"

"Disaster." She finished the sentence for him, smiling all the way. "I'm leaving tomorrow for Newport; my mom is trying to throw the biggest dinner in the history of Newport. The governor might even be there."

"I'm sure you'll have fun." Taylor laughed at that.

"I bought a new dress for the occasion so showing it off will probably be the highlight of the evening."

"Are you bringing him with you?" Ryan nodded his head towards Carlos on the green.  
"Yes—first time meeting my mother."

"I feel sorry for him." He was trying to play off this meeting with a bravado that was difficult to maintain.

"Well I've given him as much warning as possible—but she isn't really that scary anymore—she was pretty sweet to you."

"Yeah she was." Taylor played with a lock of her hair and bit her lip, as if trying to think of something to say so she could keep this conversation going. She at least appeared to be perfectly at ease; it had the effect of making Ryan feeling less at ease.

"So Summer told me about you and Sadie—I was happy for you."

"Were you?" His tone came off sharper than he would have liked; Taylor frowned.

"Yes—she sounds like a sweet girl."

"She is—she makes me happy."

"That's a good thing to look for in a relationship." It appeared that Taylor was about to apologize but then stopped, as if she decided it was better not to drag up the past. "He's petty sweet too." She looked back at Carlos and her eyes were full of fondness; yet there was a touch of sadness in her eyes too that Ryan had not detected earlier. "Not as sweet as you though." Those words couldn't but help from coming out.

"Sadie's lucky then." He didn't want to go down this road, not today.

"I guess she'll be with you at Thanksgiving?"

"She's cooking dessert right now."

"And she cooks too—well Sadie certainly has her advantages." Taylor spoke in such a good-natured way that Ryan believed that she was glad for him. "I won't be cooking at all—my mother doesn't believe I have any culinary talent even though I did spend three years in France and have cooked for her. You remember—I always made you good meals."

"Yes—it was always a fancy dish that I couldn't pronounce."

"That's because you refused to learn any French." Taylor laughed in a soft, playful manner. A silence spread over them and it was like the silence of the past, good and comfortable. For a madding moment, as he looked into her, he wanted to grab her and kiss her and make love to her on that soft earth below him. Ryan opened his mouth to speak, but whatever it was he meant to say was interrupted by the voice of Carlos calling for Taylor. "I have to run." She waved to Carlos and turned back to Ryan. "I'm glad we got to talk a little. Don't be a stranger." She waved good-bye to him and wished him a Happy Thanksgiving in a small, fading voice.

Ryan stood silently and watched her recede into the heart of the campus. He stood as a man spellbound but then his cell phone rang. It was Sadie; the spell was broken.


	22. Chapter 22

Seth was in full holiday cheer and Ryan watched in amusement as Seth surveyed the scene with obvious satisfaction. It was time for the great Cohen winter tradition of Chrismukkah and the Cohen household was packed with people. Trey and Lisa chatted with Summer and Sadie while Dawn and Sandy played with Sophie, who was beaming from the attention and from the anticipation of all the presents she would be receiving.

"So this is going along nicely." Kirsten broke into Ryan's musings with a smile. "I'm glad that your mother and brother could come." She seemed generally pleased to have them over; it was a far cry from her nervous condition right before Thanksgiving Day, when Kirsten had had nightmares about an Atwood family battle. That day had gone off smoothly, if not a bit awkwardly.

"Yeah—I think everyone is having a good time." Since they were having such a large party of guests, the Cohen's had hired out a cook and a small serving staff to prepare and serve the meal and desserts. Currently a young woman walked around the down stairs area with a tray of salmon puffs and beef kabobs while another young woman passed through the rooms with red and white wine. "Seth's in his element."

"He's not nervous?"

"Not yet." Kirsten looked at Ryan knowingly and then made off to join at Sandy's side. This was to be the evening that Seth was finally going to propose to Summer. It was nearly at year since her father had died and Seth thought, rightly in Ryan's mind, that a proposal would be the perfect holiday present for Summer.

Left alone, Ryan took a sip from his beer and continued to watch the activity in the room. Everyone was smiling and laughing and it all seemed like a perfect way to cap off the year. It had been a strange year; he had left April, had fallen in love with Taylor again and then had been badly hurt by her dishonesty. Now he was with Sadie, and he was happy. Any week now he'd hear about his application to Stanford and soon he would know what the future held for him.

"Hey baby." It was Dawn; she beamed at her son and hugged him tightly. "Happy Christmas."

"You too." She looked her son up and down, very proud and happy to be sharing this with him.

"I'm having such a good time—I wouldn't care if your father was here." Despite the Atwood family reunion, Dawn and Trey hadn't wanted much to do with Frank Atwood. Frank had been invited this evening, but he and Julie had taken Kaitlin to the east coast for Christmas in New York City; plus Kaitlin was interested in looking at NYU and Williams for college.

"He called today—Kaitlin loved NYU."

"That's where she wants to go?"

"Her first choice yeah—she really wants to go study on the east coast."

"Well she's a sharp girl." Dawn turned to Trey, who was approaching. "Didn't you think Kaitlin was a sharp girl?"

"She was pretty all right." Trey looked at Ryan. "Sadie was telling me about your trip to Vegas for New Years."

"She's been pretty excited about it." Ryan's eyes found Sadie, talking to Summer by the kitchen. "She's only been once and that was just for a couple of hours; I just hope that she doesn't get distracted and decide to run away with a black jack dealer."

"No way man— that girl's hooked on you." Sadie must have felt Ryan's eyes on hers because she looked over to him and winked. Ryan smiled and Sadie smiled back and as he stood there, looking at her beauty, he realized how important to him she was. He knew he was not in love with her, but he knew that he could very well be soon. "You guys should stop off and see Dwight—he's dying to meet you."

"Maybe—we'll see if we have time." Ryan had never really gotten a moments warmth from Trey's wife, so he doubted that he'd spend anytime with her father. "I'll see what Sadie wants to do."

"Sure—I just know he'd be thrilled to meet you."

"Well if Ryan doesn't we'll have Dwight come down after the holidays." Dawn turned to Ryan and explained how busy Lisa's father was in Sin City; they too were busy here in San Francisco. It was four days before Christmas Eve and this was last free evenings Dawn and Trey would have for a while. "Do you think dinner is going to be ready soon?"

"Not too long—I think the ham will be ready soon—you know how long turkey can take."

There was squeal of laughter from Sophie that caused them all to turn around. Sadie had relented and given Sophie a present, a small present, and the girl was jumping up and down in zeal.

"Don't get too excited Sophie—you don't want to spoil your appetite." Sadie smiled down on the young girl and watched affectionately as the girl tore into the present. It was a DVD from Kaitlin.

"You'll have to remember to thank her next time she stops by—remember Sophie Rose." Sandy bent down and kissed his daughter on the forehead. "Dinner will be ready any minute—so hurry up and get yourself a seat." Trey and Dawn separated from Ryan to claim Lisa, was who talking to Kirsten. Ryan waited and watched as Sadie walked towards him.

"You're good with her." He kissed her and took her head.

"We have to find some mistletoe before the night is through."

"And some eggnog."

"Take it back to your place."

"Give each other presents." Her eyes glowed with lust as she leaned forward and kissed him passionately before pulling away with a happy grin. "We don't want to put on a show in front of your parents."

"No—not that." He couldn't put help to quickly give her backside a playful smack as they walked back to join the others.

"There you guys are—I thought you had run off for home."

"No." Sadie and Ryan took seats across from Sandy and Kirsten and as Sadie took Ryan's hand, he could see Sandy watching in silent approval. They had been very supportive of Ryan ever since his second and final breakup with Taylor and from day one, Sadie had been welcomed with open arms.

"So he's going to do it after dessert." Sandy leaned forward and whispered to both Sadie and Ryan. Summer and Seth sat at the other end of the table; Ryan looked over and noticed his best friend watching them, a happy smile on his face. Summer sat talking to Dawn, oblivious of what the evening was destined to hold for her.

"I can't wait to see the ring." Sadie, like all women, had a great deal of interest in what type of engagement ring the bride to be would receive.

"It's lovely."

"You helped pick it out, right?"

"From start to finish." There were cheers of celebration as the first course of food came out, tomato soup. For the rest of the dinner, there was a flurry of conversation, none of which Ryan truly remembered the next day. The memories that would carry on for him were those of Sadie's shining eyes and the lavender scent that hung on her body that evening; Ryan remembered the looks of pleasure and pride stamped upon Sandy and Kirsten's faces whenever they looked at Seth and Summer. Trey's laughter and Dawn's pleasured voice also echoed in his memory long after; so much pleasure was to be found on that evening that it was almost sad that the night had to pass at all.

When dinner was finally over Sadie and Ryan rose; they were going to take a quick walk around the neighborhood and return in enough time so as to catch the post-engagement announcement. They were nearly out the door when Seth waylaid them.

"Dude I'm freaking out."

"Why—what's" Before Ryan could finish asking his question Seth corralled Sadie and Ryan and pushed them out the door.

"I'm about to ask Summer to marry me—what the hell am I thinking?"

"Well you love her."

"And she's obviously crazy about you."

"But last time."

"Last time?" Ryan suddenly remembered that Sadie hadn't been around the last time Seth had proposed. No, that had been Taylor.

"Long story—all I know is that once again I'm setting myself up for disaster."

"Dude—she loves you—you aren't going into this because you think she's pregnant—you've both gone through college. It's not at all the same as the last time. She's going to say yes."

"You think so?"

"Seth you guys have been together forever—I know Summer's crazy about you—she always says so."

"The female perspective is much appreciated right now, thank you." Seth smiled at Sadie; he had always liked Sadie very well and had been very supportive of Ryan's relationship with the girl. She was just what he needed after the Taylor disaster, Seth always said.

"Well it's the truth—you have nothing to worry about—she loves you and I know you want to marry her—a girl can tell these things; it's sweet."

"Listen, all I know is that tonight's the perfect night. It's Chrismukkah, and there isn't anything that can go wrong then."

"No—that's true—there's always some sort of miracle during Chrismukkah. They're almost impossible to count."

"Well then go in there and pop the question."

"Will you guys go with me?"

"We'll be right out side the door or around the corner—whatever you want."

"Just go and propose Seth—she'll say yes." Sadie laughed at him in a good natured way. Impulsively she threw her arms around him and hugged him. "Good luck." She kissed his cheek. Sadie went to follow Seth but Ryan grabbed her hand and held her back.

"Come here." Pulling her into him, Ryan kissed her long and passionately. "Merry Christmas."

"Yes, I think so too."


	23. Chapter 23

Ryan sat in his apartment and listened to music. The newest _Arctic Monkeys_ album played on his stereo and Ryan sang silently along to the lyrics. It was February 14th, Valentine's Day, and Ryan was waiting before getting ready for his evening with Sadie. Things continued to go very well for them; the month of January had passed pleasantly for them and so too had this month. Ryan, however, faced this evening with a mixture of pleasure and apprehension.

Looking out the window, Ryan stood and watched the dark gray clouds of winter pass through the sky. The clouds were pregnant with impending rain and he knew that before the evening was finished, it would rain. How similar to his own situation were the clouds! Like the gray clouds above him, full of rain, Sadie was pregnant with words that Ryan knew would fall before the evening was out. The storm that had been brewing over the city was like the storm that was brewing within Sadie; she would tell him that she loved him, and Ryan did not know how she would react when the same words failed to leave his lips.

Ryan knew for a fact that he did not love her, not yet. He understood partly why he was not in love with her; a bit of him, a small bit of him, was still tied up with Taylor. He would always love Taylor, the Taylor of Newport who had sparkled like a blazing sun so many years ago. Yes, there was a shred of him, a small shred of him, that still actively loved her, that microscopic part of her that Ryan knew was hiding somewhere inside this new, improved, Taylor Townsend that prattled and drank and made love without distinction. Of that Taylor, Ryan had not seen or heard from her since the beginning of December.

What else was it then? What else kept him from loving Sadie? He could not figure it out, could not put his finger on the problem, but there was something missing in his regard for her. Certainly Ryan felt a strong, deep affection for the girl, and no doubt he would be very upset if he did not have her in his life anymore; Ryan would certainly fight for her. What then was the problem? Why didn't he feel that dizziness, that silly, foolish, fire that burnt through his body when he had loved Marissa and Taylor? Had Ryan simply matured? Had he simply grown older and his youthful enthusiasm for love been replaced by a steady maturity that did not seek the madding passion which played such tricks on the mind and heart?

Ryan did not know; all he knew that he felt, in his blood, that Sadie would say those magical words to him and he would be unable to return those words. Would he lose her? Would Sadie turn those brilliant brown eyes away from him forever? The thought of losing those warm eyes, which warmed him, made Ryan sick with sadness. He knew he could not lie to her; he knew he would not lie to her and tell her the words she wanted to hear so dearly. Such pressure on this day of love. Summer and Seth were happy in Providence, staying in for a romantic evening; even Sandy and Kirsten had set plans that did not have Sandy worried about pleasing his wife.

The CD ended and Ryan let the apartment sink into quiet. He could hear the humming of the electric appliances and the murmur of the television at the apartment next to his. He looked at his watch: there were two hours before he had to pick up Sadie. Ryan felt an anxiety wash over him as he heard Sadie say the words he both longed and dreaded to hear.

Suddenly there was a knock at his door. Rising he threw it open and was momentarily stunned to see Taylor standing before him.

"Hi Ryan." She slurred seductively and glided past him. She was drunk; he could tell it easily on her breath and by the strange light that danced in her eyes. "Happy Valentine's Day." She awkwardly hugged him and when he pushed her away slightly, Taylor stumbled backwards and fell down onto the couch with a frown. "Aren't you glad to see me?"

"What are you doing here? Did you drive?"

"I took a taxi."

"But what are you doing here?"

"To see you." Taylor smiled gaily up at him and quoted from Dowson: "…I was desolate and sick of an old passion." She finished reciting the poet and fished in her purse. She pulled out a flask. "You want a drink?"

"You.." He was about to tell her to leave when Ryan noticed a bruise on her face. It was a fairly obvious shiner, but Ryan had been so surprised by Taylor's sudden arrival that the bruise hadn't sunk in until now. He had seen healing bruising many times and Ryan had a sinking feeling that this one had been caused by a fist or hand coming into violent contact with Taylor's face. "What happened to your face?"

"Oh this old thing?" She touched it and smiled bitterly. "It was a good-bye present from someone."

"Someone hit you?" Ryan felt a rage boiling over him; though he wasn't in love with Taylor the thought that someone could have hurt her made him hit the roof. "Who was it? Carlos?" He knew from Summer that Carlos was the man that Taylor was seeing the most; she had other men, like she had wanted, but Carlos seemed to be the man she spent most of her time with.

"No—not Carlos—it's this guy that works at a bar we go to sometimes—it isn't important."

"Not important? Are you serious—he hit you?"

"And don't think he got away with it either." Taylor sipped from her flask and grinned in momentary satisfaction. "Turns out that Jimmy has a fondness for coke; he wasn't happy when I found some of his stuff and threw it out the window."

"Taylor—guys like him could kill you for something like that." Ryan took a seat next to her—his mind was in a daze. Nothing in his wildest nightmares could he have ever imagined Taylor being hit by someone or by her coming into conflict with a drug addict.

"Well he won't be bothering me for a while."

"What do you mean?"

"Carlos has some friends—nice people but you don't want to get them angry. Jimmy made them angry." Ryan could only imagine what had happened to Jimmy. "Jimmy isn't really a dangerous guy or anything—he's learnt not to fool around with me anymore."

"Where does he work?" The fact that Taylor had taken care of the problem didn't really settle Ryan's anger completely. He still wanted a few minutes alone with Jimmy himself.

"It's over Ryan." She smiled at him and then a sadness passed over her face. "You'd really fight him for me?"

"He hurt you."

"Even after I hurt you—funny how things work." Taylor reached out and took Ryan's hand. "I miss you so much." Her words left him cold; the luster in her eyes had a madness, a lustful madness to them. "Come back to me." She leaned forward and tried to kiss him by Ryan pulled away.

"No Taylor—not again."

"Why—I'll be better this time—I was crazy to cheat on you like I did." Her body pressed up against his; she was warm and Ryan could smell her excitement. "I haven't been able to stop thinking about you the past two days. Ever time I close my eyes I think of you inside of me."

"What about Carlos? Aren't you seeing him tonight?"

"Carlos wants to possess me—he gets jealous when I see other men—he's such a boy sometimes."

"I'd never want to share you."

"I love you—I wouldn't mind that." She put her hand in his hair and ran it through his blonde mane. "Give me another chance Ryan." Without warning her lips were on his and for a brief moment he forgot about Sadie but as Taylor's tongue struggled to part Ryan's lips he remembered the cruelty she had inflicted on him, and all the pain she had caused.

"No Taylor—I can't. I'm with Sadie."

"You were with April before—you don't love Sadie—Summer says you don't love her."

"I don't love you either—I did before." It was as if Ryan had struck her; she pulled away in a flash and looked at him with vivid, angry eyes.

"You're lying."

"No—my love for you died when you told me about Carlos." His blue eyes looked coldly upon her. The old wounds of the past had become undone and he felt all his old anger and frustration for her boil over. "You had so many chances to be happy with me Taylor and you threw them away."

"I was an idiot then—I've changed Ryan—I promise I have." She tried to reach out to him but he stood up and moved away from her. "How can you not love me? Remember, you promised me you would?"

"Maybe you have changed Taylor—but I'm in no mood to find out." They looked at each other in silence; she had started to cry and the tears fell silently on her face.

"No—you'd rather be safe and secure with your Sadie—you'll never love her though."

"Don't talk about her." There was a warning in his voice that he did not like to hear himself; so much passion and anger was flowing through him that he wanted to be alone as soon as possible. "You should go before we both say anything really dumb."

"I think I've done that already." She stood up. "Don't worry about me trying to seduce you Ryan—I have a heart you know. I wasn't trying to get you into bed" Picking up her purse and reached in and pulled out a bottle of pills. "Do you know that Jimmy gave me another good-bye present?" Ryan looked at the bottle; he felt very sad for Taylor. "Bastard gave me the Clap."

"Taylor."

"I'll be fine—just take these pills for two weeks and I'll be good as new—though it does throw you the first time you get an STD." She laughed in a renewed bitterness. "Take care of yourself huh?" She hugged him and passed again out of his life.


	24. Chapter 24

Providence, Rhode Island, was cold and dreary. In the sarcastic words of Ryan Atwood, it was the perfect place for spring break.

"Oh don't be such a downer—this is great." Sadie smiled warmly and pressed her body close to his. "This is such a beautiful campus Summer." Seth's fiancée smiled back at Sadie and then turned to Ryan with satisfaction.

"I'm going to miss it so badly." Like Ryan and Seth, Summer was done with her undergraduate degree. She had caught up with full semester loads and summer school and once May had passed, she would be returning to California and settling in Los Angeles, where law school awaited her at Loyola Marymount. "You think you'll miss Berkeley?"

"Yeah—but Stanford's pretty close." Ryan felt Sadie's proud eyes on him. Everything was turning out finely for them: Summer had law school, Seth had two job offers with graphic design firms in the city of Los Angeles and Ryan had Stanford. Even Sadie had promise ahead of her; her manager friend from the jewelry store had recommended Sadie to take over a shop in San Francisco whose owner was retiring; Sadie then could move to the city not only for her man but also for her career.

"I won't really miss RISD at all."

"Oh please Cohen—you'll cry like a baby."

"Probably true." The paused by a pair of benches and stopped to sit down. "Why did we decide to go on a campus tour at eight-thirty in the morning? I'm freezing."

"I always thought the campus prettiest now." Summer looked around the green where they had stopped. She smiled and seemed to be lost in some sort of memory. "They wanted to cut down that tree once." She pointed to a large oak that stood proudly. "Che and a bunch of us chained each other to the tree and we protested all night until the board relented."

"Whatever happened to Che?"

"He's raising free range chickens in Oregon with his wife—you remember that Spanish girl who got arrested for me?"

"That's right—that's when Taylor dressed up like a ground-hog to stalk you." Seth smiled at Ryan but then frowned when he received an incredulous look from Summer. "Sorry."

"Taylor dressed up like a ground-hog?" Like all firmly established girlfriends, Sadie liked to hear about the strange actions of ex-girlfriends.

"It was a long time ago." Ryan noticed a passing sharpness of pain sweep across Summer's face. The girl looked at Ryan with wounded eyes and seemed to be shaken by the memory of those distance times. "It seems like yesterday but it's not." They all stood in silence and Ryan felt an oppressive air hang over them. Of Taylor Ryan had not seen or heard from since Valentine's Day, almost five weeks ago. He had let her walk out of his apartment at first, but then something had compelled him to go after her, to look for her. He had to know that she was safe, that she would not do anything drastic. When he had gotten outside, she was gone. Standing outside, he could see a taxi passing down the street; surely it was she. Taylor had in fact called that very evening; she was sorry to have interrupted his Valentine's Day like that but she had told him he shouldn't worry. She'd be fine. He had called her back but had gotten nothing; since then he had not spoken to her.

"I could use some coffee." Sadie, the one who was most left out in the silence, was eager to break it. "Come with me Ryan?"

"Yeah sure." He reached out to take her hand but Seth interrupted and told Ryan he'd take Sadie; he at least knew where the coffee vendors were. Looking at Seth, Ryan noticed a particular look in his face, as if he was doing a job for Summer in separating Ryan from Sadie. No doubt there was an important topic of conversation impending.

"We won't be too long," Sadie stole a glance as she walked away and smiled at Ryan; he smiled too and then turned to Summer once they had gone a few yards.

"So."

"When was the last time you've heard from Taylor?"

"Valentine's Day." He saw the concern on her face. "What's wrong?"

"Well it's been about a week and we haven't talked—ever since I got engaged we've practically talked daily but this week I've heard nothing. Don't you ever see her around campus?"

"No—I haven't seen her at all. Why, is something wrong with her?"

"Well she hasn't been herself lately." Ryan had to laugh at that; no, Taylor hadn't been feeling herself the past few years. Summer shot him a glance and he mumbled an apology. "I know Taylor and I haven't been on the best footing in the past—you know how pissed I was at her after she cheated on you—but we've been doing really well lately; she's going to be my maid of honor and you know I went down to Newport for New Years—we've been talking a lot and it's just I don't like what I hear. Lately it seems like all she does is go out with Carlos and some of her other friends and drinks and stays up all night—it's scaring me—it reminds me a lot of Marissa."

"It reminds me a lot of Marissa too. But Taylor going out drinking isn't exactly new—she did that in Paris for years."

"But it sounds like there's almost no joy in it anymore—she's almost willing herself to be more and more wild just because. Doesn't that scare you Ryan—can't we do something?"

"What can we do? She's a grown woman."

"Talk to her—reason with her. Explain to her that she's hurting herself—I haven't heard from her in a week and I'm starting to get scared that something's wrong—she took that thing with Jimmy so hard—he hit her and then gave her that STD. I don't know—even when she was on her medicine she was drinking heavily—I offered to come out there but she won't hear of it."

"And that stopped you? The Summer Roberts I know wouldn't back down from anyone."

"I know—but I just don't want to lose her Ryan—she's my oldest girlfriend; she's always been there for me in the past and I was afraid if I went out there and tried to get her to calm down she'd get pissed at me again and leave me. I couldn't mange losing someone else—I've lost too many friends over the years—Luke, Holly, Marissa, my dad. I couldn't take it if Taylor was gone too." She was crying now and as she blew her nose with a tissue she laughed a little at herself. "Seth's going to be mad at you if he sees me crying; he'll think you went Kid Chino on me or something."

"I'll call her when we get back—I promise."

"Don't give up on her Ryan—I know she treated you badly but don't give up on her—she loves you."

"Everyone keeps saying that."

"But you don't see it—I know. She'll prove it to you someday." Ryan was about to ask how Summer knew such a thing when he spotted Seth and Sadie returning up the path with four cups of coffee. "Hey."

"You okay?" Seth and Sadie both looked between Ryan and Summer with worry.

"Yeah—just been talking about stuff." Summer smiled through her remaining tears and wiped them away with a new tissue. "Thanks for the coffee." Summer began to tell Sadie about an old building to the right; Seth and Ryan fell into step behind them.

"So is Summer all right? What happened?"

"She's worried about Taylor."

"You haven't heard from her either?"

"Not in a couple of weeks no."

"How was she the last time you saw her?"

"Not too good man—you know she's been through a tough time."

"So have you man—don't forget about what she did to you."

"I know—but it still doesn't change the fact that I loved her once."

"I just don't want you to get messed up in anything—Sadie really likes you."

"She loves me." Yes, those words had passed through her lips and had fallen heavily on Ryan's ears. He had been unable to return those words and that had stung Sadie but she had not regretted saying them and if she resented Ryan for not loving her back, she only showed it very slightly.

"So please just be careful about Taylor—I know that you have this hero complex and all and it's very noble—but just make sure you remember who your girlfriend is."

"And it's not Taylor." No, it certainly was not she. They walked in silence, listening to Summer tell Sadie about the campus. Sadie turned around once or twice to steal a glance and smile at Ryan; he smiled back at her and despite the cold, her brown eyes warmed him.

"Aren't you glad you decided to spend your last spring break here?"

"Yeah—Providence is the perfect spring break spot."


	25. Chapter 25

Spring break had passed too quickly and now Ryan found himself back in Berkeley. It was a soft early spring afternoon which promised life and hope for the future. How different was it here than in Rhode Island, where the cold hand of decay seemed to still have a tight grip on the world. Here Ryan's heart felt light and dreamy and he could taste the impending delights of the long spring and summer.

He looked at this watch. He was early but he did not mind that; no, there was such a fine pleasure in being outdoors today that he didn't mind he had ten minutes to wait for Dawn, Trey and Lisa. That was fine, that was good. With time to kill, Ryan let his eyes wander through the sea of people that were walking along the street, to and from diners and cafes and stores. Pretty girls, happy with the warm weather, walked with confidence, secure in their beauty. Sometimes the girls were by themselves, sometimes they were with other girlfriends, and sometimes they had a young man on their arm. The young men always looked pleased with themselves. It was a fine day and they should feel proud of their women, Ryan thought to himself. He would have felt proud too if Sadie was on his arm.

He missed her, his Sadie. She was up by Stanford, looking at the shop she would be taking over in a few months. In a few months; how strange those words sounded to Ryan. It was late March now and in two months time he would be finished with the University of California. His four years had passed like lightening and now, even though he was not ready, Ryan was being propelled further, into a future he could not readily imagine. How would life in Stanford be? Would be make friends? Would he be able to keep up with the brilliant minds of his peers?

A young woman walked by and for an instant Ryan thought it was Taylor. Same height, same slender figure, same auburn locks. No, it was not she; her face was different, thinner than Taylor's. Ryan let the disappointment that it was not she settle quietly over him. He had not seen her in over a month, had barely spoken to her since that time too. He had called her, like he had promised Summer. Ryan had left Taylor a message; she had in return called him and had briefly thanked him for thinking of her and for calling her. Ryan had been struck by her voice. There was calmness, a sweetness to it that he had not heard in a long time. Closing his eyes, he could picture her from the past; rambling sweetly over something he did not really care about, except that it was important to her.

The tenderness in her voice, though it was a short message, made Ryan think about her. Had she changed? Had once again the forces within Taylor moved, had they propelled another transformation in the girl forward? Ryan wondered about her if she was changing. Would he allow his heart, so closed to her, to open up a bit? Would he allow the warmth of her friendship heat his body and mind? He was far away from trusting her, loving her; it would a great deal of patience and affection from both of them to ever approach how things were, and Ryan was not sure the energy was within him, but as he waited in silence for his family, a small seed received its first grains of nourishment.

"Hey Ryan." It was Trey and Dawn, walking towards him. They had wanted to hear about spring break and Ryan was surprised by how much he had missed them, even though he had seen them only two weeks ago.

"Hey mom." Ryan hugged his mother and brother and then looked to Trey. "Where's Lisa?"

"She's visiting her dad in Vegas for a few days." Something in Trey's face made Ryan think that Lisa's visit wasn't purely out of fatherly affection.

"Is everything okay with him?"

"He's fine—she just needed to get a way for a bit."

"Everyone's just been stressed with Easter coming up and all." Trey paused as the waiter brought them two glasses of water and menus. "We had a fight or two last week and she just thinks it's best if we all get some space—clear our heads a bit."

"I'm sorry to hear about that." Ryan studied his brother for a moment but he his attempts at observation were derailed by Dawn.

"So how was Providence? How are Seth and Summer?"

"Good—they're pretty excited about coming back here. Summer's already started having people come by looking at the apartment."

"Did Sadie have a good time?"

"We all did—she was a little bit sorry to have to come back—she'd never been back east before."

"I always wanted to go to New York; your father promised me we'd go but you know how your father was."

"How is dad anyway?" Trey looked up from his menu.

"Pretty good—keeping busy with Julie and Adam. They were up for Passover to keep Sandy and Kirsten company, so they seem pretty good." Ryan always felt very awkward when discussing his father with Dawn and Trey; they had never really approved of Frank, or Julie Cooper. Whenever Ryan spoke of his father to them, he felt judgment hanging over his head as well, as if he deserved some sort of criticism for his acceptance of the once abusive father.

"That's nice." The waiter returned and took their lunch orders. "You have plans with Sadie this weekend?"

"No she's up in Stanford—remember?"

"I forgot yes—she must hate that she had to go out on the road again—I mean, you just got back from Rhode Island yesterday."

"It's a little tough on her—it's not much of a trip at all but the woman who's retiring was anxious for her to see the place. Plus Sadie wants to do a little apartment hunting so she thought she'd get started early."

"Are you guys going to live together?" Ryan nodded in affirmation despite the look of disapproval that crossed Dawn's face. "That's a big step man."

"I know—but I think we're ready for it." Trey looked at his brother and seemed to be considering his words.

"But you don't love her—do you?"

"I don't know how I feel about her. I care a lot about her." Ryan wasn't sure what to call the feeling. It was really unlike he had known before. With Marissa and Taylor, his love for them had been such a bubbling happiness, such a giddy thing that had left him frightened that such a feeling could be lost. With girls such as Lindsay and Theresa, and with Sadie years before, he had felt a strong affection. It was not love, and the pain of those separations had been easier to swallow. Now, Ryan felt something that was not the bubbling happiness of the past; no, that was not it. His feelings for Sadie did not burn like a mad flame. It was an easy affection, a deep sentimentality that felt comfortable and secure. It was easy being with Sadie and he liked that, but it was not love.

"You should figure that out soon."

"Oh don't pressure your brother too much—he'll figure it out." Dawn smiled at Ryan; she always seemed to have a smile on her face these days when she spoke of love. It was a curious thing; she had no men in her life and did not seem to want any, but when Trey or Ryan or someone else around her spoke of that magic word, her face lit up in ecstasy. Dawn approved of Sadie even though she disapproved of their sinful relationship; that disapproval did not stop her from grinning about the subject of love. "I fell in love with your father the moment I saw him. I was at the movies with some friends and when your father walked into the theater, it was if the world stopped. I could see nothing but your father and at that moment I didn't think there could ever be, no matter how hard I looked, another man who was as gorgeous as he." She giggled and blushed slightly, embarrassed at the intensity of her memory. "That ever happen to you?" Her eyes were on Ryan.

"Only once." It had been Marissa; the first time he saw her he thought in his mind that he had never seen, and would never see, such a beautiful girl again.

"Taylor?"

"No—Marissa. I think the first time I saw Taylor she had quite the opposite affect on me. I thought to myself that this is one of the most annoying and selfish girls I'd ever meet. Taylor never really registered for me until our senior year."

"What about when you saw Sadie for the first time?"

"I thought she was gorgeous; she looked kind."

"You were right about her."

"I was right about them all—Marissa, Taylor. No one stays the same though—everything changes."

"So you might change about how you feel for Sadie."

"And she might change the way she feels about me."

"You just have to keep your heart open to change Ryan—it can bring about wonderful things." Ryan smiled at his brother. Yes it could; change had come for all of them. It had changed Frank and Julie; Summer, Dawn and Trey were different now. Taylor had changed once before and might change once again.  
"It's just hard to keep up with sometimes." His thoughts rested on Taylor; how many different guises she had worn already! Ryan thought of his first impression of her, so ugly and selfish. That had been in his first year at Newport. She had changed so much through her friendship with Summer and then again through her love for Ryan. A small smile crept across his face as he thought of her then. Such sweetness; such life and vibrancy. Was it still there or was it something lost forever, another thing crushed and floating through the universe?


	26. Chapter 26

It was the first day back at school after the spring break and Ryan had finished classes for the day. The warmth of the promised spring still held sway and again Ryan's heart was light as he walked towards the parking lot. All around him men and women talked and laughed and whispered and loved and as Ryan continued along the path, he remembered how April had loved this time of year. It was all going by so soon. Again the impending anxiety over the future seemed out of place in this soft, almost pastel world.

A young woman's voice suddenly called out for Ryan and when it called again he stopped. It was Taylor.

"Hi Ryan." She seemed slightly out of breath as she came up to him. Her hazel eyes shined brightly from the impromptu exercise and she grinned wildly for a moment. "I was just working up the courage to call you when I saw you walking by—I don't know, before I knew it I was chasing after you."

"What's going on—is everything all right?" She shook her head and her vivacity from a moment ago seemed to drain out of her.

"Can we walk a bit?" He nodded and she wordlessly began walking at his side. "It's pretty today—isn't it?"

"Very pretty." She tried to look him in the face but she could not; there was a nervousness about her that he had not seen in her for a while now. It was as if she was trying to build herself up. Ryan kept quiet, letting her get there on her own.

"It's sad to think that you'll be leaving here soon—though Stanford is pretty too. I almost went there but I don't know—I guess Berkeley and all its nostalgia won out." Taylor laughed to herself and played with a strand of hair absently. "The thing is—I need to talk to you."

"I know—that's why we're walking together." She opened her mouth to reply but fell silent. Ryan looked at her, not understanding what she wanted; he once was able to read her and her strange moods but right now she was a mystery. "What's going on? Is it Jimmy?"

"No—no, not at all. That's through—I'm through with all of them." This made Ryan raise his eyebrows.

"Even Carlos?"

"Yes—Carlos; funny you'd mention Carlos."

"Did he do something to you?" Again she tried to meet his gaze but failed. Taylor laughed nervously and suddenly seemed to find the dirt by her feet interesting. "Taylor."

"I guess you can say that—I." She sighed deeply. "Sorry Ryan—I should go." The young woman was about to take off but Ryan reached out and took hold of her arm.

"Hey—what's going on—talk to me Taylor." Turning her around, Ryan was startled to see tears in her eyes. "What is it?"

"I'm pregnant." He let go of her, so surprising was the confession. "It's his and when I told him he completely freaked out on me—told me it wasn't his problem." She cried loudly as she struggled to get control of herself. "How could he do that to me?"

"I don't know." Despite all the pain Taylor had caused him, he felt so sad, seeing her bawling her eyes out. She looked so young and innocent, not the same woman who had driven him into sorrow.

"You're the first one I thought of—I didn't know who else to turn to but you; you're always so good and sweet and I didn't know what else to do."

"What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to end it." Taylor reached into her purse and pulled out a tissue. She blew her nose loudly and looked up at Ryan, her face all pathetic and tearful. "I just want someone to be there with me."

"When?"

"Now—will you take me now? They see people whenever—I don't have to have an appointment." Ryan stood, not sure what to do or say. How was he supposed to respond to her? Did she realize what she was asking? "Ryan?" She came closer to him. Her eyes were full of hope and sorrow.

"Where is it?"

"Only ten minutes away—I need a ride because you're not supposed to drive after the procedure."

"Taylor—I don't know. It's a lot"

"I know." His words seemed to defeat her. She silently started to walk a few yards in silence but then grabbed his hands. "I know how awkward this is Ryan but you have no idea how thankful I am for you even listening to me—I know I have no right to complain or ask you of anything but you're the first person I thought of and if you do this for me I promise that I'll use all my earthly powers to get you sainted or knighted or whatever." He almost smiled at her words; it had been so long since he had heard her ramble.

"And you're sure you want to go through with the abortion?" Looking at her, so sad and weary, he felt himself relenting.

"Yes." She nodded her head shyly, sadly. "I'm in no shape to have a child and I couldn't imagine giving birth to something and then giving it up for adoption." Her eyes were still bright with tears and as she wiped them away Taylor shrugged her shoulders. "I thought about it and I hate it but I don't see any other way." She studied Ryan for a moment, trying to gauge how he felt, what he thought. "Do you think I'm horrible to do it?"

"No—not horrible at all." He squeezed her hands and then let them go. They walked in silence until they reached Ryan's jeep. "Have you spoken to Summer?"

"Last night—we had a long talk." Ryan got into the car and opened Taylor's door from the inside. She slid into her seat and put the seat belt snuggly around her. "It felt good talking to her again."

"How do I get there?"

"You turn left on Woodville and then make a right on Orange lane—just go straight down and it's on the left. It isn't but ten minutes away"

"That sounds easy enough." He looked at her and then thought again about Summer and all her worries during spring break. "She was worried about you—we were all worried about you."

"I know—I didn't handle anything well."

"What happened?" He put the car in reverse and started to drive out of the parking lot. Taylor sat quietly, looking sadly out the window. Had she not heard him?

"We had a time—Carlos and I. You should have seen us Ryan—we had a wonderful time, Carlos and I. There was someone else; a girl from the program that you never met—Jan. We kept at it night after night, even when I still had the clap we kept at it. Carlos and Jan thought they could keep up but they couldn't—no, I was always one or two drinks a head of them. We kept it up for a good couple of weeks—I think we were all thought we were so high from the alcohol that we'd never come down again."

"But you did."

"We did—we had a spectacular crash. Jan couldn't take it—neither could Carlos. We stopped on the bridge one night and I dared them all to jump; they thought I had finally gone over the edge. Maybe they were right because I almost did jump. It would be a very fine way to go—jumping off the bridge like that." He simply drove in silence, not really noticing the road, only hearing her voice and her pathetic tale.

"What stopped you?"

"I guess I was just a coward—or not as crazy as they thought I was. You know, having an STD slowed me down a bit, as least for a day or two. I started drinking the day I saw you and I don't remember if I ever stopped until I found out I was pregnant. That scared me—everything was just a giant blur, just a fog up until that point. I know I handled everything badly with you and Summer—she called me and worried about me and she didn't deserve having to worry like that. I just didn't know what to do about things." She turned to Ryan. "You ever just felt compelled to do something, to keep pushing forward even though you don't know why you are doing it? That's how the past few months have been for me—just one giant push forward even though I didn't know where or why I was going."

"I don't know." He turned onto Orange. "I think maybe.' His words felt so small, so inadequate for the emotions she was speaking of.

"I got scared when I found out I was pregnant. I don't know, but I woke up that morning and something felt wrong, like a part of me wasn't right. When they told me I just wanted to scream—it was like it wasn't my life, it wasn't my body. I wasn't worthy to carry life in me. I went home and was planning to drink the life out of me, flush it away with alcohol." They pulled into the parking lot of the clinic but Taylor did not seem to notice. She was utterly lost in the past, in her emotions. "I picked up a bottle of gin and was about to pour out a glass when something just broke inside of me; I just couldn't stop crying. I don't know how long I cried for but when there were no more tears left I felt calm, at peace. I didn't feel that push any more; I didn't have the madness burning inside of me."

Her voice had gotten softer, more serene. Looking over at Taylor he was struck by her. Looking at her, at her eyes, at her pretty face, illuminated by her tears, by her confession, he saw the Taylor of the past. A gentle sweetness shown through her; there was an innocence where there had once been hardness. A shy smile passed over her and looking at her, Ryan felt that he had too fallen back into the past. It was if time had broken down and Ryan was able to reach out and touch something that had once been. Taylor sat in silence, regarding him with that sweet smile; her hazel eyes were only full of sweetness and affection.

"I'm so sorry." He knew she meant it.


	27. Chapter 27

It was a week since Taylor's abortion and Ryan was once again thinking about her. Such a change had come over the girl and in that soft spring early evening, Ryan had found himself face to face with a relic from the past. The Taylor of old, the young girl he had fallen in love with so many years ago, had opened up before him. In the dying day light, as he had driven her home, he could not but feel the transformation that was taking place in her. The feeling of change was palpable in the air and when he looked at her, into those tired and startled hazel eyes, Ryan could not but help to notice the goodness, the sweetness there inside of her.

Taylor. Her voice sang in his ear and since then Ryan had allowed himself to dwell on her sweet smile and her singsong, perky voice. The past rushed over him and crushed him like a wave. As this new old Taylor took shape in his heart so did his feelings for Sadie. He did not, could not love her. Those short hours spent with Taylor had made him realize that now; he would never love Sadie. He certainly adored her and thought her wonderful and sweet, but again Ryan was unable to find that spark, that magical essence that made him feel giddy, blown away. Certainly Marissa and Taylor had made him feel like that once. No doubt another woman would make him feel the same way again.

Sitting in his apartment, Ryan let his gaze fall upon a picture of himself and Sadie. It was a new picture, taken at Brown. Sadie's brown eyes glowed with a fiery radiance; they made Ryan feel sad for what he had to do. He could not let the relationship continue any longer. He had been wrong to make it last so long, to keep Sadie hanging on the abyss of love and heartbreak. Ryan had been so unsure of himself, of his feelings. He had hoped, god had he had hoped, that he would love her. He had failed; he had failed her. Now all that was soon to be left was the dead carcass of another failed romance, the skeleton of a woman's hopes and dreams. There was a knock at the door.

The dying sunlight of the day was falling through Ryan's apartment windows. The weak light lay prostate on the ground and as Ryan walked to the door, his soul too felt prostate, like it was dying. For a moment, as he answered the door, Ryan felt like the entire world was nothing but a cruel joke.

"Hi" Taylor smiled up at him; the smile was shy and excited, almost as if she felt that happiness did not belong to her. "I hope I'm not intruding?"

"No—not at all." He stepped to the side and let her breeze past him. She was dressed in blue jeans and a yellow t-shirt; her hair was drawn up in a ponytail. "What do you have there?" He motioned towards the two contains she awkwardly held.

"Cookies and brownies—I felt a sudden urge to bake this morning and I thought I'd bring you over a little present for helping me out last week." She set the baked goods down on the kitchen table and looked up at him. "I remember you used to love brownies."

"I still do." He walked past her and opened up the plate of brownies. "These look great."

"Do you have any milk?" She smiled shyly at him, enjoying his excitement and pleasure.

"Yeah," He brought out two glasses and poured out two large glasses of milk. They sat down at the table and ate for a few moments in silence. "These are really great Taylor."

"Better than my peach tort?"

"I don't know—you made a good peach tort." She laughed at him, enjoying his good mood. "Thank you for these."

"You're welcome." She played with a piece of her hair; she seemed nervous. "I went on a major baking kick today—I made some cookies for Summer and Seth and rice krispy treats for my mom. She loves them; they're her favorite dessert but she'd never admit to it because she thinks they aren't classy enough. What?" She stopped because Ryan was about to laugh at her. "Is there something in my teeth?"

"No—your teeth are wonderful." She grinned widely and continued to eat. "So—what have you been up to, besides baking?"

"Oh not a lot actually."

"You feeling okay? You can talk to me, remember?"

"I'm okay—I felt pretty low for the first few days, basically stayed in bed. Mostly I've been staying in bed—I've had a lot of time to think."

"Oh yeah? And what did you come up with?"

"That I was awful to you, awful to Summer. Neither of you deserved to be treated like that—I know I scared her and I know I hurt you so much—when I was lying in bed, thinking, I realized how messed up I made things—I didn't want to mess things up but I did. I had your heart and I let myself get caught up in Carlos and the others. I shouldn't have done what I did and I have no excuses; I just felt this madness, this horrible madness and fire burning through me and I didn't know any other way to put it out except by drinking and fucking—I had a good run but it cost me, it cost me so much." Taylor reached out and took Ryan's hand. He held it and squeezed it. "Believe me when I tell you I always loved you, even when I was in Carlos' arms I loved you—I always imagined that you'd come fight for me, take me away from Carlos." She shrugged her shoulders. "You never did and I don't blame you for that, very few guys would do that for a girl who broke their heart." She looked at Ryan, her eyes were sad. " I wish you would have though."

"I'm sorry."

"No—you have no reason to be sorry. You were always so good to me Ryan—in France you were the ideal I held other men up to, even when you had left me. I imagine you will always be the ideal I hold other men up to; one day I'll fall in love again and I promise you that you'll be proud of the man I choose. He'll be good to me, he'll treat me well."

"I'd be happy for you."

"That's what I realized this past week—how good and sweet you are and how happy you'd be for me when I found happiness. Not all guys are like you—all this week I've been in bed, alone, and I realized how bad I'd hurt you. I was alone and in this sad place at first and I had no one and I had no one to blame but myself."

"You should have called me. I would have come over to you." She shook her head. "Why not?"

"I think I needed this—I needed to feel such pain and anguish and sorrow. By getting so low and sinking to such depths I was able to see misery; I allowed myself to feel what death and loneliness really felt like—I could feel death on my skin and I felt temptation Ryan—such temptation to give up, to surrender to this joke we call life. I wanted the fog to engulf me at first but as the hours past I found myself appreciating life, I found myself longing for hope and love and friendship—for the things that seem petty and small but make up so much of our existence. I thought about you and all the pain I caused you; funny enough, it actually made me happy to think about that because it made me want to stay around, to make it up to you, to see you smile again. Sometimes I worry that I cut the love out of your soul."

"No—don't say that. We'll both love again."

"You and Sadie?"

"No—that's finished. I'm going to break it off tomorrow. I don't think I'll ever love her and I can't keep her waiting. She deserves better, she deserves a happiness I can't give her."

"Yes—I think it's better that we both take a break from relationships."

"We can have a quiet summer of going to the pool every day and reading."

"That sounds nice—that will be just what you need. Some peace and quiet." Suddenly Taylor grew very excited. "I haven't told you, have I? I'm going to go to Switzerland for the summer with Fleur—now don't think anything bad because its not. She has a friend she went to boarding school with and her father owns a spa up in the mountains. We're going to go, Fleur and I, and it will be just the thing. We're going to take the waters and ride the horses and she say she's going to bring her paints. I might just write a book—god knows I have enough experiences to write something good—it will be a sequel to Henri's book, _The Harlot's Tale_." She laughed at herself. "Yes, I like how that sounds, it will be very popular and it will be dedicated to you."

"And you'll come back very famous and not remember any of your friends from Newport."

"No—oh no not at all." She grinned in the happiness of her imagination. "You and Summer and Seth—you're the most amazing people I'll ever know."


	28. Chapter 28

Ryan woke up early and looked up at his sealing. For a moment or two he felt tempted to stay in bed, to do nothing. At that moment he wanted Sadie over so he could hold her, so he could be inside of her. He wanted to feel her soft, warm flesh pressed against him, on him. He wanted to hear her scream and moan and realized in sadness that he would be soon losing her soft flesh, her screaming pleasure. Her love and affection would be soon a relic of the past, gone with the wind, just as Theresa and Marissa and Taylor and Lindsay were gone with the wind, swept away by time and desire and death.

His alarm clock went off and Ryan hit in soundly. He turned to his side and could hear the dull silence of the day. Sunlight was breaking through his window and as he watched the sunbeams cutting through the glass, streaming into his bedroom, Ryan wished to be away from here, to be someone else. He thought of Taylor, she would be soon bound for Switzerland; school would be over in a few weeks and Ryan thought, with jealousy, of her being somewhere else, of her ability to escape. No doubt she needed the escape; her soul had soared when she had been describing her escape. She bogged down his mind for a moment. Ryan's thoughts lingered on her, on her body and her warm sex. He felt, as he thought of her, a delicious submission to his lust, his desire. It would be simple for him to follow her to Switzerland, to take her in those quite valleys and hills.

As he rose and began to shower, he realized he could not, would not do so. He needed space from women, from relationships. His heart had been bruised badly by Taylor, and as he thought of her and the pain she had inflicted on him, he realized that he would be soon inflicted a terrible bruise on Sadie. She loved him; she had made that so clear and it made him incredibly sad to think that soon all her hope and desires and plans for the future would be extinguished. Like a candle a spark would flicker out in her soul and Ryan would be cause. He had pained over woman before; but now, he felt, as he was getting older, causing heartbreak was hurting him more and more. It would be very easy to take advantage of her love, Ryan thought to himself, but it would be cruel. It would be cruel to her because she would be deceived, oh how would she be deceived! He too could not bear to sell himself short; Ryan, who had fought for so much, and had suffered through so much in life, truly deserved love and fulfillment. From Sadie he would never receive it.

Ryan picked up his cell phone and called her. She answered instantly and as he spoke to her, asking her to come over, he tried to sound cheerful, upbeat. The conversation finished, he put down the phone and began to dress. He threw on jeans and a t-shirt and took on his couch. In the stillness of the day, Ryan let his mind wander to the past. He remembered when she had come over and seen him after his final break up with Taylor. What had she told him then? Had she not warned him that she was not to be toyed with, that she was not supposed to be a rebound girlfriend? He had let her down badly but there was nothing to be done. Ryan and Sadie had gambled on each other and the gamble had turned out badly. Pity too that Sadie had staked much more than Ryan. It would cut him to lose Sadie; Sadie would be crushed to lose Ryan.

Finally the time arrived and there was a knock at his door. It was Sadie; fresh and pretty in the blissful spring morning.

"Hey baby." She kissed quickly and moved into the living room. "I've been thinking about you."

"I've been thinking about you too." His voice felt soft and sad and in his stomach a sharp pain was starting to form and taking stabs at him. She turned and smiled; her t-shirt was just a little too short for her and it exposed her mid drift. Looking at her, in her youthful beauty, Ryan felt a moment's madness to take her, to have one last celebration of lust for her body. It would be crueler if he did that; she would no doubt hate him and for Ryan, that seemed easier and more kind then having her still love him. "We should talk."

"Okay." She looked at him strangely; she sat down and played with a bit of her hair. "Did you want to have dinner at your mom's this weekend?" He did not answer her and sat down next to her. He took her hand and tried to smile. "What's with you today, you feeling okay?"

"I'm fine." He looked into her eyes and squeezed her hands tightly. "You're really sweet."

"Thanks—you are too." She leaned in to kiss him but he backed away. Ryan saw a flicker of astonishment and pain cross her face. "What's going on with you Ryan?" It was finally beginning to dawn on her, Ryan saw, that something was about to go very wrong.

"I've been thinking about us."

"Okay." Her hand began to pull away.

"I think it might be better to end things." Her hand was fully away now; she looked at him for a moment in absolute sadness but then a great anger rose up in her eyes.

"So you can go back to Taylor." It was like a great revelation hit her in the face. "You asshole."

"It has nothing to do with Taylor—we're finished."

"Then what is it? You're tired of me."

"No." He shook his head. It wasn't exactly that. "I just don't really think it's really working out." She laughed at that. "What?"

"Two weeks ago you were fine with things—you sounded happy enough about getting a place near Stanford."

"I know."

"Then what? All of a sudden you decided that things aren't working?" She softened. "Are you scared baby? I know things are moving fast and schools almost over. We can slow it down if you want. We don't have to move in together right away."

"I can't." He shook his head. He did not know how to say the words to her; nothing seemed proper, nothing seemed adequate enough. Sadie deserved more, deserved the truth but he did not know how to put it in words. "I don't know how to say it Sadie but I just can't, not anymore."

"You aren't even willing to fight for it?" He looked up into her dark eyes, growing heavy with tears. He said nothing and then she asked the question he was dreading to hear. "Do you love me?" Ryan looked at her for a long time and then shook his head; no, he did not.

"I'm sorry." She wiped away a tear and rose from her seat.

"I'm the one that's sorry Ryan." She picked up her purse and began to walk towards the door. "I never want to see you again."

"Sadie." He rose and was about to tell her to stay when the earth shook violently.


	29. Chapter 29

"Are you okay?" As soon as the earthquake hit they had gone straight under the archway that lead into the kitchen. Standing there, his body protecting Sadie, Ryan watched as his apartment was shaken and tumbled. Bookcases crashed and kitchenware was tossed around without mercy. Over the rumblings of the earth Ryan could hear the world outside, thrown into its own chaos and panic. Car alarms sang loudly into the fragrant air.

As suddenly as the destruction came it stopped. It stopped as the ceiling in Ryan's living room began to split and warp and for one moment he feared that the ceiling was going to cave in and block their access to the door. It did not. As the rumbling stopped Ryan struggled to hear his own thoughts, Sadie's frightened breaths.

"Are you okay?" He asked again. She wordlessly nodded her head and looked up at him. For a small instant her eyes were lit in affection but then, surely as gravity returns everything to earth, her memories pulled that affection back in again.

"I'm fine." She huffed and pulled away from him. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." He watched her as she began to gingerly walk into the living room. "We should get out of here."

"And go where?"

"Outside—if there aren't any downed power lines it's probably safer outside then in here." The apartment complex was nearly thirty years old and he wasn't sure an aftershock wouldn't finish off the ceiling.

"Okay." She began to head towards the door but then stopped and turned around and picked up Ryan's cell phone. "Catch." He caught it and then cautiously opened the door. Other people were heading out of their apartments; they walked as if they were in a daze.

As they began to walk, wordlessly, with the others, Ryan's cell rang. It was Sandy.

"We're okay—how are you guys? Good—yeah, I'm with Sadie. Everyone seems to be okay." He had to go because Seth was trying to get through. "Hey Seth. We'." The phone lost connection and as they walked down the stairs and out into the street, Ryan tried to call his best friend back. He was unable to reach him at Brown.

"They okay?"

"Yeah—Sophie's just scared." Sadie's phone rang this time and as she pulled it out of her purse, Ryan took in the scene before him. No power lines here had been knocked down but some seemed a little worse for the wear. He was not sure he long they would be staying here but as he stood, as Sadie assured her mother she was fine, Ryan could not think of any other place to go. It was probably not a good idea to drive towards the Cohens. Who knew which roads were safe? In the distance Ryan could hear the sirens from fire trucks and cop cars.

"Bye mom—love you too."

"Did she feel them too?"

"Yeah—they weren't too bad though." Almost as on cue, Ryan's father called from LA.

"Hey—is everything all right down there? Yeah; Sadie and I are all right, and so are Sandy and Kirsten." Ryan turned around and looked up at his apartment. "The apartment took a beating though. All right; I'll call you when I know more." Ryan hung up and tried to smile at Sadie. What could he say to her? She looked so wounded and crushed as she wordlessly looked out into the street. "I think everyone might be okay."

"Hopefully so." She kicked a bottle cap away from her and reached into her purse and pulled out her phone; she began dialing a number. Ryan listened absently as she spoke with one of her friends. She seemed to be okay but she was worried her ankle might be twisted. It hurt her to walk.

Ryan yet again opened his phone and dialed Trey. There was no answer so he attempted to call his mom. He received her voice mail too. Inside of him he felt a small flicker of worry grab hold of him. Maybe he shouldn't just stay put. He listened as Sadie called another friend and as he listened to her voice, soft and sad, Ryan thought of the cruel scene they had just played out. He had told her he did not love her and now she was marooned with him; he was a vicious reminder of their failed romance, of his betrayal of her love.

His phone rang for the forth time that morning; it was Taylor.

"Hey are you all right? What's wrong? I know, I was scared too. But are you hurt or anything? No; I'm okay, Sadie's okay too. Yeah—not so well; can I call you later?" Sadie had finished her call and as she had caught a bit of Ryan's conversation, blood had rushed to her face.

"Who was that?"

"Taylor."

"Why was she asking about me?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I heard you Ryan—you told her you were with me and then you said something didn't go so well—did she know you were going to break up with me? Were you talking about me with her—of all people?" She took a step towards him, her eyes threatening.

"We were just talking."

"You two deserve each other—you're both very good at being assholes." She nearly screamed the last word; a young man and woman, with a frightened young child, looked towards them in anxiety.

"Can we not do this now." A fire truck flew by them, it's sirens blaring.

"I can't believe you Ryan—I deserved better than this."

"I know you did—I wish"

"No—I don't want to hear it—I don't want to talk to you ever again." She started to walk away from him.

"Where are you going to go? It's not safe right now." He began following her but she stopped and turned around.

"Don't worry—I'm not going far—I just want to get away from you." Ryan reached out for her arm but she pulled away angrily. "Just go to hell Ryan." Sadie stormed off and walked a good few yards away from him. Watching her, Ryan felt no energy or desire to follow. He had deserved her anger and did not want to disturb her in her sorrow. Ryan watched her sit down on the curb and put her head in her folded arms. In a moment she appeared to be crying.

Ryan continued to watch until he became embarrassed for witnessing her sorrow. He turned away and opened his phone once more. He called his brother; again there was no answer.


	30. Chapter 30

It took a full week, but after searching, the bodies of Trey and Dawn Atwood were found in the ruble. They had been out at a store, buying groceries, when the earthquake hit. The building had been old and the ceiling had collapsed on them; they had died instantly, Ryan had been told. He supposed that was a small comfort.

He stood in a Chino cemetery and cried for his dead family. He cried silently and the tears that did fall had to struggle to get out. He hated to cry but there was nothing else he could do; he was just starting to get to know them but now that did not matter. It was finished and that chapter in his life was over; the sad drama that was Trey and Dawn was finished, had played its course. The moments of happiness had been few and far between for them and Ryan shook his head at the world. Had it ever been easy for him? Had time ever passed gently along? Maybe it had once; surely his days in Berkeley had been sweet and serene. The first three years had been at least; they had rolled along in a simple way. Faces had come and gone and the small dramas that had swept away everyone else had seemed silly and petty to Ryan. How he missed those times.

The minister murmured prayers into the world around them. Ryan watched him for a moment and then directed his gaze towards Lisa and her father. She had been at the shelter at the time. They had made up with one another; at least Trey had loved his wife and had his wife's love when he died. That too was a comfort. Ryan had spoken a few words to Lisa and her father before the service; no doubt they would say more words to each other before the days end. She too would be soon passing from his life; she was returning to Las Vegas with her father; they would not speak to Ryan for the rest of their lives. That part of his present was falling into the past.

Turning his gaze once more, his eyes fell upon Taylor and Summer. It had been sweet of Taylor to come; she hadn't had to. She was supposed to be in Switzerland, her plane had left two days ago.

"I can always catch another plane." Taylor had hugged Ryan and kissed his cheek. Yes, it was very sweet of her to be there. Sadie hadn't come, but that was no surprise. Ryan had called her, after he had found out, but the conversation was short and awkward. She was still hurt and angry with him; in a drunken mood he had burnt her pictures and thrown out all the remembrances she had given him. Taylor caught his eye and she smiled sadly at him. Yes, it was sweet of her to come.

Standing at Ryan's side were Kirsten and Sandy. Sophie had been given to a babysitter for the day. To his left, after them, were Julie, Frank, Kaitlin and little Adam. Frank had cried that morning too; a part of his past, a large part of his past, had died. He lost his son when his son had not loved him. He had lost his son's love a long time ago so he cried. That was life, Ryan thought to himself. Through the years people would disappear; there was only more death and decay and sorrow coming for them, there was no escape.

The service ended and he hugged Sandy and Kirsten in silence. The tears had stopped; he badly wanted a drink, a bottle of something. No doubt Taylor had something somewhere. Seth and Summer came up to him as well and hugged him. Summer whispered something in his ear, he did not remember her words but her voice was soft and sad, not at all like a summer breeze.

He was facing Taylor now.

"Hi." She kissed him and squeezed his hands.

"Thank you for coming."

"Anytime." Frank and Julie were coming towards them. Taylor broke away and walked over to Seth and Summer. Ryan watched as Taylor hugged Summer and said something to Seth with a smile.

"Hey kid." Frank crushed Ryan into him. "I'm so sorry." Frank's eyes were wet with tears; so were Julie's.

"Ryan." It was Julie's turn to hold him. Kaitlin had gone off with Adam. He was still too young to understand death. "I'm so sorry."

"Thanks." It seemed to Ryan that he had only needed a few words to get through the day. "Thank you for coming down."

"You know we love you—your father and I."

"I know—we're all full of love." He had loved Marissa too but that love had not been enough to bind her to life; love seemed to be powerless before death. She nodded her head; Julie understood what Ryan felt. She had gone down the same road as he.

"It takes time Ryan—you were just getting to know them."

"I have that at least."

"Yes—you have that at least." Julie smiled and then kissed Ryan once more on the cheek. "Stay with us for a few weeks—you'll have a good time and Kaitlin will be done with school soon so you'll have her to show you all the good hang outs."

"Yes—I will." She waved goodbye and Frank hugged his son once more; he could sense that Ryan wanted to be alone. He stood silently by their graves but could think of nothing to say. He walked away; down the hill Taylor was waiting for him.

"I wanted to wait for you—the others went on the legion hall." They were having a wake there; there was nowhere really for them to go but Ryan had wanted something, something for his mother and brother. She held his hand in hers. "Today's been awful."

"Yes—very." They stood in silence, holding hands. The sun bathed them in bright, joyful light. It seemed obscene to Ryan. "When do you leave?"

"In two days—Fleur says it's very pretty—I'll be sure to send you pictures." Because of the disaster the remainder of the semester was cancelled; grades were to be "Incompletes" to be made up later. The graduation ceremony would be in the summer, when the city and the campus had cleaned up and recovered.

"Please do—I can't wait to hear about it."

"Don't worry—I'll write you very long letters; you'll be sick of them by the end of the summer." They were walking to her car; she had driven down from Berkeley that very morning. "What are you going to do now?"

"Go to Frank and Julie's for a while."

"That will be nice—I'm so glad to be getting away from Berkeley—it's so sad seeing it the way it is."

"It will be back to normal when you get back."

"If it ever can be normal again; they'll clean it up but it won't be the same. Nothing can go back to the way it was."

"No—I suppose your right. We've all changed."

"Me especially."

"Yes—you've changed a lot." They reached her car and she opened the door for him. She drove a few minutes in silence.

"I can't ever go back to the girl I used to be Ryan—we're always changing but I can't be the person I was, that you fell in love with."

"I know—she was marvelous."

"She was, wasn't she?" He nodded his head and looked out the window. "Do you think we could ever have it again?"

"Maybe—I don't know. A lot has happened."

"Maybe. I like maybe. Maybe is a good word." Ryan looked at her and smiled; it was the first time he had smiled that day. "Being friends is a good start."

"I think so too." They stopped in front of the legion hall. Taylor pulled up front so she could let Ryan out.

"We had a marvelous time though, didn't we?" He looked at her a long time and then smiled very sweetly.

"Yes, we had a very good time."


	31. A Happy Ending

A Happy Ending

Ryan stood with a drink in his hand and watched her drink her champagne. Her eyes blazed in excitement; no doubt the champagne was going to her head. She hardly drank anymore, except when there was a cause to celebrate. She had drunk champagne at Summer and Seth's wedding, at his own graduation.

He watched as Summer came over to Taylor to whisper something in her ear. Taylor had giggled and laughed and she hugged her friend. Summer was the matron of honor; Fleur was a bride's maid. Fleur too was at Taylor's side. She was talking to the man that was marrying Taylor; he was a good man, a man Taylor had been proud to introduce Ryan too.

Ryan finished his beer and turned to the bartender to ask for another. It was strange, being here at Taylor's engagement party. He had loved her so madly once and she had broken his heart. They had tried when she had returned from Switzerland, three years ago, but it had not worked. They had hurt each too much to ever date again but the two had fallen into an easy friendship. She would always be in his life, would always be there for him.

"Hey man." Seth interrupted his thoughts. "So you're bored as I am?"

"Oh yeah." They watched the girls across the room laugh and talk. Mark, Taylor's fiancé, seemed to be enjoying himself. He eyed Taylor affectionately and as Ryan watched him, he felt glad. Taylor had found love, had found security. There were whispers, mostly from ex-girlfriends and mean spirited aunts, that Taylor had agreed to marry him solely for his money. Ryan never believed that; she clearly adored him, though Ryan expected that Taylor did love her writings more.

She had dropped out of school in the winter after the earthquake and had finished her _Harlot's Tale_. It was critically acclaimed but no one had read it. Taylor had not been deterred though; she kept writing and was making a name for herself. Now her husband to be, who had made a fortune by speculating in hedge funds, would be able to lavish her with a happy lifestyle. Taylor did not need to worry about anything except writing books and throwing fabulous dinner parties. She was happy and Ryan was happy for her, she deserved it.

"So how much trouble would we get into if we bailed right now?"

"A lot."

"Did you talk to Mark at all?"

"A little—we don't really have anything in common."

"Same here—man said he stopped reading comics at age eleven. Can you believe it? I don't know what Taylor sees in him." Ryan shrugged his shoulders. They had met at an art show; they had tickets to the opera and went twice a month to the symphony. True Taylor had no interest in finance but she could talk to Mark for hours about art and philosophy. Ryan and she had never had that.

"He really loves her though—I could tell that."

"How about you Ryan Atwood?"

"What about me?" He knew where Seth was going with this.

"How is your love life? I see the beautiful Nina Flyte is not with us."

"We had a fight last night." They fought a lot with each other; they were very on and off again.

"What you two fight about so much is beyond me. It reminds me of you and Marissa."

"I don't know what we fight about either half the time but we do." He did love her very much and knew she did too. "She wants to get married."

"It has been two years—we're not getting any younger."

"I know—and I do want to marry her—I just don't know if I'm ready for all that responsibility. Kids and all. How's Marissa by the way?"

"Better thank you." Seth was insanely proud of his two year old daughter Marissa. "She slept the entire night so I guess she's pretty much fine."

"Give her a kiss for me." Their conversation was interrupted by an approaching Taylor.

"You aren't planning on cheating on Summer—are you Seth?"

"Only with you Taylor." She laughed at that.

"You're sweet but I think we both got over that ages ago." Taylor turned her hazel eyes, dancing with happiness, to Ryan. "Where's Nina?"

"She isn't coming after all." He had lied when he had first arrived about Nina running late.

"I see." Taylor frowned; she liked Nina and hoped that it worked out for Ryan. "Tell me the truth; are you guys having fun?"

"A blast." Seth lied but Taylor seemed to see right through it.

"I think Summer was asking for you Seth."

"I better go and see what she wants then." Taylor and Ryan watched as he walked off in search of his wife.

"He's bored isn't he?"

"Only a little."

"You are too—I'm sorry if some of Mark's friends are dull." Taylor slipped her arm through his and they began to walk a little.

"They're nice though."

"Yes—they're very sweet—some of them are. Some of them are awful; I'm sure you've heard the rumors. That I only said yes because of his money."

"It is a lot of money." Taylor laughed and hit him playfully.

"Yes—I did have a Julie Cooper moment at first but I'd never do that. My mom was very pleased you know." Ryan had heard too that Veronica Townsend was very pleased that her daughter was not marrying Ryan, "that damned kid from Chino," as she put it.

"As long as he makes you happy."

"He does—he makes me very happy."

"So no regrets?"

"Only a few—no one goes through life with zero regrets." She withdrew her arm from his and adjusted a strap on her dress. "You know how badly I feel about your senior year."

"It's the past." He took her hand for a moment and the two of them looked over to Seth and Summer; they were talking to Fleur and Mark and some others. Seth was telling a story about something, Ryan could not tell. Everyone was laughing and enjoying Seth's empathetic gestures. Summer eyed him with love. "Everything worked out well though."

"Yes—a lot of happy endings." She squeezed Ryan's hand and removed it from his. "How about you? Are you going to have a happy ending with Nina?"

"I think so—I hope so."

"You love her a lot?"

"Yes—I want to marry her."

"Then you'll get your happy ending—you deserve it" Taylor smiled at him; she seemed generally happy for him but at the same time there was a small sadness. It lasted for a only a second, but for that second Ryan could see that Taylor wished that it had worked out for them, that she hadn't thrown away Ryan's love.

"You really think so?"

"I do—I see how she looks at you—she's crazy about you." Taylor was about to say something else but then she stopped. Her eyes caught sight of someone entering the ballroom; she pointed towards the door with a motion of her head. "Someone decided to come by."

Ryan turned around and smiled. It was Nina. Nina saw them and smiled and waved. Her jet black hair was curled in ringlets at the end and her cream colored cocktail dress had a simple green sash around the waist which matched the darkness of her green eyes.

"Go tell her you love her." Taylor smiled and winked at Ryan. As he walked towards his Nina he thought he had never seen such a beautiful woman in his life. They had met at a coffee shop two years ago; she was now assistant manager of that shop. He felt he could talk to her about everything. As he walked towards her Ryan realized that their fight didn't matter. All their fighting would not take away the fact that he had found the love of his life. Though they would hurt each other time and time again, Ryan would love her, just as she loved him. Life would throw them sorrow and heartbreak, ups and downs. Their lives would never be perfect, never be easy and at peace. None of their lives would be; not Seth and Taylor nor Summer and Mark would ever be perfectly happy.

Tonight, Taylor's wedding night, these moments would not be the end of the drama. Though the curtain would fall, or the story would come to an end at these parts in Taylor's operas and novels, it was not the end. There was a bigger story after the happy ending; the play would continue and Ryan was okay with that. Death, sorrow and decay were coming towards them but so too were love and hope and happiness and pleasure. Ryan had a love now that he was in complete confidence in. Taking Nina by the hand he pulled her in and kissed her.

"Hi." She smiled back at him.


End file.
